To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: "Mel" and I married two years ago. He was 67 and retired, a widower after 30-plus years of marriage, with two children and four grandchildren. I'm 54, stopped working when I married him, have three children and one grandchild. Mel and I now live in the same house he lived in with his wife.
Before the wedding I asked Mel if we were going to move. I made it clear that I didn't want to stay in his house. He promised we would move. Bottom line: It's been two years and now he says we're not moving. He's happy in this house, comfortable, etc. I once suggested that he let me change things around the house a little. His response: "What for? Everything is in its place. Besides, we're moving anyway."
What shall I do? He does not see things the way I do because he is not hurting emotionally. I have become very frustrated because even if we talk it out the whole day, he'll conveniently "forget" and not do anything about it. Abby, I'm not getting any younger and if I need to get a job, I should try to get one right now.
One other thing: He thinks money is everything. But I have proven to him that money is not everything to me by signing a prenuptial agreement wherein I get nothing. However, he always says he will provide for me when he's gone, that I will not go hungry, etc. How can I believe him when he cannot even make good on his word regarding moving? -- UNHAPPY IN ORANGE COUNTY, CALIF.
DEAR UNHAPPY: I am unable to determine from your letter if your husband is "forgetting" because he is selfish or whether it could be the beginning of senile dementia. But I urge you to protect yourself. By all means, find a job. You may need the income. Also, consult an attorney to find out how your husband will provide for you, should anything happen to him, in the aftermath of that prenuptial agreement you signed. I, too, wonder how you can believe his promise to take care of you, since he refuses to follow through about moving.
DEAR ABBY: I thought the letter from Ruth A. Davis of the U.S. State Department regarding consular officers at embassies abroad was both interesting and informative.
Several years ago, my husband and I were in Italy with another couple when our trunk was broken into. Everything was taken -- including my friend's purse containing her and her husband's passports.
Needless to say, it caused us untold problems. We had to change our travel plans to include a visit to the U.S. consulate in Milan. Fortunately, the hotel we had stayed at the prior evening had recorded our passport numbers so we were able to call and obtain the much-needed information. Only then could the embassy quickly issue new passports.
We learned a valuable lesson that you might like to pass on to your readers, Abby. Make a copy of your passport before you leave home and carry it with you while abroad, separate from your original passport. -- INFORMED TRAVELER, ATLANTA
DEAR INFORMED TRAVELER: Thank you for a helpful reminder. Another worthwhile safety measure: Record the numbers of your traveler's checks and keep them separate from the checks, in case of theft.
Frightened Teens Can Easily Choose the Adoption Option
DEAR ABBY: I am writing to you out of sheer frustration. I have just read another account of a young woman, apparently unable to deal with the prospect of parenthood, doing away with her newborn child.
As an adoption attorney, I work with many couples who are desperate to adopt. If the young parents had any idea how easy it would be for them to arrange an adoption, and how many people would thank God for a chance to parent a child, perhaps they would not take the drastic step of abandoning, or killing and disposing of a newborn.
I know in many cases they are ashamed and frightened, and want no one to know of their pregnancy. Please tell them that the consequences of murdering their newborn child are far more frightening and shameful than acknowledging their pregnancy and placing the child for adoption could ever be.
They can call any adoption agency or adoption attorney, and they will be treated with respect and sensitivity. There is no obligation and no cost. (Look under Adoption Services in the Yellow Pages.) If young women would do this, they would answer a family's prayers and assure themselves and their babies a better future. Abandonment is not the answer. Neither is murder. Adoption is.
Thank you for the opportunity to say this. You may use my name. -- LINDA E.F. LACH, ATTORNEY AT LAW, LIHUE, HAWAII
DEAR LINDA: It is hard to imagine that in the 1990s, a young woman could find herself pregnant, and be so uninformed and fearful of her parents that she would choose not to confide in the people who are supposed to protect and guide her. However, in some families the girls feel they cannot let their parents down by admitting they were sexually active. In other families, the relationship between parents and child is so dysfunctional the girl's fears are real.
I am printing your excellent letter in the hope that every young woman will read it. Although they may never need the information, perhaps they'll have a friend who will, and it will help to save innocent lives.
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from a woman who carried an unruly 3-year-old child (kicking and screaming) out of a store, and no one tried to stop her to find out if the child was her own, or if perhaps someone was trying to abduct the child.
Abby, parents should keep a family picture (mom, dad and children) in their purse or wallet as proof of parentage. -- MYRNA FELDMANN, DELANSON, N.Y.
DEAR MYRNA: Thank you for an excellent suggestion. Readers, make a note of this. It's good insurance.
DEAR ABBY: I laughed out loud at your response to "Wondering," whose husband had an affair three years before, but following surgery that left him impotent, he was very attentive to her. You were right on the money when you answered her question about why he had turned over a new leaf with, "Probably because there's not much left under the old one."
"Wondering" needs to wake up to the fact that her husband would still be cheating if he hadn't had the surgery. Now that his fun is over, he's staying closer to home.
My dog stopped jumping the fence after I got him neutered, but I sure wouldn't want to be married to him. -- STILL LAUGHING IN SAN DIEGO
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
REUNION OF MOTHER AND CHILD MAY BE ONLY A REGISTRY AWAY
DEAR ABBY: Several years ago you published the address for International Soundex Reunion Registry in Carson City, Nev. Please print it again and again.
When I was 17, I gave birth to a baby girl and put her up for adoption. I had no choice about it. I wanted her to have a good life. I always wanted to know my daughter and wanted her to know how much I loved her, so when she reached 18, I registered with ISRR. I faced a lot of criticism when I decided to let her find me.
Yesterday, she found me! It is the most wonderful, amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I've waited 33 years to know her and it was well worth the wait. She's beautiful inside and out, articulate and a college graduate. Never a day went by that her parents didn't let her know how loved she was.
When she walked in, she handed me a gift and said, "Happy Mother's Day." I have no other children and have waited all my life to hear those words. She had been searching for me since 1996, and had sent her registration to ISRR last week. At 4:30 Tuesday afternoon they called her and told her they had found her mother.
I'd like to offer a huge thank-you to the Websters for taking such good care of Laura Marie, and for guiding her and raising her. Her mother died last July of lung cancer, and I am heartbroken that I could not know her.
Another huge thank-you to International Soundex Reunion Registry. They made it all possible! To birth parents and adoptees: Register with Soundex. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Abby, please feel free to publish any or all of my letter, and our names. I want the world to know how happy we are. -- KATHLEEN KOEHLER, SANTA ANA, CALIF.
DEAR KATHLEEN AND LAURA MARIE: I'm pleased that your search ended so happily. It's gratifying to know I was able to help you find each other. Congratulations to you both.
The International Soundex Reunion Registry is a group I have recommended for many years. They are efficient, honest, and operate with the philosophy that neither the identity of the birth parents nor the adopted child shall be disclosed unless all parties are agreeable to a reunion. Birth parents and children can register, and when the children reach legal age -- if both parties are registered and want to find each other -- a match is made.
The address is: International Soundex Reunion Registry (ISRR), P.O. Box 2312, Carson City, Nev. 89702. Send a long (business size), stamped, self-addressed envelope to the registry and request Soundex forms.
DEAR ABBY: I am fuming! I heard it again today on the news -- I refer to the term "elderly." It went something like this:
"The elderly 63-year-old woman was able to give the police a description of her stolen automobile ..."
Abby, I am 69 years old and do not consider myself "elderly." Perhaps I don't walk as fast as I used to, but I still perform all my duties with enthusiasm and a clear mind. So I ask you, Abby, what age is "elderly"? -- JUST WONDERING IN CHICAGO HEIGHTS
DEAR WONDERING: My dictionary defines "elderly" as "being past middle age," a definition with which a growing number of people might disagree. I suspect that when many people use the term "elderly," what they really mean is "decrepit," which means "wasted and weakened by, or as if by, the infirmities of old age," which is no compliment.
Readers, please write and tell me how YOU would define "elderly."
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.