Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Conflict Over Baby's Name Is Sign of Big Trouble Ahead
DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Sad Mom-to-Be," whose husband insists on naming their firstborn son after both his grandfathers, missed the point completely. The problem is not that Mom and her husband can't agree on a name; the problem is that her selfish, inconsiderate husband has decided he doesn't feel like being flexible on an issue that his wife considers very important. What a cruel way to treat a pregnant wife!
I have shared this bitter experience, Abby. My now ex-husband also insisted on naming our baby for his relatives, and I foolishly gave in. What I failed to understand at the time was that my husband's controlling, domineering behavior masked his underlying hostility toward me.
In the years after our baby was born, his mistreatment of me turned physical, and I had to get a court order to force him out of our home. (By the way, the relative for whom my son is named all but abandoned the child after our divorce.) My son is now stuck with a name that means nothing to him. What a shame. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR BEEN THERE: You are not the only reader who disagreed with my answer to "Sad Mom-to-Be." I have received a mountain of mail from men and women who were appalled by the husband's attitude. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am frankly astounded at the attitude of the husband -- and I say this as a husband and father, not as a fellow mom-to-be. Of course, we're getting the information secondhand, but somehow I seriously doubt that the man is flexible on many things at all. He seems pretty much like a control freak. Unless the situation is far different than pictured, I'm afraid that "Sad Mom-to-Be" is in for a long and difficult road. -- VICTOR H. JUNG, M.D., YUBA CITY, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: Please inform "Sad Mom-to-Be," who thinks she has no say in naming her firstborn child, about a fact of life of which she may not be aware. In most, if not all, places in the United States, the mother fills out the birth certificate, and signs it.
So cheer up, honey. You have the tactical advantage in getting your authoritarian husband back to the bargaining table to reach a compromise you can both live with. -- EVELYN WALZER, HUDSON, OHIO
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Sad Mom-to-Be," who was upset that her husband insists on naming their new baby after his two grandfathers. You forgot one very important remedy to their situation -- two middle names. They can give the child the grandfathers' names as middle names, and select a mutually agreeable first name. The best example I can think of for this is: George Herbert Walker Bush. -- JANET BEHNING, MESQUITE, TEXAS
DEAR JANET: Now, why didn't I think of that!
DEAR ABBY: The young mother-to-be fails to realize that her refusal to name her son after her husband's grandfathers is equally inflexible. While honoring his grandfather may be more important to him than considering the wishes of his wife, getting her way in naming the child may be more important to her than considering the wishes of her husband. It is all a matter of perspective.
The most important consideration should be the effect of the name as the child is growing up. (Let's hope the names are not so unusual or outdated as to cause the child embarrassment when he goes to school.) Beyond that, the one to whom the issue is least important should concede the point. The compromises you suggested are valid. -- JOSEPH BUTLER, CLARKSTON, GA.
DEAR JOSEPH: I regret to say that you and I were overwhelmingly outvoted on this one. However, you have made some valid points. Thanks for the input.
As much as I would have liked to print more of the fascinating responses I received on this subject, space limitations do not permit it.
Knowledge Is Potent Weapon in Teen's Battle of the Bulge
DEAR ABBY: I am 15 years old and 20 pounds overweight. Like overweight teens everywhere, I have experienced a lot of rejection. For the past two years, I have tried to slim down my waist and lose the unwanted fat. I have tried walking for exercise, but it's not easy when you don't have someone to keep you company.
It's hard to stay away from junk food when it's always in my house and being offered to me. I don't have strong willpower, and the determination I once had has almost completely left me. I feel like a failure.
Can you help me, Abby? -- ALMOST HOPELESS
DEAR ALMOST HOPELESS: Losing weight and becoming fit are admirable goals. This is not just about determination and/or willpower. Your strongest ally is education. Ask your doctor for help in learning HOW to eat, not just how much. Ask a counselor at school if there are nutrition classes available, or find some books on your own that teach you how to eat properly.
Find a "buddy" who is as committed as you are to changing your eating habits. Exercise together. Don't look at this as "dieting," but as adopting a new way of eating and exercising that improves your health and appearance. Good luck.
DEAR ABBY: I'm getting married in October, and there is an issue my fiance and I cannot seem to resolve. Our mothers are pulling us in opposite directions.
My mother wants us to open our wedding gifts at the reception. His mother thinks it would be "tacky." My fiance feels it would be a waste of time at the reception, and agrees with his mother that the gifts should be opened the next day at a brunch for the families.
Abby, I come from a very large family. Many of my aunts, uncles and cousins will be traveling long distances to attend our wedding. Most of them have expressed a desire to see us open the gifts, but not all of them would be able to stay another day just for that.
My mother has allowed us to make the decisions on everything else, but she insists that the gifts be opened at the wedding reception. What is the socially correct procedure? -- BRIDE IN OREGON
DEAR BRIDE: Traditionally, gifts are not opened at the reception. It is usually inconvenient for the couple. Even when the reception is small and informal, there is seldom time to open presents and express appropriate gratitude.
If gifts are brought to the wedding and/or reception, the bride and groom should thank the donor and hand the packages to someone assigned to put them in a safe place. This is the only way to avoid losing the card or breaking or losing the gift in the excitement of the festivities.
A brunch the following day, during which the families can see you open the gifts, is a good idea. Consider videotaping the brunch for those who must return home immediately following the reception.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Phil in Oregon," the man who wrote about his embarrassing habit. Please let him know there is nothing wrong with sucking your thumb!
I am a college-educated 23-year-old woman who has been sucking my thumb ever since I was one day old. I don't think Phil should be embarrassed about his habit. He should accept it.
Sucking your thumb is not bad. Some people, like myself, find thumb-sucking relaxing, especially before going to sleep. (It's better than drinking alcohol, or doing drugs to relax.)
My friends and even my boyfriend (who has been with me for over four years) all know of my thumb-sucking habit, and they don't mind. -- J.K.C. IN LONG ISLAND
DEAR J.K.C.: Phil will undoubtedly be grateful for your supportive letter. Although it's rarely publicized, I'm sure there are many adult thumb-suckers. Have you thought of starting a support group? (I can see it now: www.thumbsup!.org.)
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WOMAN ALL TIED UP IN KNOTS MUST CUT HERSELF SOME SLACK
DEAR ABBY: I have huge expectations for myself, but I never achieve my goals. For example, I want to be a straight-A student, but even though I study and study, I still get B's.
I want to be beautiful. I eat right, I work out, I get enough sleep, but I've never been able to lose the extra 10 pounds I carry.
Plus, I look in the mirror, and all I see is disorder. I want to be happy and surrounded by friends and family. In reality, every time I start to get close to a man, I get scared and ruin it. And if I spend more than an hour with my parents, I'm climbing the walls.
In short, how do I change so I can finally accept myself as I am, and begin enjoying life? -- FRUSTRATED PERFECTIONIST IN OAKLAND, CALIF.
DEAR PERFECTIONIST: You're already on the right track because you realize your unhappiness comes from the tint on the lenses through which you view your situation. Counseling is the answer. Once you get to the root of why you have such high expectations for yourself that nothing you achieve is meaningful, you'll be able to forgive yourself, and get on with your life.
DEAR ABBY: Ms. Barrett in Aurora, Colo., wanted to encourage parents to buckle their children in car seats. Perhaps my experience will impress parents with the importance of this safety measure.
My friend Suzie and I decided to take our sons to her father's home to swim in his pool. Suzie had two sons (ages 3 and 1) and I have one. I always insisted that the children buckle up in my car, and they never gave me a problem with it. I told them that they could either buckle up or walk along behind the car, and because they thought I would actually make them walk, they buckled up.
Well, the day we were going to take them to Suzie's father's home, my back seat was full of laundry, so we took two cars. I allowed my son to sit in the front seat, but I moved it way back so he wouldn't be too close to the dashboard -- then I buckled him in. Suzie's 3-year-old threw a fit about the safety seat, so she let him ride unbuckled. She followed me, and in my rearview mirror, I could see her son climbing from front to back and back to front.
Suddenly a car turned in front of me and I couldn't stop. I hit it and spun around, coming to a dead stop in the middle of the road. Suzie was so busy yelling at her son, she didn't see what was happening until it was too late. She hit me!
Although my little compact car didn't hold up very well, my son walked away with only a few minor bruises. Sadly, Suzie's 3-year-old didn't fare so well. He was thrown around in the car and critically injured. He died two days later. Every day I think about how easily his death could have been prevented had Suzie forced him to be buckled in his safety seat.
Since that accident, my son insists upon being buckled in. If I forget, he reminds me.
Abby, I want to tell parents that it's a lot easier to tolerate your children's anger when you insist that they are buckled in than to regret for eternity that you didn't. -- SAD FRIEND OF A BROKENHEARTED MOTHER
DEAR SAD FRIEND: Thank you for sharing this tragic story. If it prevents just one person from experiencing that nightmare, it is well worth space in this column.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)