CONFIDENTIAL TO JEANNE: Happy birthday, my precious firstborn.
Teen Survivor of Drug Abuse Says Drugs Are Not Cool at All
DEAR ABBY: I am an 18-year-old female college student, and it saddens me to see what a big problem drugs and alcohol have become to the youth of today.
Seven years ago when I was 11, I, too, wanted to get high once, "just to see what it was like." Well, four years and one arrest, a long-term psychiatric hospitalization and $30,000 later, I finally admitted that I had a serious problem -- not to mention the pain and grief I caused my family.
I never intended to become an addict. Nobody does. I just wanted to try it because all the "cool" people did drugs, and I wanted to be "cool," too.
It has been three years since I've touched any drug, but it's still a daily struggle. I was very lucky to have received help. By the time I turned 15, I weighed 85 pounds and had more cocaine, methamphetamine, marijuana and alcohol in my blood than any human body should have been able to tolerate. Because of drugs, I have also had to bury three friends I used to "party" with.
Today, I'm doing wonderful things with my life and am proud of my accomplishments. Abby, if just one person who reads this will stop and think about what experimenting with drugs did to me, then everything I've been through will not have been in vain. -- OLDER, WISER AND CLEAN
DEAR OLDER, WISER AND CLEAN: I hope that other teens will take your painful and hard-earned lesson to heart. Nothing teaches as effectively as the voice of experience.
DEAR ABBY: Last summer I had a life-changing experience. I was watching a television program that featured a segment on obsessive-compulsive disorder. I didn't pay much attention until I heard a list of symptoms that characterize OCD.
I stopped dead in my tracks as I heard every detail of my own bizarre behavior (behavior I had hidden for years) described. After doing some research at my local library, I discovered that I, like millions of others, was not insane but suffering from a very common disorder. OCD is characterized by recurrent, unwanted and unpleasant thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive, ritualistic behaviors the person feels driven to perform (compulsions). Typical obsessions are dirt, germs and contamination; inordinate concern with order, arrangement or symmetry; inability to discard useless or worn-out items, etc. Typical compulsions include excessive washing (particularly hand washing or bathing); and repetitive actions such as counting, arranging and ordering or hoarding.
After seeing a psychiatrist, I was prescribed medication and started behavioral therapy. I now feel normal for the first time in my life. Please, Abby, publish the symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder, not only to increase awareness for those who are suffering and don't know why, but also for people who are close to someone who is suffering. People with OCD hide their behavior well. This disorder is still very much in the closet. -- BETTER IN BOSTON
DEAR BETTER: A recent Oscar-winning movie, "As Good As It Gets," was brought to my attention by The Obsessive-Compulsive Foundation, a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the welfare of people with obsessive-compulsive disorder. The movie tells the story of a successful writer (played by Jack Nicholson) who is struggling with OCD. With as much publicity as the film is receiving, obsessive-compulsive disorder may gain new understanding from the general public.
The Obsessive-Compulsive Foundation can be reached by writing to P.O. Box 70, Milford, Conn. 06460-0070; e-mail: ocfinfo@juno.com.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Bride's Wedding Fantasy Runs Smack Into Mom's Lack of Cash
DEAR ABBY: My oldest daughter (I'll call her "Alexis") is being married this year. She is planning a very large, expensive, fairy-tale wedding. Her father and I recently divorced after 29 years of marriage.
I have told Alexis and my ex-husband that I don't have a lot of money for this occasion because the divorce wiped out most of my savings. My daughter claims she doesn't want to hear it. I have offered to pay for her wedding gown. My ex insists that he expects me to pay for half the wedding, even if I have to take out a loan from him to do it.
I have tried to be upfront, but no one is listening. I'm 50 years old and need to save toward my retirement. I can't possibly afford to risk my entire future. Also, we have two more daughters -- so it's likely there will be more weddings in the future.
Please keep in mind that it won't be possible for me to volunteer to pay for only "my" invited guests. Almost everyone on the bride's side will be mutual friends and family both of my ex and myself.
Give me some desperately needed advice that won't hurt my daughter's feelings. I love Alexis very much and don't want to be responsible for spoiling a very special time in her life.
What are my responsibilities in this matter? -- NEEDS HELP IN NEW YORK
DEAR NEEDS HELP: It is extremely unwise to jeopardize your future for the sake of one day. I have always advised parents not to go into debt for a wedding. A wedding should be a gift from the parents, not an obligation.
Don't allow Alexis' unreasonable demands and those of your ex to intimidate you. Pay for what you can reasonably afford, and let your daughter adjust expenses accordingly.
DEAR ABBY: The letter signed "Examining Life in Ohio," from the woman who was married to a decent man but didn't consider him her "soul mate," prompts this letter.
I met my soul mate, and on our first date we both knew it. I figured it was the greatest love in the history of the world. I would have died for this man.
We were the perfect match! We had our ups and downs, and his family threw barbs at me every chance they got, but I withstood it because I knew I had his love.
So what happened? After 38 years, I finally admitted what I had been denying for decades (and he still denies): My husband is a more or less functioning alcoholic. He absolutely refuses help, and things are getting worse. The clues have been there for a long time.
Now I am envious of older couples enjoying their later years, while I live with a man who is dishonest and lies constantly. I cannot trust him. I dread holidays with our children and grandchildren. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of him. Not only do I no longer love him -- I don't even LIKE him.
A decent man in one's "golden years" must be wonderful. -- MARRIED PRINCE CHARMING
DEAR M.P.C.: You have my sympathy. Please do not allow yourself to remain submerged in your husband's alcohol problem.
If you haven't already done so, consider attending meetings of Al-Anon. The members are nonjudgmental and supportive. They offer first-hand experience to help you put your life back in order -- whether or not your husband chooses to admit his problem and sober up.
Al-Anon is worldwide, and you can locate a chapter by checking your telephone book.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
NEW KID IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD LEARNS THAT THREE'S A CROWD
DEAR ABBY: Because of a job transfer, we moved to a new home in another state a few months ago. Our son is a fourth-grader who has never had a problem making friends. However, since moving to our new neighborhood, he has encountered the "one-friend-at-a-time" rule with two different neighborhood boys.
He comes home from school, hops on his bike, goes down the street and knocks on "Johnny's" door, only to be told that Johnny is playing with "Billy" now, and he's allowed to have only one friend over at a time -- so my son ends up alone.
Abby, the parents of these two boys call themselves "good Christians." They have pictures of Jesus all over their homes and go to church every Sunday. (Maybe they read a different Bible than we do -- ours says, "Love thy neighbor.")
Needless to say, our son's feelings are hurt and he misses his old buddies terribly. He is well-mannered and has been taught to share.
My husband and I are at a loss as to how to deal with these parents who think nothing of hurting a child's feelings. Please help. -- MOTHER OF NEW KID ON THE BLOCK
DEAR MOTHER: Many parents schedule "play dates" for their children, and it's possible that when your son drops in, this is the situation he's encountering. It's also possible that the parents feel they can accommodate only one child at a time, or are uncomfortable having an unfamiliar child in their home.
Encourage your son to reach out to other boys in the neighborhood or at school. They don't have to be the most popular or the most athletic.
An alternative to that would be to make sure he is involved with extracurricular activities such as sports, special interests or scouting -- common interests can also be the basis for lasting friendships.
DEAR ABBY: "Indebted to Them, Lakewood, Calif." was contrite about how she had treated her mother and stepfather. She asked if she should say something to apologize, and to thank them for putting up with her behavior.
Some time ago, you suggested that children write a letter to their parents saying how much they loved them and thanking them for all they had done. I not only took your advice -- I went further by writing letters to my in-laws from my first marriage, and also my present in-laws.
After my parents died, we found they had saved my letter. My father-in-law has shown the one I sent him to everyone in his rather large family. He is very proud of it.
In the letters, I thanked each of them for their gifts, tangible and intangible, and asked them to forgive my shortcomings. In the case of my in-laws, I thanked them for their daughter -- "a gift I will always treasure."
Abby, please suggest that "Indebted" put her feelings in writing so folks will have something to cherish for the rest of their lives. -- TOM COLLIMORE, SAN MARCOS, CALIF.
DEAR TOM: Thank you for the reminder. For years I have urged readers who are fortunate enough to have their parents (or even one parent) to whom they can give such a priceless gift, to write a letter expressing their love and gratitude for the countless things a parent must do to raise a child. Such a letter is sure to become a treasured keepsake.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)