For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HAVE THE LAW ON THEIR SIDE
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from a woman who signed herself "Living a Nightmare," who had been a victim of domestic violence dating back to her honeymoon. You provided her with some solid advice; however, some information was missing from your reply that would benefit all women involved in violent relationships.
Victims of domestic violence need to be made aware that their abusive spouses are breaking the law. Domestic violence is a crime, and it should be reported to the proper authorities. "Living a Nightmare's" husband has already broken her nose, her wrist, her shoulder, and caused a miscarriage by kicking her when she was four months pregnant. In her case, calling the police is long overdue.
In addition to ordering the booklet you recommended, women should know that help is a phone call away. Confidential assistance is available 24 hours a day through domestic violence hotlines throughout the country. I suggest getting started by calling 1-800-799-SAFE, a nationwide toll-free hotline that can provide immediate help and connect women with the resources nearest them.
Those in violent relationships also need to understand that an entire generation of children are at risk, because domestic violence is a learned behavior that's passed along to the next generation. Research shows that in homes where a father is physically abusing his spouse, the children are more likely to grow up to participate in violent relationships themselves. This should be of great interest to "Living a Nightmare," as she already recognizes that the home lives of her children are "terrible." If she understands that her children are likely to repeat the pattern themselves, I'm sure she'll want to call for help at once.
Abby, please print this to make "Living a Nightmare," and everyone in a similar situation, aware of these facts. Last year I was fortunate enough to become involved in a public awareness campaign to generate awareness of, and put an end to, domestic violence. If it helps just one woman, we will have accomplished a great deal. -- SCOTT A. LYNCH, HALES CORNERS, WIS.
DEAR SCOTT: I hope it does, because I have been told that the problem has reached epidemic proportions in this country. Domestic violence cuts across all social, economic, educational, religious, ethnic and cultural lines, and there are no stereotypical perpetrators or victims. I have received letters concerning women who physically abuse their boyfriends and husbands, and domestic violence also occurs in same-sex unions.
When people hear about a physically abusive relationship, the first question they usually ask is, "Why doesn't she leave?" Only when people start asking, "Why is he using violence?" will we be able to end the problem.
DEAR ABBY: Our friends moved in down the street from us and have proceeded to copy every original design idea we have used in our yard and house. Not only have they copied our surroundings, they have joined every club and organization we belong to, and we bump into them everywhere we go.
If we say we did something or went somewhere, the next thing we hear is, "We should do that." And they do. My husband thinks we should move, but I love our house and don't want to be uprooted. I don't want to lose their friendship, but I would like to keep our house distinctive. Any ideas? -- CONFUSED NEIGHBOR
DEAR NEIGHBOR: People imitate those whom they admire. They also do it if they are insecure about their own taste and judgment. Be candid and tell them that although you feel flattered, being copied detail for detail makes you very uncomfortable. Then offer to help them make unique selections of their own.
Walker's Anti Litter Crusade Proceeds One Step at a Time
DEAR ABBY: Where I work, I see a lot of people from other states and countries, and I hear the following comment a lot: "For such a beautiful place, I'm surprised to see so much trash along the side of the roads."
Abby, I live in a nice little town in North Carolina and walk two miles in my neighborhood every day. After hearing that comment, I began carrying a trash bag with me to pick up the refuse people throw onto the side of the road. To my surprise, I find I'm picking up two large bags of trash a week -- and I live in a nice neighborhood. What kind of people do this?
My neighbor asked me why I pick up the trash as I walk. I told him that trash made our neighborhood ugly, and if someone didn't do it we'd be knee-high in trash. He was very surprised. Maybe people don't realize what they're doing when they toss their soda cans, candy wrappers, cigarettes and beer bottles out of their cars. I was taught as a child that this was the wrong thing to do. It looks like a lot of people weren't.
Please, parents and teachers: Teach your children that this is wrong, and maybe it will be the start of a cleaner America. I would also like to encourage other walkers to carry a bag and pick up trash as they walk. Also, bending is great for reducing the waistline. -- VICKY HURLEY, HICKORY, N.C.
DEAR VICKY: I'm pleased to promote your anti-litter crusade. Every state has littering laws. People should keep trash bags in their cars in which to dispose of trash, and teach their children that littering is wrong. Unfortunately, many individuals think they are the exception to the rule. There should be no exceptions!
DEAR ABBY: Recently I parked in the handicapped space at a restaurant and went in for lunch. Although I look healthy, I am a senior and have a much-needed handicapped placard on my car.
While I was enjoying my lunch, a customer who was leaving stopped at my table to tell me that the hostess and food servers were commenting that I didn't need the placard or special parking space.
As I paid my check, I asked the hostess, "Do you have arthritis?" "No," she replied. I asked if she had heart trouble. Again I received a negative reply. "Have you had two major abdominal surgeries," I continued, "and four operations?" She replied that she hadn't. Then I said, "Well, I have. And I do not appreciate you and the servers deciding by looking at me that I'm fraudulently parking in a handicapped space. Please don't judge that about which you have no knowledge."
Abby, there are times when I can barely walk or breathe, and when I'm in extreme pain. However, I have my pride, and I try my best not to appear anything other than healthy, but I do need some concessions because of my poor health.
In her last year, my 76-year-old mother dressed immaculately and wore makeup to look healthy, even though she was dying of cancer.
How dare people judge those they don't know, and decide they don't need the handicapped parking space? Some disabilities are not obvious, so people should give us the benefit of the doubt. Please print my letter so that the public will get the drift and be more compassionate. -- WALKING TALL IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR WALKING TALL: I have received many letters from people who are outraged at the obviously able-bodied people who park in parking spaces reserved for the handicapped.
Once again, I caution readers, "Don't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his moccasins."
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Single Mom With Hands Full Ponders Giving Up Custody
DEAR ABBY: I'm going through the most confusing period of my life. I am 18 and working both a full-time and a part-time job to support my children, a daughter who is 2 and a 1-year-old son. My life is crazy at this point.
Abby, I'm thinking about giving custody of my son to a couple at church. Why? Because raising two children is too difficult at my age. I'm a single mother and cannot support two children financially.
I'm unable to give my son the love and care he needs, and I want him to be happy. I don't want to give him up, but I want the best for him and I know I can't provide it.
Abby, please help me. What should I do? -- CONFUSED, CRAZY MOTHER
DEAR MOTHER: Follow your heart and give your son to parents who can provide what you cannot. It would be a generous act of love.
I would urge you, however, to give the custodial parents a letter to your son that they can give to him when he begins to question the love of a mother who would "give him away."
DEAR ABBY: My 21-year-old son, "Sam," dropped out of college and wanted to paint houses for a living. He needed a car, so I offered to find him painting projects around the house to earn $500 -- partial payment for the car. I paid him more than the going rate and gave him credit for more hours than he worked.
When he came to me and wanted the $500, I reminded him the money was for a car, and he could have it when he found one. (He's getting money from his mother to live on.) He picked up a bar stool and hit me with it, bruising me and breaking the tile countertop. On his way out, he broke a table and a bowl. I deducted $300 for the damages and sent him a check, but he hasn't apologized and says he never wants to see me again.
Should I have called the police and charged Sam with assault and battery to help him see that violence is not the way to settle a dispute? -- A GRIEVING FATHER
DEAR GRIEVING FATHER: Your son has a serious problem controlling his temper. He should have learned by now how to channel his anger and frustration without resorting to violence. I am undecided as to whether or not he was fortunate that you didn't notify the police and press charges.
However, you were also wrong for having agreed to pay Sam for painting your house, then to have withheld the money he earned when he asked for it.
DEAR ABBY: Today I read the letter from "The Man Who Loves Her." I, too, was a smoker and can sympathize with both people in that letter. It took me -- and me alone -- to quit. Please, Abby, pass this on to those who are trying to quit: "DON'T GIVE UP!"
Maybe today you will quit for only a day, perhaps tomorrow it will be for two days. Just keep trying. I know it's not easy to stop something you enjoy, but after you have quit for a month or so, you will realize that you didn't really enjoy it -- you were simply a slave to it.
In my mind, I finally decided what I wanted more than nicotine. I wanted to live. -- JILL DIAL, TITUSVILLE, FLA.
DEAR JILL: Thank you for a powerful letter. Be assured that it will inspire countless smokers to follow your example.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)