What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Live in Couple Can't Expect Parents to Pay for Wedding
DEAR ABBY: I disagree with your harsh condemnation of "Disapproving Mother," who refused to celebrate her daughter's engagement because the daughter is living with her fiance.
I realize that it is difficult to address all considerations in the space of your column, but I wonder if you feel, as it appears, that the mother owes the daughter an elaborate wedding? If this girl is able to live on her own with her fiance, why should the mother be expected to pay for a wedding? The young couple is clearly able to attend to their needs, so why is it they can't take care of their own wedding?
I don't condemn this couple. If I knew them I would be happy to wish them well. However, I also wish the mother well, as she has been willing to stand up for her values in a world where there are few people willing to do so. -- THERESE D. BARRY, BEECH MOUNTAIN, N.C.
DEAR THERESE: Nowhere in her letter did the mother indicate that she had been asked to pay for the wedding or shower, nor did I tell her to do so. Paying the expenses of a wedding should be considered a gift, and not an obligation by the bride's parents.
I told the woman that her angry, punitive stance would isolate her from her daughter, her future son-in-law and grandchildren -- and she had everything to lose and nothing to gain.
DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Disapproving Mother" was that she should apologize to her daughter and her fiance. Baloney! The daughter, knowing how her parents would feel about her setup, should not expect them to pay for anything. The mother does not have to approve of their lifestyle. They have lived together for two years and plan to shack up for another year while calling this an engagement.
As for future grandchildren, I don't think "Disapproving Mother" has anything to worry about. They'll be dropping off their offspring for grandmother to baby-sit free of charge. "Disapproving Mother" should attend the wedding if invited, like any other guest. -- ARLENE JOHNSON, AVON LAKE, OHIO
DEAR ARLENE: I agree, the mother does not have to approve of their lifestyle. However, by refusing to give the young man permission to marry their daughter, they have reduced their chances of being asked to the wedding, and should the young man carry a grudge, they could well be cut off from any grandchildren.
DEAR ABBY: Maybe this daughter's plans will turn out well. But I would never call her mother insensitive or rigid, either. The daughter has shown her lack of respect for all the parents hold dear, so why should she want or need their help with her long overdue wedding? She has already set up housekeeping, so why have a shower? Since she and her friend have already consummated a marriage, who needs a fancy wedding? The money might be more helpful later.
The votes won't be in until the daughter's own children are old enough to do likewise. As the old-timers say, "What goes around comes around."
I suggest that what is now "modern practice" is not necessarily a right one. I cannot come down on this mother for what might prove to be the greater wisdom, in God's sight. -- VIVIAN B. BROWNING, DAMASCUS, MD.
DEAR VIVIAN AND READERS: Thank you for letting me know your strong feelings on this matter. Tomorrow, we'll hear from some of those who supported my thinking.
GRASSROOTS LITERACY PROJECT SPROUTS MANY NEW CHAPTERS
DEAR ABBY: I am the father you mentioned who loved reading aloud to my children so much that I started Rolling Readers. It is now California's largest nonprofit children's literacy organization. We were proud to see the letter from Miss Mary Ann detailing her joy as a volunteer reading to her "story children" each week, and the satisfaction she receives when she gives them new books three times a year during our "book giveaways."
The response from Dear Abby readers across the United States and Canada has been unbelievable. We have received more than 10,000 calls and letters from people who wish to volunteer, and individuals and groups who are eager to start a local chapter of Rolling Readers in their communities. Already chapters are forming in St. Louis, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Tampa, New York, Chicago, and dozens of smaller communities.
Reading aloud to youngsters is such a simple yet profound way to share our love of books and reading. Over the years we have been inspired by the quality of volunteers willing to spend an hour each week helping to create "reading and caring communities." They include socially conscious high school students, police detectives, judges, retirees and homemakers. They share our alarm that there is a crisis in our country.
For 30 years our society has grown increasingly less literate, with the biggest decline occurring in those needy children already struggling near the bottom. These Rolling Readers understand that this crisis needs to be solved in a typically American fashion -- individually, by thousands of concerned citizens willing to give of their time to make a difference in the lives of these children.
Abby, thank you for spreading this important message. We would also like to thank the thousands of your readers who have sent letters or called to volunteer. Together we are creating "reading and caring communities" across the country. After all, a love of children and a love of books go hand in hand. -- ROBERT CONDON, ROLLING READERS USA
DEAR MR. CONDON: I'm delighted that your worthwhile organization struck such a responsive chord with my readers. America's most precious resource is our children, and literacy is the first step in preparing them to lead productive lives. I wish you and your dedicated volunteers continued success in this important effort.
DEAR ABBY: Often, when my husband and I are in a conversation with another couple, something happens that really "bugs" me. The other couple both start talking at once, the woman to me and the man to my husband. It's impossible to listen to both and I have to choose.
Obviously, if I listen to the man I'll be rude to the woman. Sometimes I'm more interested in the conversation the man and my husband are having. What can I do? I feel like throwing up my hands and leaving the room. What could I say? -- FRUSTRATED IN CANADA
DEAR FRUSTRATED: The next time it happens, smile at the woman and say, "Just a moment, if you don't mind; I'd like to hear this ..."
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY IRISH FRIENDS: On this St. Patrick's Day, may I extend this Irish blessing to you:
May you never forget
What is worth remembering
Or remember what is best forgotten.
P.S. Have a joyous St. Patrick's Day. If you're drinking, don't drive. And if you're driving, don't drink.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
SENIORS TAKING MANY DRUGS MAY BE AT RISK FOR ADDICTION
DEAR ABBY: My mother is a drug addict. Now, before you picture a swinging party animal, you need to know that she is 80 years old.
Mother is addicted to narcotics prescribed by a specialist in geriatric medicine. The drugs are not very effective in reducing her aches and pains (she says), so she takes more than the prescribed dosage. As this point, I'm not sure when she is truly in pain or just needs "a fix."
Her friends try to help by giving her some of their prescription drugs, so she's combining pills with no knowledge of the hazardous side effects and the danger of overdose. Her doctor is not aware of the amount of drugs my mother is taking.
Abby, I am hearing more and more about elderly people being overmedicated by their doctors, and I am appalled! Senior citizens must be monitored carefully. Some have heart problems, high or low blood pressure, or other serious ailments. They can also have failing memories and may become confused. Consequently, they may take their medications more often and in higher dosages than prescribed. Their equilibrium can be affected, causing falls that produce bruises, broken bones and gashes requiring more pain medication. My mother has already fallen several times.
I don't know what I can do to help her. She's too stubborn to listen to me or change her ways. Abby, it would be a kindness on your part to print this letter as a warning to those who are beginning to fall into this vicious trap.
There is too much pill-taking in this country, legal and illegal. We don't seem to be winning the war on illegal drugs, but perhaps we can do something about the overuse of legal ones, especially by our elders who depend on us to care for them in their "golden" years. -- CONCERNED DAUGHTER
DEAR CONCERNED DAUGHTER: Take it upon yourself to inform your mother's doctor that she has increased dosages on her own and that she's trading medication with others. Her welfare could depend on it.
Insist that she make an appointment with her doctor immediately. Brown-bag all her medications, including over-the-counter drugs, and accompany her to the appointment so both you and she can discuss with the doctor drug interactions and potential dangers from overmedication. Since organs become less efficient at ridding the body of toxins as one ages, a dosage that is appropriate at age 65 or 70 may be too strong at 80.
I was surprised to learn that while citizens over 65 constitute less than 13 percent of our population, they consume roughly one-third of prescription medications. It is estimated that, on average, a senior citizen will fill 15 new prescriptions a year. The potential for becoming addicted is frightening.
It is difficult to know how many seniors abuse medications because many see a number of doctors for a variety of problems, and sometimes fill prescriptions at several pharmacies. Addicted seniors are rarely questioned because we commonly think of "addicts" as younger people who buy their drugs on the street -- not elderly people filling prescriptions at pharmacies.
Geriatric specialists are beginning to explore drug addiction problems among seniors. However, it's important for family members to consider this possibility if their parents or older relatives begin to display symptoms of confusion, depression or changes in behavior, so that doctors and pharmacists can review medical records with an eye toward heading off potential addiction before it can become a destructive "habit."
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)