P.S. Readers who would like a professionally printed copy of "A Parent's Prayer" may obtain one by phoning Highlights for Children at 1 (800) 255-9517, Monday through Friday, 9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.(EDT).
New Moms Can Take to Heart Wise Advice for Rearing Kids
DEAR ABBY: Today, on Mother's Day, may I take this opportunity to extend congratulations and good wishes to my readers. For those of you who are just starting out on the adventure of motherhood, I would like to share a prayer that was written by the late Dr. Gary C. Myers, the founder of "Highlights for Children," a wholesome, educational monthly magazine. It summarizes beautifully what all of us need to remember.
A PARENT'S PRAYER
Oh, heavenly Father, make me a better parent. Help me to understand my children, to listen patiently to what they have to say and to answer all their questions kindly. Keep me from interrupting them, talking back to them and contradicting them. Make me as courteous to them as I would have them be to me. Give me the courage to confess my sins against my children and ask their forgiveness when I know that I have done wrong.
May I not vainly hurt the feelings of my children. Forbid that I should laugh at their mistakes, or resort to shame and ridicule as punishment. Let me not tempt a child to lie or steal. So guide me hour by hour that I may demonstrate by all I say and do that honesty produces happiness.
Reduce, I pray, the meanness in me. May I cease to nag, and when I am out of sorts, help me, Oh Lord, to hold my tongue. Blind me to the little errors of my children and help me to see the good things that they do. Give me a ready word for honest praise.
Help me to treat my children as those of their own age, but let me not exact of them the judgments and conventions of adults. Allow me not to rob them of the opportunity to wait upon themselves, to think, to choose, and to make their own decisions.
Forbid that I should ever punish them for my selfish satisfaction. May I grant them all their wishes that are reasonable and have the courage always to withhold a privilege which I know will do them harm.
Make me so fair and just, so considerate and companionable to my children that they will have genuine esteem for me. Fit me to be loved and imitated by my children. With all thy gifts, Oh God, do give me calmness and poise and self-control.
DEAR READERS: I am often asked the significance of wearing a red carnation on Mother's Day. A red carnation is worn to signify that one's mother is living. A white carnation signifies that one's mother is deceased.
There should also be an identifying flower worn by those mothers who chose motherhood by rearing a foster child or stepchild.
And a special place in heaven awaits those mothers who choose a physically or mentally challenged child, knowing that he or she has not only special needs but also requires a superabundance of love, understanding and patience.
CONFIDENTIAL TO ANYONE FOR WHOM IT IS NOT YET TOO LATE: The gestation period of a mother's advice is anywhere from one week to 50 years. Losing one's mother before having thanked her for the many precious things she taught you is one of life's greatest tragedies.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Struggles With Counting Dead Son Among the Living
DEAR ABBY: I am hoping you can help me with this delicate problem. Last year, our youngest son died. He was born with chromosome abnormalities, much like Down syndrome, though much rarer. We also have another son, who is 7.
Our dilemma: How do we respond when asked, "How many children do you have?" I always find this difficult to answer because I feel a necessity to include our youngest as our child, even though he has passed away. Some years ago, you responded to another reader who asked the very same question. Could you possibly print it again, as I feel it would be helpful not only to us, but also to others in the same situation. -- CATHY IN NORTH VANCOUVER, B.C.
DEAR CATHY: Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your precious son. When I was asked this question in April 1995, I responded that neglecting to mention a child (or children) lost in death would in no way diminish their importance, but unless the parents were prepared to answer the inevitable follow-up questions about the tragic loss, they should count only the living children when asked how many children they have.
I suspect that the letter to which you refer was one I printed six weeks later as a follow-up. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have never written to you before, but I had to write immediately when I read your answer to "Mourning in Fresno," whose 25-year-old son had died. She wondered what to say when people asked her how many children she had, and you suggested she count only the living one.
If "Mourning" had lost her only child, would your answer have been the same?
For her to say, "I have no children" would not only deny her son's life, it would also deny what she had been for half of her life -- a mother to that child.
A bereaved parent would feel guilty and disloyal failing to count the child who has died. "Mourning" would probably feel better if she replied, "I raised two sons." Then she could add a few remarks about her living son, steering the conversation in that direction. Eventually, she will feel more comfortable talking about the son who has died.
In the two years since our daughter's death, the wonderful people at the Compassionate Friends have helped us to face this question and many others.
I hope "Mourning" can find a chapter of this support group in her area. -- SANDEE MCALPINE, CINCINNATI
DEAR SANDEE MCALPINE: Please accept my condolences on the loss of your daughter. I received many letters from parents who share your views. Thank you for mentioning Compassionate Friends. They provide an invaluable service, and can be contacted by writing to P.O. Box 3696, Oak Brook, Ill. 60522-3696.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A student assigned to comment on "books that have helped me the most," replied, "My mother's cookbook and my father's checkbook."
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Generous Father Heads Up a Family Full of Ingrates
DEAR ABBY: Six years ago, my father buried his sister as she instructed in her will. Her son (my cousin) now complains to my father that there is no marker on his mother's grave.
As long as I can remember, my father's relatives have expected him to be the "godfather" to all of them. He buried his parents with no financial help from his eight brothers and sisters. He also paid for a lovely headstone for his grandparents' graves. His siblings complained that it wasn't fancy enough.
My father has paid for new cars, home repairs, etc., for this brother or that sister, but the only time they call him is to ask for more money. Most of them earn more than he does, but they blow their money on gambling or drinking.
My mother finally divorced Dad because his generosity has enabled his dysfunctional family to continue their wasteful ways. Father is in complete denial, but believe me, Mom was right. Dad made his wife and children do without, while never questioning his siblings' constant requests for money.
I say, if my drug-addicted cousin wants the Taj Mahal on his mother's grave, he should arrange for it and pay for it himself.
Despite my father's generosity to those who don't appreciate it, I still love him. I'm just fed up with relatives who have no conscience about spending the nest egg that was meant to take care of him in his retirement. Sign me ... TIRED OF BEING THE GODFATHER'S DAUGHTER
DEAR TIRED: Until your father finds the courage to say no to these moochers, they'll continue to regard him as a soft touch. I maintain: If someone takes advantage of you once, shame on him. If he takes advantage of you twice, shame on you.
I sympathize with your feelings, but it's your father's money and how he spends it is his decision. You can bet that he gets much gratification out of being the provider and the symbolic head of the family.
DEAR ABBY: My best friend "Sally" just called and told me that she had been visiting at her brother's house. While she was there, her sister-in-law showed her a "cute little trick" she had taught Sally's 2-year-old nephew. Abby, this sister-in-law is not exactly the family favorite. She handed him a lit cigarette, and he sucked in and blew out smoke! When Sally told her how disgusting that was, the boy's 4-year-old sister piped up, demanding her turn -- which she was given.
I told Sally to call child protective services, that this is child abuse. She refused because she's afraid that it will cause a family rift.
Abby, what can be done to help those kids? -- DISGUSTED IN VIRGINIA
DEAR DISGUSTED: If, after all the recent media attention focused on the addictive nature of tobacco, Sally's sister-in-law has not realized that encouraging her children to smoke is dangerous to their health, something must be wrong with her.
The family should be told about this woman's stupid and irresponsible behavior in the hope that family pressure will force her to stop. It is possible that what Sally observed was a one-time lapse in judgment. However, if it persists, I agree, child protective services should be notified.
DEAR ABBY: My best friend (I'll call her Jennifer) is getting married soon, and she is busy making her plans.
Jennifer's stepmother told her that the maid of honor and the bridesmaids must be unmarried virgins. Is this true?
This news has disturbed Jennifer because all the friends she has chosen to be in the wedding party are married. -- BRIDE'S BEST FRIEND, NEW JERSEY
DEAR BEST FRIEND: Jennifer's stepmother was either joking or she is misinformed. The bride chooses her best friends or closest relatives to be in her wedding party without regard to whether they are virgins or not. Marital and sexual status have nothing whatsoever to do with the honor of attending the bride.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)