To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
COUPLE CONFRONTS STARK REALITY DURING WEEKEND AT NUDIST CLUB
DEAR ABBY: I had to laugh at the letter from "Happily Surprised in Minnesota," concerning her visit to a nudist club, but she didn't explain the "non-reaction" of the members. Imagine a nudist club and male and female supermodels parading around, enticing all. That was my husband's fantasy, so I let myself be talked into a visit.
My first sight, as we drove down to the club's office, was a man at least 80 years of age jogging down a trail stark naked, except for his running shoes. It was so unexpected that I burst into fits of hysterical laughter. Much to my husband's displeasure, the giggles continued while we were in the office registering. I was informed that if I felt uncomfortable, I could wear a bathing suit the first day.
So we went to sit at the pool in our bathing suits. There we discovered that a nudist club is real life, not fantasy. It's made up of appendix and gall bladder scars, stretch marks, beer bellies and everything from grossly underweight to grossly overweight. We discovered that sitting clothed while a hundred others are nude brings out the same feelings you'd have wearing jeans and a T-shirt to a formal, black-tie affair. You realize you stand out like a sore thumb and become very uncomfortable. Within a few hours, we removed our suits.
Not once during the entire weekend did I see any reaction to the nudity of others. No one seemed interested in the bodies of others at all, which is the "non-reaction" your reader mentioned. You begin to realize nude is just that -- nude. Nothing is left to the imagination at all. And without imagination, there's no interest in even looking. I understood this, but my husband seemed terribly disappointed.
A word of caution, however. Areas of the body that have never seen sunshine must be heavily protected with sunscreen. I couldn't wear a bra for a week because of the sunburn. My macho husband was in agony for two weeks because he was too "tough" to heed my suggestion about using sun lotion on his buttocks and frontal area. He never mentioned visiting a nudist club again. -- STILL LAUGHING IN FLORIDA
DEAR LAUGHING: Your letter proves that after sunscreen, the second most essential item to take to a nudist colony is a sense of humor.
My dermatologist friends tell me that "Old Sol" is the enemy of a lasting beautiful complexion, and it's unwise to venture out without a sunscreen that has less than an SPF 15 rating. My sun-worshipping readers may want to "bare" that in mind.
DEAR ABBY: I've been seeing "Fred" for five years and have been in love with him for four. Recently, I left my husband, then Fred and I moved in together.
Everything is perfect except for one flaw. Fred got a girl pregnant. He told me he didn't love her and wanted her to get an abortion, but she thought that he would marry her for the sake of the baby. He claims he told her up front that he didn't love her, but she had the baby anyway. They named him "Sammy."
We have Sammy two days a week. I don't want the child around, but I'm afraid if I tell Fred how I feel, he will leave me. He seems fond of the boy even though he didn't want him in the beginning.
Abby, it's getting harder and harder for me to be civil to this child. I wish Fred would give up his custody rights and just visit his son once in a while.
Fred and I truly love each other, but it is impossible for me to accept Sammy, and I hate it that Fred sees his son's mother when necessary.
Abby, how can I get Fred to give Sammy up? -- UNHAPPY IN UTICA, N.Y.
DEAR UNHAPPY: Fred is trying to be a responsible and loving father regardless of the circumstances of his son's birth -- which is commendable.
It is unfair to both of them for you to attempt to break up this father/son relationship because of your insecurity. And should you succeed, Fred is sure to resent it.
As I see it, you have two choices: Accept the boy and secure Fred's love, or nourish your resentment and risk losing him. If you choose the first option, I urge you to see a counselor and learn to subdue your jealousy and accept little Sammy. Good luck.
CHILD'S PERSEVERANCE WINS DAD COMPASSIONATE RELEASE
DEAR ABBY: Not long ago, I wrote to you in desperation. I told you that my father, at 54 years of age, was sent to prison for seven years for attempting to hijack a car while drunk. No weapons were involved. He had never had so much as a traffic ticket before that. I wrote:
"My father has approximately 14 months left to serve, and he has terminal cancer.
"This is the second time the cancer has returned, and this time it has come back with a vengeance. He is suffering horrible pain, for which he is being given only aspirin, and is receiving no treatment at all for the cancer. I have talked to the warden and the medical staff at the prison, to no avail.
"I know my father broke the law. But he is now completely immobile, his weight is down to 105 pounds, and he spends his days wracked with pain. I realize there is no excuse for breaking the law, but I don't think a first-time offender should pay with his life the way my father is.
"I have spent hundreds of dollars on phone calls, faxes and letters, but haven't found anyone who will help. My father doesn't have long to live. I want him near so I can give him the love and care he deserves until his time is up and he has gone on to a better place. What can I do?"
Abby, I was shocked when you phoned me after you received my letter. You suggested I speak to Judy Greenspan, director of the Catholic Charities of the East Bay HIV/AIDS in Prison Project in Oakland, Calif. Your call was the first ray of hope I had received.
With Ms. Greenspan's painstaking effort, my father was finally released from prison. He was so ill by then that he had to be placed immediately in the hospital. I was by his side when he passed away one week later. His last moments were peaceful.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Because of you and Ms. Greenspan, my father didn't have to die alone. His last days were spent in relative comfort, surrounded by loving family. -- C.S. IN TULARE, CALIF.
DEAR C.S.: Please accept my condolences on the loss of your father. Your letters touched my heart. When I received your first letter, I spoke to Judy Greenspan who confirmed that it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, for terminally ill prisoners to obtain early release from their sentences.
Prison officials are reluctant to support compassionate-release programs even when inmates are so ill they no longer pose a threat to society. Prisons, which are already filled to capacity, now have a large population of prisoners with serious illnesses. They generally receive little medical attention, and the cost of incarcerating them is more than three times that of housing prisoners who are not sick.
Advocates of compassionate release maintain that society gains nothing by keeping dying prisoners locked behind bars, and that releasing them is both compassionate and fiscally responsible.
In California, legislation is pending to streamline the release of terminally ill inmates who no longer pose a threat to society. It is hoped that federal leadership and legislation will follow, so that families will not have to endure this hardship.
For more information about compassionate release, contact Judy Greenspan, director, Catholic Charities of the East Bay HIV/AIDS in Prison Project, 433 Jefferson St., Oakland, Calif. 94607; or e-mail her at judyg@igc.org.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MARRIAGE TALK GETS DOWNSIZED WHEN MAN PURSUES HIS CAREER
DEAR ABBY: I am a sophomore in college. Last summer I met a wonderful young man. He gave me his phone number, and a week later, we went on our first date. When he asked me out for a second date, I accepted.
In the months that followed, he became the love of my life. We fell in love and I became part of his family. We found everything we had been looking for in each other. He was the first to mention marriage and having a family -- he even talked about where he'd like us to live. He promised nothing would ever come between us.
After all these promises, he just informed me that his career is his No. 1 priority now, and he doesn't have time for me. His change of heart came about abruptly, and I don't know why. I am devastated. I know there are many fish in the sea, but he's the only fish I want.
This breakup is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Every day I pray we'll get back together. Abby, have you any suggestions for mending a broken heart? -- BROKENHEARTED IN WAUSAU, WIS.
DEAR BROKENHEARTED: Yes. Don't sit alone and brood. Attend parties, school affairs and develop new interests. One of the most effective therapies for a broken heart is to keep busy! Avoid the "old reminders" that tend to make you moody and broody, such as "your" song.
Get rid of the photographs of you with him -- as well as any souvenirs or gifts he gave you.
Once a relationship is over, all of the note-writing, phoning or conniving will not help your cause. Don't ask a mutual friend to help you "get him back." It will only make you appear foolish.
Chalk this up to experience. There is no growth without some pain. And remember, it only hurts for a little while.
DEAR ABBY: I know your column deals mainly with people's problems, but occasionally I see a humorous item included. Since the computer is thrust on me whether I like it or not, I'm enclosing an original poem that shows how I feel about their "infallibility"!
I hope you get a smile out of it, as I often get a smile out of your column, among the more serious items. -- LORAINE REXFORD, FORT LAUDERDALE, FLA.
DEAR LORAINE: The poem is witty, and I'm sure my readers will find it as amusing as I did. Read on:
OWED TWO COMPUTERS
BUY
LORAINE REXFORD
THEE spell check on my computer
Tells WON if a word is an AIR,
I'm SEW glad TWO have this convenience
We FILL BETTOR because it is THEIR.
WEE RING ARE hands when we're worried
ARE spelling may KNOT BEE WRITE,
Webster WOOD TERN INN his grave
TOO NO WEE OUR KNOT SEW bright.
SEAMS the old-fashioned dictionary
Showed AWL the words clear and clean.
SEW what WOOD WEE DUE without it
TWO SEA if words say what WEE mean?
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)