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MARRIAGE OF FIRST COUSINS FULFILLS LIFELONG ATTRACTION
DEAR ABBY: On May 8 last year, my girlfriend read me the article in your column signed "Kissing Cousins," asking in which states cousins could marry. You rattled off a list of them, and my jaw hit the table. My first cousin and I had adored each other our whole life, but had never spoken of it because we wrongly assumed it was forbidden by God and man. As it turns out, Jacob and Rachel, and many Biblical characters, were cousins, which was the preferred way to go in ancient and modern times.
Albert Einstein married his cousin, Elsa, which probably provided him inspiration for discovering the theory of "relativity."
The family of Ashley Wilkes, the man Scarlett O'Hara was always after, married their cousins in "Gone With the Wind," with no social stigma at all.
Two months after reading that article, my cousin and I were married, and the ecstasy of this marriage cannot be captured in words. You are responsible for it, Abby, and I wanted you to know. -- IN HEAVEN IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR IN HEAVEN: It's gratifying to know that something you saw in my column affected your life so profoundly. In many countries, marriage between first cousins is considered a perfect union. Healthy cousins may face a slightly elevated risk of genetic defects in their offspring because they are more likely to share a recessive gene than are most couples. But that can be dealt with through genetic counseling. I wish you continued success and happiness in your marriage.
DEAR ABBY: I was appalled at your answer to "Old-Fashioned and Glad of It." She was complaining that her son's wife did not cook. Why didn't you tell her that she should have taught her son how to cook?
Today boys need domestic survival skills as much as girls do. My 12-year-old son knows enough about cooking so he will never be dependent on someone else to serve him.
With more women working outside the home these days, it is unrealistic to expect the woman to have the master's dinner ready when he comes home. In our household, the person who has the most time cooks the meal, and does the laundry, vacuuming, etc. -- HAPPY WITH A '90S HOME LIFE
DEAR HAPPY: That letter stirred up a hornet's nest. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have a message for "Old-Fashioned and Glad of It," the woman who complained that her son's wife did not even know how to boil water: MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!
How her son and his wife live is their business. I had a mother-in-law who thought things should be done her way, and that women should be the workhorses. Needless to say, my husband and I are separated.
He moved back in with his mother 12 years ago and has remained there ever since. She's in her late 70s and still cooking him his wholesome meals, cleaning his room and doing his laundry. Her "baby boy" was 51 years old this year.
Maybe "Old-Fashioned's" daughter-in-law is saving her energy for things that are more important to her son than cooking. -- MODERN AND GLAD OF IT
Impatience With Kids' Injuries Casts Parents in Bad Light
DEAR ABBY: I am an orthopedic R.N. Depending on the season and the sport, I receive a lot of phone calls from parents. They usually consist of a dad asking if his little "Johnny" can get his cast off because "Johnny has to pitch in the big game tonight, and the team won't make it without him." Or, it might be a mom calling because "Suzie" has an audition for the ballet and she is in line to dance the lead. "She must have her cast off."
These parents need to get a clue that Johnny and Suzie aren't going to be able to pitch, dance, kick, hoist, twist, bend, etc. with a great deal of agility if they have been in a cast for six to eight weeks.
I have to fight the urge to say, "Mr. Smith, if you want to be the star pitcher so bad, do it yourself; don't do it vicariously through your son."
Abby, we aren't talking professional sports or even college-level sports here. We aren't even talking about those people with a scholarship riding on their participation. No, we're dealing with parents of Little Leaguers and amateur dance troupes.
A normal childhood means recovering from these fractures without pressure from Mom and Dad to perform. Since I can't say this to the parents coming into the clinic, I thought I'd say it this way. -- AN ORTHOPEDIC NURSE, PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR NURSE: You have spoken plainly, and I pray the parents who need to hear the message heed it. Parents must keep in perspective that the health of the child is more important than the temporary glory of a childhood event. Failure to do so can result in physical damage that can last a lifetime.
DEAR ABBY: I am the proud mother of a wonderful, "very cool," 15-year-old son. We learned recently that the parents of my son's best friend will no longer allow the boys to be together because they learned that we are a single-parent family. They have told their son that it is a bad thing and that my son will end up in trouble because of our circumstances. "Statistics prove it."
May I share my Mother's Day with you?
My day began the night before, with a simple-yet-special dinner cooked by my son, who paid for and brought the food home from the store on his bike. Mother's Day morning began with tiptoes to allow Mom to sleep a little longer while my son cooked a breakfast of eggs, warm pastries and hot coffee. Along with a sweet present, he also gave me the gift of a hard day's work to help me with projects I had wanted to tackle. The day ended happily with an evening together at home, with kisses and, "I love you, Mom" before bed.
I know there are reports of problem kids from single-parent families -- but, Abby, I know of many less-than-perfect children who come from two-parent families, particularly the older brother from the family mentioned above. We all know two-parent families where all members are miserable -- an intact marriage does not guarantee happiness. A happy family is just that ... happy. No matter what the size.
There are many wonderful children from single-parent families. Children should be judged by who they are, not by some ignorant generalization. I say "Bravo!" to all kids who make their parents proud -- especially mine. -- A HAPPIER FAMILY THAN MANY, DEL MAR, CALIF.
DEAR HAPPIER: It's unfortunate that your son was made a victim of discrimination for something over which he had no control. He appears to be both thoughtful and generous, qualities that most people value in a friend.
Having two parents can be advantageous, but it is no guarantee of success or excellence. One committed parent can be better than two who are so involved in their own problems they cannot concentrate on the kids.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: A woman I have known for some time recently moved back to town and we have run into each other on several occasions. We're both in our mid-20s and neither of us is involved with anyone right now.
A few years ago I began to develop feelings for her that I never had the courage to express. I don't remember when they started, but since her return I realize I still have them, and now when I am around her I can think of little else. I don't know if she thinks of me as any more than a friend.
I've been infatuated before, but I don't think what I've been feeling for these last few years is infatuation. I believe it is love. I want to tell her how I feel, but I fear damaging our friendship.
If I tell her and she does not share my feelings, I don't know how I will get past the awkwardness of seeing her in social situations in the future. Our social circle is tight, and chance meetings would be unavoidable if I want to keep my friends.
What do you think, Abby? Should I take a chance and tell her how I feel? I have everything to gain, but it looks like so much to lose. -- LOVESICK AND LOSING IT
DEAR LOVESICK: There is something that's in between ignoring your feelings and confessing all. It's called a date. Ask the young woman to have dinner with you. Take her to a restaurant where the noise level is low and you can talk. During dinner you'll have an opportunity to steer the conversation in a personal direction. Be attentive to her responses, and you'll come away with a good sense of where your relationship may or may not go. Good luck!
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter in your column signed "Sad Widow in Illinois," I had to respond.
My father died in 1965. My mother was devastated by his unexpected death and was inconsolable. The following May was their anniversary, and I wondered what I should do. Sending Mother a card might cause more sadness, but I just couldn't ignore that very special day.
A friend told me that when her mother's first anniversary had come up after her father's death, she and her siblings did not do anything by way of remembering it. Later, her mother made the remark, "You would think it never happened." And my friend said to me, "Send your mother a card."
So I did as "Sad Widow" suggested. I bought a "thinking of you" card and wrote a letter to my mother, expressing understanding that this was not a happy anniversary, but their marriage was still something to be celebrated.
My mother was deeply appreciative. She called it her "empty anniversary," and thanked me for remembering. My mother died nine days later.
Abby, please remind your readers to remember the surviving spouse on his or her wedding anniversary. It is still a meaningful occasion. -- GRATEFUL JEANNE
DEAR JEANNE: Thank you for your compassionate insight. I wholeheartedly agree with you.
DEAR ABBY: I hope it's not too late for me to respond to your question, "What is a great lover?"
Abby, there's no such thing as "a" great lover. They only come in pairs. -- JOHN WEHRLE, CHARLESTON, W.VA.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)