To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Father Digs in His Heels in Battle Over Son's Name
DEAR ABBY: "Jack" and I were recently married and are now expecting our first child. Unfortunately, what should be a joyous time for us has turned into a battle of wills.
The day we found out I was pregnant, Jack told me if our child is a boy, he wants to name the baby after both his grandfathers, only one of whom is still living. I told him then I didn't care for either name and suggested we compromise by using one as a middle name, and then selecting a first name that we both like.
We learned last week that we are, indeed, going to have a boy. Jack refuses to discuss any other names. He said he has decided "not to be flexible on the subject" and doesn't care if it is fair or if I like it.
His attitude is killing all the joyful anticipation I should be feeling over the birth of our son. He has made it clear that "honoring" his grandfather is more important to him than considering the wishes of his wife -- the mother of his child.
I've tried telling him how I feel about naming the baby, and that I won't sign the birth certificate unless our son has a name we both agree on. He says he doesn't care; he'll sign it without me.
Shouldn't I have a say in choosing the name my firstborn will carry for the rest of his life? I can't get my husband to listen to me on the subject. What should I do? -- SAD MOM-TO-BE, WHITTIER, CALIF.
DEAR SAD MOM-TO-BE: It is unfortunate that naming the baby has become a battle of wills. However, there may still be some room for compromise.
Consider agreeing to name the boy after his paternal great-grandfathers, then promptly give the child a nickname. Or, tell your husband that if he names the first child, it's your right to name the second -- and put the agreement in writing.
DEAR ABBY: I read your column daily, and you offer good advice. Keep up the good work.
I'm writing to offer a suggestion to kids who have spare time this summer. I'm 12 years old and volunteer at my mother's job. She works in a nursing home. I walk with patients, talk to them, run errands and help with activities, plus a lot of other things. You can learn a lot, and bring patients joy and a smile to their faces.
Volunteering teaches you responsibility and earns you friends. I'd definitely recommend working at a nursing home or volunteering at other places -- such as animal shelters, businesses, farms, hospitals, or just work at people's homes for free.
It may sound boring to some people, but it's worth the time. I've made many friends and have had lots of fun doing it. -- REBECCA L. MAHAN, KEWASKUM, WIS.
DEAR REBECCA: Giving of one's time is the most precious gift a person can bestow. I know from personal experience how rewarding volunteer work can be. You are a mature and generous young lady who has learned a valuable lesson at a young age. Bless you for spreading the word.
COUPLE CONFRONTS STARK REALITY DURING WEEKEND AT NUDIST CLUB
DEAR ABBY: I had to laugh at the letter from "Happily Surprised in Minnesota," concerning her visit to a nudist club, but she didn't explain the "non-reaction" of the members. Imagine a nudist club and male and female supermodels parading around, enticing all. That was my husband's fantasy, so I let myself be talked into a visit.
My first sight, as we drove down to the club's office, was a man at least 80 years of age jogging down a trail stark naked, except for his running shoes. It was so unexpected that I burst into fits of hysterical laughter. Much to my husband's displeasure, the giggles continued while we were in the office registering. I was informed that if I felt uncomfortable, I could wear a bathing suit the first day.
So we went to sit at the pool in our bathing suits. There we discovered that a nudist club is real life, not fantasy. It's made up of appendix and gall bladder scars, stretch marks, beer bellies and everything from grossly underweight to grossly overweight. We discovered that sitting clothed while a hundred others are nude brings out the same feelings you'd have wearing jeans and a T-shirt to a formal, black-tie affair. You realize you stand out like a sore thumb and become very uncomfortable. Within a few hours, we removed our suits.
Not once during the entire weekend did I see any reaction to the nudity of others. No one seemed interested in the bodies of others at all, which is the "non-reaction" your reader mentioned. You begin to realize nude is just that -- nude. Nothing is left to the imagination at all. And without imagination, there's no interest in even looking. I understood this, but my husband seemed terribly disappointed.
A word of caution, however. Areas of the body that have never seen sunshine must be heavily protected with sunscreen. I couldn't wear a bra for a week because of the sunburn. My macho husband was in agony for two weeks because he was too "tough" to heed my suggestion about using sun lotion on his buttocks and frontal area. He never mentioned visiting a nudist club again. -- STILL LAUGHING IN FLORIDA
DEAR LAUGHING: Your letter proves that after sunscreen, the second most essential item to take to a nudist colony is a sense of humor.
My dermatologist friends tell me that "Old Sol" is the enemy of a lasting beautiful complexion, and it's unwise to venture out without a sunscreen that has less than an SPF 15 rating. My sun-worshipping readers may want to "bare" that in mind.
DEAR ABBY: I've been seeing "Fred" for five years and have been in love with him for four. Recently, I left my husband, then Fred and I moved in together.
Everything is perfect except for one flaw. Fred got a girl pregnant. He told me he didn't love her and wanted her to get an abortion, but she thought that he would marry her for the sake of the baby. He claims he told her up front that he didn't love her, but she had the baby anyway. They named him "Sammy."
We have Sammy two days a week. I don't want the child around, but I'm afraid if I tell Fred how I feel, he will leave me. He seems fond of the boy even though he didn't want him in the beginning.
Abby, it's getting harder and harder for me to be civil to this child. I wish Fred would give up his custody rights and just visit his son once in a while.
Fred and I truly love each other, but it is impossible for me to accept Sammy, and I hate it that Fred sees his son's mother when necessary.
Abby, how can I get Fred to give Sammy up? -- UNHAPPY IN UTICA, N.Y.
DEAR UNHAPPY: Fred is trying to be a responsible and loving father regardless of the circumstances of his son's birth -- which is commendable.
It is unfair to both of them for you to attempt to break up this father/son relationship because of your insecurity. And should you succeed, Fred is sure to resent it.
As I see it, you have two choices: Accept the boy and secure Fred's love, or nourish your resentment and risk losing him. If you choose the first option, I urge you to see a counselor and learn to subdue your jealousy and accept little Sammy. Good luck.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
CHILD'S PERSEVERANCE WINS DAD COMPASSIONATE RELEASE
DEAR ABBY: Not long ago, I wrote to you in desperation. I told you that my father, at 54 years of age, was sent to prison for seven years for attempting to hijack a car while drunk. No weapons were involved. He had never had so much as a traffic ticket before that. I wrote:
"My father has approximately 14 months left to serve, and he has terminal cancer.
"This is the second time the cancer has returned, and this time it has come back with a vengeance. He is suffering horrible pain, for which he is being given only aspirin, and is receiving no treatment at all for the cancer. I have talked to the warden and the medical staff at the prison, to no avail.
"I know my father broke the law. But he is now completely immobile, his weight is down to 105 pounds, and he spends his days wracked with pain. I realize there is no excuse for breaking the law, but I don't think a first-time offender should pay with his life the way my father is.
"I have spent hundreds of dollars on phone calls, faxes and letters, but haven't found anyone who will help. My father doesn't have long to live. I want him near so I can give him the love and care he deserves until his time is up and he has gone on to a better place. What can I do?"
Abby, I was shocked when you phoned me after you received my letter. You suggested I speak to Judy Greenspan, director of the Catholic Charities of the East Bay HIV/AIDS in Prison Project in Oakland, Calif. Your call was the first ray of hope I had received.
With Ms. Greenspan's painstaking effort, my father was finally released from prison. He was so ill by then that he had to be placed immediately in the hospital. I was by his side when he passed away one week later. His last moments were peaceful.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Because of you and Ms. Greenspan, my father didn't have to die alone. His last days were spent in relative comfort, surrounded by loving family. -- C.S. IN TULARE, CALIF.
DEAR C.S.: Please accept my condolences on the loss of your father. Your letters touched my heart. When I received your first letter, I spoke to Judy Greenspan who confirmed that it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, for terminally ill prisoners to obtain early release from their sentences.
Prison officials are reluctant to support compassionate-release programs even when inmates are so ill they no longer pose a threat to society. Prisons, which are already filled to capacity, now have a large population of prisoners with serious illnesses. They generally receive little medical attention, and the cost of incarcerating them is more than three times that of housing prisoners who are not sick.
Advocates of compassionate release maintain that society gains nothing by keeping dying prisoners locked behind bars, and that releasing them is both compassionate and fiscally responsible.
In California, legislation is pending to streamline the release of terminally ill inmates who no longer pose a threat to society. It is hoped that federal leadership and legislation will follow, so that families will not have to endure this hardship.
For more information about compassionate release, contact Judy Greenspan, director, Catholic Charities of the East Bay HIV/AIDS in Prison Project, 433 Jefferson St., Oakland, Calif. 94607; or e-mail her at judyg@igc.org.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)