To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Still Living With Her Ex Is Attracted to His Friend
DEAR ABBY: I am in love with my ex's co-worker (I'll call him Jim). This is dangerous as I live with my ex in the same house, although not in the same quarters. We have both had some trouble distancing ourselves from each other since we decided to break up nearly a year ago.
Jim and I have talked on the phone and communicated by e-mail on a regular basis, and I feel I connect well with him. When we have met in person, my ex has always been there -- and I know that's why Jim isn't taking things further. My ex and Jim have been pals as well as colleagues for many years, and I think Jim fears my ex's annoyance. (Whether he'd be unhappy or not is questionable.)
I have put myself slightly out on a limb in terms of expressing my feelings to Jim, but each time our conversation becomes flirtatious, he cuts it short.
This is very frustrating. I have become so fascinated by him that if we don't go beyond flirting soon, I can see myself making as much of a fool of myself at 25 as I did when I was 15, by doing something stupid or too forward and ruining my chances of a relationship with him. Please help. -- JENNIFER IN MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA
DEAR JENNIFER: As long as you're living under the same roof as your ex, your romance with his co-worker has gone as far as it's going to go. I salute his good sense. In the interests of all concerned, you must make a clean break with your ex before proceeding seriously with anyone else. One of you should move.
DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from the mother whose son had died. She wrote that the mourners who attended the funeral ignored the grief and loss felt by her husband, her son's stepfather. It is sad when stepfamily members are tossed aside, especially in times of grief.
My ex-husband raised my two daughters (his stepdaughters) from the ages of 1 and 3 to the ages of 17 and 18. We were divorced in 1987, but the girls kept a father/daughter relationship with their stepfather until his death in 1996. They both had married and had children, and their stepfather was considered a father-in-law and grandfather by all concerned.
When he died, my daughters were not informed of his death, were excluded from his funeral, and his obituary made no mention of them -- although it did mention his current wife's son and grandson (the son was an adult and on his own when they married, and my ex had no part in raising her son).
My daughters had always professed that their biological father was their father, but their stepfather was "Daddy." I cannot understand how someone can be so heartless as to have done this to anyone, let alone my daughters. They were not given the opportunity to say goodbye to their daddy. People should consider the impact of their actions on the innocent parties involved in a family crisis. -- MILLIE IN SPANAWAY, WASH.
DEAR MILLIE: Since I don't know the grieving widow, I don't know whether the omission was deliberate -- an indication of how threatened she was by her husband's closeness to his stepdaughters -- or the fact that she was so devastated by her own grief that she couldn't think beyond it to the pain that was felt by others. Please give her the benefit of the doubt.
AUDIOLOGIST'S TRUST IS SWEET MUSIC TO EARS OF A STRANGER
DEAR ABBY: We have read your column for years, with its examples of acts of kindness and references to Iowa hospitality. This letter is about that hospitality.
During the week of Aug. 16-22, I was visiting my terminally ill aunt in Waterloo, Iowa. I am severely hearing-impaired. One of my hearing aids shorted out and left me virtually unable to use the telephone. I contacted several hearing aid offices before finding help. The person who came to my aid was an audiologist named Ron Potter.
When I contacted Ron and explained my situation to him, he came to my motel and inspected my hearing aid, but was unable to make the required repairs. He took me to his shop and fitted me with a loaner hearing aid. When I asked about my bill, he said, "No charge. Just mail the aid back when you get home."
I was in a state of shock. I couldn't believe that someone was trusting me, a complete stranger, with an item worth several hundred dollars. I mean, no deposit, no ID check, nothing! I persuaded him to make a copy of my driver's license and let me buy him lunch.
Yes, Abby, there are some good people left in this world. What really made me feel even better is the fact that I am black and Ron is white. Yes, we CAN get along! -- DIAMOND B. BEARD JR., SACRAMENTO, CALIF.
DEAR DIAMOND: Although it may be out of season, I'm sure Ron Potter will be thrilled to see your "valentine" in the newspaper. And, may I add -- your letter made my day!
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to the recent letter by "Linda of Howell, Mich.," regarding her son who decided to become a vegetarian. In addition to your suggestion that she visit her pediatrician, I thought you might like to know of the services that can be provided by a registered dietitian.
The initials R.D. indicate that a person has completed at least a four-year degree in dietetics or nutrition, a 900-hour internship in the areas of clinical and community nutrition and management, and has passed a national credentialing exam. Registered dietitians are food and nutritional professionals who provide counseling in maternal and sports nutrition as well as for vegetarians and individuals with heart disease, diabetes, eating disorders, and a host of additional medical diagnoses that are affected by a person's eating habits.
The American Dietetic Association is the world's largest group of food and nutrition professionals serving the public. The ADA is currently active in trying to get states, insurance companies and the federal government to allow for reimbursable "medical nutritional therapy," so that the public may benefit from health-promoting counseling to prevent and cure disease.
Thank you for the opportunity to inform you of the work of these professionals. -- MARY M. BILZ, M.S., R.D., RUTLAND, VT.
DEAR MARY: I have mentioned the American Dietetic Association in my column in the past. Although it didn't occur to me that a registered dietitian might also be able to help the mother of the little boy who refused to eat meat because of the cartoon he saw on television, it makes sense that an R.D. could offer valuable input to mothers of picky eaters. Thank you for the timely reminder.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Thinks Her 'Wonderful Guy' Is More Friend Than Lover
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful guy for 18 months. I love him with all my heart and know his love for me is true.
My problem is, I think I would rather be his friend than his girlfriend. He is everything a woman could ever dream of, but I don't view this as a permanent relationship, and I don't want to stand in the way of his finding someone to share his life with.
Should I continue dating him and see if my feelings change, or throw away the best thing that has ever happened to me by telling him goodbye? Sign me ... "K" FROM ARKANSAS
DEAR "K": You say you love this wonderful man with all your heart, but you would rather be his friend than his girlfriend. You are rationalizing. If you loved him, you would want to be his girlfriend. Face it: If the "chemistry" isn't there by now, it never will be. Do yourself (and him) a favor and be honest with him. Tell him he's the most wonderful man you've ever known, but the magic is missing, and while you hate hurting him, you want him to be free to search for mutual love. He'll survive, and with any luck you will both find true love.
DEAR ABBY: May I respond to "Saddened Mother," who wants to give her son a portion of his inheritance now because he and his family need it? I think she's right. Perhaps my letter will help convince her husband.
My father's attitude about inheritance was always, "I'm going to spend my children's inheritance." That was fine with my brother and me because we love our parents and wanted to see them happy and prosperous. They earned their money and we never asked for anything.
However, a year ago, my father died unexpectedly. My mother decided to give my brother and me equal amounts of money she said she "would never miss." Because of her generosity, I was able to quit my job and stay at home with my two young children. My brother used his windfall to enlarge his home to accommodate his growing family. My mother's life is richer for the pleasure she receives from watching us live better lives. She's glad she did it, and we are forever grateful, although we did not expect it.
Sometimes "the principle of the thing" can get in the way of what's really important in life. Losing my father made us realize that money isn't all-important; we, her children, are the most important part of Mom's life.
I don't know if I can ever thank my mother enough for a gift that has helped me at a time I would never be able to recapture. I am blessed that she understood how much more her help would mean to us as young, struggling families than it would later in life. I hope "Saddened Mother's" husband comes to the same understanding. -- THANKFUL DAUGHTER, MOUNDS VIEW, MINN.
DEAR THANKFUL DAUGHTER: The decision of how to dispose of one's personal wealth is personal, and because family dynamics can differ, there is no "one size fits all" answer. However, your personal account of the positive impact of providing an "early inheritance" may be helpful to the family in turmoil. Thank you for sharing it.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)