DEAR ABBY: My situation was similar to that of "Single Dad in San Diego," whose drug-addicted former girlfriend neglected their son. Sadly, a child can be seriously affected by the neglect or emotional abuse of an unhealthy parent. Children who grow up with a chemically dependent parent carry lasting scars into adulthood, resulting in problems with intimacy, low self-esteem, depression, drug or alcohol abuse and more.
Rather than waste time complaining about my wife's behavior and the unfairness of the situation, I put my energies into helping myself and my son. I attended meetings of Al-Anon Family Groups and learned that I didn't have to be a victim, even if I was powerless to change her behavior. Her shame and denial prevented her from acknowledging how her son was being hurt, and she resisted my efforts to get help for him. Fortunately, I didn't give up.
I took my son to Alateen, where he received powerful and positive messages about his own self-worth, which helped to counteract the negative messages he was receiving as a result of his mother's inattentiveness. I also sought professional counseling for him which dealt with the specific problems that children of chemically dependent or emotionally unstable parents face.
It wasn't easy to find an affordable counselor who was willing to see a client on weekends (the only time my son was with me), but my persistence paid off. I was able to find someone who was of invaluable help to my son. He has learned to love his mother while disliking the symptoms of her illness, and he's much better off today than he would have been had I wasted my energy pointing the finger at her and bemoaning my fate. -- GRATEFUL IN SYRACUSE, N.Y.
DEAR GRATEFUL: Your son is fortunate to have a father as committed to him as you are. Your letter could serve as a road map for other noncustodial fathers who are struggling with this not uncommon problem.