For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Bitter Love Triangle Divides Friends as Well as Spouses
DEAR ABBY: This is a common situation, so you must have covered it before. However, I don't recall seeing it recently.
"Jane" and "John" were married for a number of years and had teen-aged children. "Mary," John's childhood sweetheart, already divorced from an alcoholic husband, came on the scene. John divorced Jane and married Mary.
Many of Jane's friends despise Mary and feel that she "stole" Jane's husband. We are fond of John and both Jane and Mary. We feel that regardless of who made the first call, John must have been unhappy in his marriage, or nothing would have happened. We don't think anyone can "steal" someone's spouse. Besides, it was John who filed for divorce, and if Jane's friends are mad at anyone, it should be him and not Mary.
Obviously, when Jane spreads the fiction about her husband being "stolen," she is compensating for her inability to hold onto her husband.
Abby, I think a lot of folks would be interested in your viewpoint. -- FRIEND OF ALL THREE
DEAR FRIEND: I agree, nobody can "steal" anyone's spouse, but in this case, the woman let the object of her affection know that she was interested and available, which was sufficient to get an affair going. And in the presence of such blatant temptation, it can be very difficult to preserve a marriage -- so don't be too hard on Jane.
DEAR ABBY: How do you deal with relatives who have pets that are treated just like people? I have two sets of family members who own dogs. One has three and the other has one, and they treat their dogs as though they are members of the family. I like dogs, but I'm not a "dog person." I don't think it's cute when their dog climbs on my furniture or begs at the dinner table.
When they visit me, they not only allow their dogs on my furniture, they actually let the dog sleep in bed with them underneath the covers.
These relatives were visiting recently, and we were having a nice family dinner when their dog came to the table, put her front paws on the table and her nose in my plate. The owner remarked, "She's just curious about what's going on." He didn't tell the dog to get down.
I have a small baby, and the dog was very curious about her. I think a dog licking a baby's mouth and face is disgusting. When the dog came over to investigate my baby, I felt uncomfortable pushing it away, since it's not my dog. The owner didn't do a thing. When the dog licked my baby's mouth, she simply said, "She's just curious about what's going on." Abby, I thought I'd die!
I don't feel comfortable reprimanding someone else's dog, especially one they think is a human, but what should I do when the owners give these animals no discipline?
What people do in their own homes with their pets is their business, and if I happen to be visiting them, I will bite my tongue and deal with the dogs at the dinner table and on the furniture. But when someone comes to my home, I would like some respect for my property, and I certainly do not want dogs near my baby. Am I being selfish? -- DOGGED OUT IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR DOGGED OUT: Selfish? No. A wimp? Yes!
'Big Apple' Traces Its History to Racetrack in New Orleans
DEAR ABBY: I can help out your reader who asked why New York City is called "the Big Apple."
Attorney/word sleuth Barry Popick spotted two 1920s articles which clarify that John J. FitzGerald, racing editor for the New York Morning Telegraph -- a leading horse-racing newspaper of the day that later became the Daily Racing Form -- heard "the big apple" mentioned in a conversation between two African-American stable hands in New Orleans (January 1920). The term referred to the New York City racetracks as the big time in horse racing.
FitzGerald picked up the term and popularized it in his newspaper, still in reference to the NYC racetracks.
In the 1930s, black jazz musicians then applied the term to Harlem specifically, and New York City in general, as the big time in jazz.
In 1971, Charles Gillett, president of the New York Convention and Visitors Bureau, revived the term as part of a public relations campaign on behalf of New York City. He readily acknowledged deriving "the Big Apple" from the 1930s jazz scene.
The term itself goes back ultimately to the big red Delicious apples developed in Iowa in the 1870s. They were regarded as something extra-special. And for jockeys active in the "bushes," the New York City tracks represented the big time, the big treat they looked forward to, i.e., "the big apple." -- GERALD COHEN, PROFESSOR OF FOREIGN LANGUAGES, UNIVERSITY OF MISSOURI-ROLLA
P.S. I am the former president of the American Name Society. Your 1988 column on "the Big Apple" was the stimulus that led to my research on the term: a book (1991) and two updates.
DEAR PROFESSOR COHEN: Thanks for straightening this out. I heard from several readers offering varied explanations about the origin of the nickname for New York City. Helen Tovey of Summerville, S.C., described a Harlem nightclub called the Big Apple that she had seen in 1936 and which had a big red apple over the entrance. She included a Roxy Theater program, dated Sept. 3, 1937, in which was featured a new dance called "The Big Apple -- introduced by the contest winners from the colleges of North and South Carolina."
I also heard from Barry Popick, author of the article on the Big Apple published in the January/February issue of Irish America magazine, which is fitting since the name was popularized by an Irishman. Mr. Popick related that on Jan. 29, he appeared before the New York City Council in support of a permanent "Big Apple Corner" street sign at West 54th Street and Broadway, John J. FitzGerald's address for the last 30 years of his life. (The measure was approved.)
If anybody has any information about Mr. FitzGerald, Mr. Popick can be contacted at bapopik(at)aol.com. Mr. Popick also mentioned that my original 1988 "Big Apple" column was what got everything started. Howda ya like them apples!
DEAR ABBY: In response to the English teacher in San Francisco who would like to have "frank talks" with her students regarding sex, but is afraid to lose her job. Good! She is an English teacher, not a biology/science or sex education instructor. She should stick to what she is employed to teach. -- BRIAN CHIEDO, DALLAS
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
It's Never Too Late to Tell for Victims of Sexual Abuse
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about a recent letter signed "No Justice Served in California." I am a police lieutenant who has been involved in the investigation of child molesters for the past 10 years, and I want you and your readers to know the following about child molesters:
Research, literature in the field and my personal experience have shown that child molesters usually commit many sex crimes involving many victims. Unlike other crimes, delayed disclosure of sexual abuse is the rule -- not the exception. It is common for victims to wait weeks, months or even years before disclosing their abuse. Many states provide for this in their laws that cover statutes of limitations (how long after the crime is committed the offender can be prosecuted).
In Texas, offenders can usually be prosecuted for child sexual abuse for a period of 10 years after the crime is committed, unless they leave the state during that 10-year period. In that instance, the time the offender is absent from the state does not count against the 10-year limit. A few years ago, I was involved in the successful prosecution of a father who molested his daughter when she was a teen-ager. She was married and a law student when she finally disclosed the abuse, 12 years after it happened.
Please tell victims of sexual abuse that it is never too late to tell. The criminal justice system must make every attempt to bring these offenders to justice, no matter how much time has passed. -- LT. BILL WALSH, DALLAS POLICE DEPARTMENT
DEAR LT. WALSH: Thank you for an important letter. All too often victims of sexual abuse are reluctant to speak up because they are frightened or blame themselves for what happened. They are unable to acknowledge that an adult would willfully hurt them, and assume the responsibility for their abuse, which leaves them afraid, ashamed and psychologically isolated. Disclosing the abuse and identifying the perpetrator can be a critical step in the healing process of the victim.
DEAR ABBY: I am a person with a handicap and have recently noticed a trend in theaters that pleases me. Two seats are provided in the back of the theater so that people in wheelchairs and their loved one or friend can attend the movies and sit together.
Unfortunately, sometimes these seats are occupied by able-bodied people. When I have asked someone to give up the seat so my wife and I could sit together, I was refused. This has probably happened to other people, too.
Abby, please advise your readers that these seats are meant to accommodate people in wheelchairs, and able-bodied people should not occupy them. And while you're at it, please thank those theater owners who thoughtfully provide seating for people with disabilities. -- MIKE A. BURK, TERRE HAUTE, IND.
DEAR MIKE: If the seats are clearly marked so that patrons know the purpose of the short row, able-bodied people should sit elsewhere. If the area is not marked, speak with the theater manager about marking them as "Reserved for people with disabilities."
Should you have trouble with a patron refusing to move, talk to the usher.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)