What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Knowledge Is Potent Weapon in Teen's Battle of the Bulge
DEAR ABBY: I am 15 years old and 20 pounds overweight. Like overweight teens everywhere, I have experienced a lot of rejection. For the past two years, I have tried to slim down my waist and lose the unwanted fat. I have tried walking for exercise, but it's not easy when you don't have someone to keep you company.
It's hard to stay away from junk food when it's always in my house and being offered to me. I don't have strong willpower, and the determination I once had has almost completely left me. I feel like a failure.
Can you help me, Abby? -- ALMOST HOPELESS
DEAR ALMOST HOPELESS: Losing weight and becoming fit are admirable goals. This is not just about determination and/or willpower. Your strongest ally is education. Ask your doctor for help in learning HOW to eat, not just how much. Ask a counselor at school if there are nutrition classes available, or find some books on your own that teach you how to eat properly.
Find a "buddy" who is as committed as you are to changing your eating habits. Exercise together. Don't look at this as "dieting," but as adopting a new way of eating and exercising that improves your health and appearance. Good luck.
DEAR ABBY: I'm getting married in October, and there is an issue my fiance and I cannot seem to resolve. Our mothers are pulling us in opposite directions.
My mother wants us to open our wedding gifts at the reception. His mother thinks it would be "tacky." My fiance feels it would be a waste of time at the reception, and agrees with his mother that the gifts should be opened the next day at a brunch for the families.
Abby, I come from a very large family. Many of my aunts, uncles and cousins will be traveling long distances to attend our wedding. Most of them have expressed a desire to see us open the gifts, but not all of them would be able to stay another day just for that.
My mother has allowed us to make the decisions on everything else, but she insists that the gifts be opened at the wedding reception. What is the socially correct procedure? -- BRIDE IN OREGON
DEAR BRIDE: Traditionally, gifts are not opened at the reception. It is usually inconvenient for the couple. Even when the reception is small and informal, there is seldom time to open presents and express appropriate gratitude.
If gifts are brought to the wedding and/or reception, the bride and groom should thank the donor and hand the packages to someone assigned to put them in a safe place. This is the only way to avoid losing the card or breaking or losing the gift in the excitement of the festivities.
A brunch the following day, during which the families can see you open the gifts, is a good idea. Consider videotaping the brunch for those who must return home immediately following the reception.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Phil in Oregon," the man who wrote about his embarrassing habit. Please let him know there is nothing wrong with sucking your thumb!
I am a college-educated 23-year-old woman who has been sucking my thumb ever since I was one day old. I don't think Phil should be embarrassed about his habit. He should accept it.
Sucking your thumb is not bad. Some people, like myself, find thumb-sucking relaxing, especially before going to sleep. (It's better than drinking alcohol, or doing drugs to relax.)
My friends and even my boyfriend (who has been with me for over four years) all know of my thumb-sucking habit, and they don't mind. -- J.K.C. IN LONG ISLAND
DEAR J.K.C.: Phil will undoubtedly be grateful for your supportive letter. Although it's rarely publicized, I'm sure there are many adult thumb-suckers. Have you thought of starting a support group? (I can see it now: www.thumbsup!.org.)
WOMAN ALL TIED UP IN KNOTS MUST CUT HERSELF SOME SLACK
DEAR ABBY: I have huge expectations for myself, but I never achieve my goals. For example, I want to be a straight-A student, but even though I study and study, I still get B's.
I want to be beautiful. I eat right, I work out, I get enough sleep, but I've never been able to lose the extra 10 pounds I carry.
Plus, I look in the mirror, and all I see is disorder. I want to be happy and surrounded by friends and family. In reality, every time I start to get close to a man, I get scared and ruin it. And if I spend more than an hour with my parents, I'm climbing the walls.
In short, how do I change so I can finally accept myself as I am, and begin enjoying life? -- FRUSTRATED PERFECTIONIST IN OAKLAND, CALIF.
DEAR PERFECTIONIST: You're already on the right track because you realize your unhappiness comes from the tint on the lenses through which you view your situation. Counseling is the answer. Once you get to the root of why you have such high expectations for yourself that nothing you achieve is meaningful, you'll be able to forgive yourself, and get on with your life.
DEAR ABBY: Ms. Barrett in Aurora, Colo., wanted to encourage parents to buckle their children in car seats. Perhaps my experience will impress parents with the importance of this safety measure.
My friend Suzie and I decided to take our sons to her father's home to swim in his pool. Suzie had two sons (ages 3 and 1) and I have one. I always insisted that the children buckle up in my car, and they never gave me a problem with it. I told them that they could either buckle up or walk along behind the car, and because they thought I would actually make them walk, they buckled up.
Well, the day we were going to take them to Suzie's father's home, my back seat was full of laundry, so we took two cars. I allowed my son to sit in the front seat, but I moved it way back so he wouldn't be too close to the dashboard -- then I buckled him in. Suzie's 3-year-old threw a fit about the safety seat, so she let him ride unbuckled. She followed me, and in my rearview mirror, I could see her son climbing from front to back and back to front.
Suddenly a car turned in front of me and I couldn't stop. I hit it and spun around, coming to a dead stop in the middle of the road. Suzie was so busy yelling at her son, she didn't see what was happening until it was too late. She hit me!
Although my little compact car didn't hold up very well, my son walked away with only a few minor bruises. Sadly, Suzie's 3-year-old didn't fare so well. He was thrown around in the car and critically injured. He died two days later. Every day I think about how easily his death could have been prevented had Suzie forced him to be buckled in his safety seat.
Since that accident, my son insists upon being buckled in. If I forget, he reminds me.
Abby, I want to tell parents that it's a lot easier to tolerate your children's anger when you insist that they are buckled in than to regret for eternity that you didn't. -- SAD FRIEND OF A BROKENHEARTED MOTHER
DEAR SAD FRIEND: Thank you for sharing this tragic story. If it prevents just one person from experiencing that nightmare, it is well worth space in this column.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
HUSBAND WHO QUIT DRINKING HAS STOPPED LOVING AS WELL
DEAR ABBY: My husband quit drinking five years ago, and he hasn't made love to me since. The only time he put his arms around me after he quit was when his father died.
I don't think he is having an affair; I think he can't show his feelings unless he's had a drink. I sleep in another bedroom because he snores and reads the paper in bed, but he could come to my bed for sex if he wanted to.
I suggested counseling once, but he said I was the one who needed help. Now it seems I'm only attractive to him when he's had a drink or two.
Abby, I need to be held, and made to feel like a woman once in a while. Life is too short to live like this, but I still love him. What can I do to get him to be affectionate again? -- FEELING UNLOVED IN ST. CLOUD, MINN.
DEAR FEELING UNLOVED: There is little you can do, unless your husband admits there's a problem that needs to be resolved.
If he is content with the marriage and is unwilling to seek counseling with you, go without him. The kind of rejection you describe can be devastating to one's self-esteem. With professional help you will be able to rebuild it -- and also decide what you want to do about this marriage.
DEAR ABBY: I must respond to your answer to "Catfused in Canada." Unless you have cats, you have no right to tell the reader to "keep the cats in a separate room with food and water." As every cat lover knows, people don't own cats -- cats own people!
Since visitors know that their friend has cats, if they are allergic to them, or dislike them, they should not come to visit.
I have two wonderfully spoiled "children" of my own, and I choose not to have some people over -- and some choose not to come on their own -- because they know how freely my cats are allowed to roam the house. They are exclusively indoor cats, so to confine them to one room, even if only temporarily, is not right.
Cats are family members, just as people are. Abby, what would you have told "Catfused" if he or she had a child that the neighbors didn't like? Keep the child in a separate room with food and water?
Be careful how you respond to cat lovers. -- CAT LOVER IN GEORGIA
DEAR GEORGIA CAT LOVER: Since that letter appeared in my column, the fur has been flying from cat lovers nationwide. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to the advice you gave "Catfused in Canada." The reader asked what to do with his/her three declawed cats when her neighbor visited and asked her to remove the cats from the room. You told the hostess she should put her cats in another room with food and water.
In my opinion, "Catfused" should leave the cats where they are. The neighbor should respect the fact that the cats live there, and the hostess should tell her the cats are free to roam as they please because it's their home. If the neighbor doesn't agree, she can call instead of dropping over. -- A CAT LOVER IN NEW ORLEANS
DEAR CAT LOVER: I doubt that a few minutes in another room would traumatize "Catfused's" pets. It's common courtesy to make a guest comfortable in your home. Denying pets free run of the house occasionally for a short time is not, in my opinion, too great a sacrifice to make in the interest of hospitality.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)