For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
HUSBAND WHO QUIT DRINKING HAS STOPPED LOVING AS WELL
DEAR ABBY: My husband quit drinking five years ago, and he hasn't made love to me since. The only time he put his arms around me after he quit was when his father died.
I don't think he is having an affair; I think he can't show his feelings unless he's had a drink. I sleep in another bedroom because he snores and reads the paper in bed, but he could come to my bed for sex if he wanted to.
I suggested counseling once, but he said I was the one who needed help. Now it seems I'm only attractive to him when he's had a drink or two.
Abby, I need to be held, and made to feel like a woman once in a while. Life is too short to live like this, but I still love him. What can I do to get him to be affectionate again? -- FEELING UNLOVED IN ST. CLOUD, MINN.
DEAR FEELING UNLOVED: There is little you can do, unless your husband admits there's a problem that needs to be resolved.
If he is content with the marriage and is unwilling to seek counseling with you, go without him. The kind of rejection you describe can be devastating to one's self-esteem. With professional help you will be able to rebuild it -- and also decide what you want to do about this marriage.
DEAR ABBY: I must respond to your answer to "Catfused in Canada." Unless you have cats, you have no right to tell the reader to "keep the cats in a separate room with food and water." As every cat lover knows, people don't own cats -- cats own people!
Since visitors know that their friend has cats, if they are allergic to them, or dislike them, they should not come to visit.
I have two wonderfully spoiled "children" of my own, and I choose not to have some people over -- and some choose not to come on their own -- because they know how freely my cats are allowed to roam the house. They are exclusively indoor cats, so to confine them to one room, even if only temporarily, is not right.
Cats are family members, just as people are. Abby, what would you have told "Catfused" if he or she had a child that the neighbors didn't like? Keep the child in a separate room with food and water?
Be careful how you respond to cat lovers. -- CAT LOVER IN GEORGIA
DEAR GEORGIA CAT LOVER: Since that letter appeared in my column, the fur has been flying from cat lovers nationwide. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to the advice you gave "Catfused in Canada." The reader asked what to do with his/her three declawed cats when her neighbor visited and asked her to remove the cats from the room. You told the hostess she should put her cats in another room with food and water.
In my opinion, "Catfused" should leave the cats where they are. The neighbor should respect the fact that the cats live there, and the hostess should tell her the cats are free to roam as they please because it's their home. If the neighbor doesn't agree, she can call instead of dropping over. -- A CAT LOVER IN NEW ORLEANS
DEAR CAT LOVER: I doubt that a few minutes in another room would traumatize "Catfused's" pets. It's common courtesy to make a guest comfortable in your home. Denying pets free run of the house occasionally for a short time is not, in my opinion, too great a sacrifice to make in the interest of hospitality.
DEAR ABBY: The problem my husband and I face is probably not unique, but we desperately need some advice. His 16-year-old daughter is very loving and affectionate, but she's also easily led; consequently she's being taken advantage of by her so-called boyfriends.
"Stacy" visits us on weekends, so we have no control over her behavior during the week when the problems occur. She has been boy-crazy for a couple of years now, but I was shocked at what I read in an open notebook she left on her bed. Daddy's seemingly innocent little girl is not innocent at all. The notebook is a journal in which she has written her feelings and experiences -- in shockingly vulgar language. According to the diary, she has had many sexual encounters with three boys.
When I revealed what I had read to her father, he was devastated. We have had talks with Stacy about sex, but apparently to no avail. We fear that if we confront her, she'll stop spending weekends with us.
Her father and I know that her mother must be told what's going on, but Stacy is sure to feel betrayed when we spill the beans. Also, we fear the potential consequences Stacy will face from her mother.
To further complicate the problem, my husband would rather eat glass than talk to Stacy's mother because of her temper and inability to set aside her personal feelings to focus on what's best for this child.
Abby, how do we advise her mother with the least possible risk to our relationship with Stacy? -- NO NAME OR CITY, PLEASE
DEAR NO NAME OR CITY: Calm yourselves. What you read in Stacy's diary may not necessarily be true. Teen-age girls have been known to engage in creative writing in filling the pages of their diaries.
You and her father need to discuss this with her, and determine how sexually experienced she is. Begin by saying, "You left your diary open on your bed, and we have reason to believe you have become sexually active. No one was trying to pry. What shall we tell your mother?"
If Stacy is sexually active, she needs birth control. And repeat what she needs to know about sexually transmitted diseases and how to protect herself from them.
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter signed "Caregiver in La Canada," I had to write. "Caregiver" stated that she has family members in nursing homes across the country and is "unable to visit them as I'd like, although they are always in my thoughts and prayers. I would be horrified to discover that a nursing home staff member had given the name of one of my relatives to a stranger."
Well, Abby, I worked in a nursing home for years and saw firsthand how much it meant to residents to have a "real-live" visitor. I have also just completed chemotherapy treatments and have felt firsthand appreciation for real-live visitors and personal letters of caring.
While thoughts and prayers are wonderful, nothing says "I love you" like a hug! -- LINDA IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR LINDA: You're right on the money. Nothing teaches like personal experience. I wish you continued success in your recovery.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
CAREER WOMAN HAPPILY MAKES A HOME FOR LIVE-IN BOYFRIEND
DEAR ABBY: I don't know how you feel about response letters to response letters. Nonetheless, the letter I read today from "Happy With a '90s Home Life," chastising your printing the letter from "Old-Fashioned and Proud of It," evoked a fiery response from me.
I am a 29-year-old woman with a college education, a professional career and a boyfriend I live with. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than knowing when he walks through the door, he has a meal, a neat home, and does not need to worry if his clothes are clean.
I consider myself fortunate to have good looks, brains, and to have retained the values of "making a home" my mother taught me, which I will be proud to teach the daughter I may someday have. I consider myself blessed to have a great guy, and I am showing him just that every day through my quite natural efforts. I know he loves me and I do not expect him to prove it by putting the pillow under my feet as I put them up. Any woman who aspires to shirking domestic duties she should be proud to accomplish can be summed up in one word: LAZY.
It is not a matter of women "serving" or men needing "survival skills." Relationships are about wanting to take care of your partner and making each day easier for him. Relationships are meant to be about "us."
Too many partners in relationships these days ask the question, "What can you do for me?" as opposed to, "How can I help you?" There is something wrong with this lack of selflessness, and quite possibly people have forgotten the definition of "true love." If two people really care for each other, there should be no thought of tit-for-tat. Acts performed from the heart all equal out in the end. -- HAPPY TO BE RON'S GIRL, 1997
DEAR HAPPY: I'm sorry you didn't allow me to use your name, but perhaps it's for the best. Ron might be killed in the stampede of contemporary feminists trying to do you in -- and men climbing over HIM to get to YOU.
DEAR ABBY: I am 70-plus and have just lost my wife. We had a very good marriage. I want to continue living an active life and begin dating when it is appropriate. How long should one wait to start dating, and how long should one wait to marry again? -- WIDOWER IN FLORIDA
DEAR WIDOWER: Grief is such a personal emotion that no one can presume to make rules that will apply to everyone.
A widow or widower may begin dating whenever he or she feels like it; the decision is yours. When you tie the knot again is up to you -- and the lucky lady who will accompany you down the aisle.
DEAR ABBY: My condolences to "Janis in Capistrano Beach, Calif.," who bragged that she wore makeup and a tight T-shirt to "lure the salesclerks" so her husband could get help. She apparently is blissfully unaware that she has been insulted.
It probably takes 100 well-groomed, hard-working professional women to offset the influence of each "Janis."
Women will never have respect, equal opportunity and equal pay until they learn to value themselves for their abilities and their contributions to society rather than the size of their bra cups.
You may print my letter if you wish, including my name and state. -- LEOLA FARMER, TULSA, OKLA.
DEAR MS. FARMER: I agree. And hasten the day when "... and blessed be they whose cup runneth over" refers only to good fortune.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)