For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Moviegoer's Plea to Parents: Leave Small Children at Home
DEAR ABBY: Why do people with small children feel it is necessary to take these children with them when they go to the movies? I went to four R-rated, action-packed movies last summer, and in three of them there were parents with crying children.
I see the same thing every time I go to the movies. Don't these parents know that their children are not going to enjoy the movie? Why should they? They are sitting in a dark, strange place with many strangers they can't see, there is nothing for them to play with, and there are loud, strange noises all around them.
Here is my message to parents: If your child is under the age of 2, he or she is not going to enjoy a movie no matter what the rating is. If your child is under the age of 6, he or she should not be going to anything over a PG rating. Make the cost of the baby sitter part of the cost for an evening out. Most sitters will charge only $3 or $4 per hour for a small child.
If you can't afford a baby sitter, stay home and rent a movie. It's better for you, better for your child, and for all of us sitting in the theater. -- IRRITATED IN TEXAS
DEAR IRRITATED: I'm printing your "message," but let's be realistic: Parents who bring infants and small children to the movies often do it because they can't afford a sitter. There's no law against it. However, when a child creates a disturbance, good sense and good manners dictate that it be taken outside so it's not a distraction to others. But if it's not, the manager of the theater should be notified so he (or she) can quell the disturbance.
DEAR ABBY: My son's wedding went an infuriating step beyond the standard non-reply to an RSVP. When many self-addressed, stamped responses to the reception were not received by a reasonable length of time, I called some non-respondents from our immediate family. Since my son and his fiancee were committed to pay a considerable amount of money for each dinner at the country club -- in advance -- it was important that the number of guests be accurate.
I telephoned each invited guest and almost all assured me that they would be attending, several with children -- one family totaling five.
However, on the happy day, there were an inexcusable number of "no-shows" who hadn't even bothered to call at the last minute with an excuse. Consequently, the bridal couple had to pay for a lot of thoughtless relatives who had accepted when they should have been honest and said, "If we don't have anything better to do, we'll be there." -- FED UP WITH RELATIVES
DEAR FED UP: Believe it or not, some people do not know that "R.S.V.P." means "Please respond" in French.
WORTH QUOTING: Clarence Darrow, world-famous American lawyer in the 1900s who earned a wide reputation as a brilliant criminal defense attorney, said: "The trouble with the law is lawyers."
Donations in Couple's Name Create Uncharitable Thoughts
DEAR ABBY: Is there a kind and tactful way to tell a distant relative to stop making donations to his favorite charities in our names? He's a very nice man and we know he means well. Obviously, he has the right to donate to any organization he wants, but he should do it in his own name -- not ours.
People who perform this act of kindness may not realize the uneasy position in which they place "fake donors." We feel hypocritical for the beneficiaries thinking we did the good deed, when the money didn't come from us.
Another undesirable side effect of vicarious giving is the glut of requests and junk mail that hound us for months (or years) after the donation. We have our own preferred charities and do not wish to receive requests from organizations we do not support, however worthwhile they may be.
On one occasion when a family member died, a self-appointed philanthropist made a very generous donation to his favorite charity in memory of the deceased, and indicated it came from us. Abby, you can imagine our embarrassment and discomfort when his widow thanked us heartily for our generous gift.
Perhaps a comment in your column to people who give this kind of gift, suggesting that they first ask the donors if they would like to have their names on a donation, would help to curb this practice. Some people may not want to be identified with a particular organization. And I'm sure even fewer will want the junk mail that follows.
Thank you for any suggestions you and your readers might offer. -- NO NAME OR LOCATION, PLEASE
DEAR NO NAME: Tell your relative that you are being inundated with pleas from charities to which he has donated in your name. Stress that you would prefer that he make donations to charities which YOU support. (That should put a stop to it!) Also, advise the charities that are soliciting you that you want your name removed from their donor lists.
The reason that many people make charitable donations as "gifts" is that such donations are tax-deductible for the giver who has written the check.
DEAR ABBY: This has been bothering me for quite a while. Either I am being too sensitive, or my relatives are totally insensitive. I'll let you decide:
My husband and I recently adopted a child, and so far none of my relatives have acknowledged the child's arrival. However, a few years ago when we had our first child, gifts were brought and cards were sent. I know that the second, third and fourth children of other family members have been acknowledged, so it's not that this is our second child and nothing should be done.
It's not that I am looking for gifts, but a card would have been nice. Do they feel that just because this child is adopted or older that it isn't necessary to do anything? Maybe someday they'll realize the hurt they caused by their failure to acknowledge this child's arrival.
Meanwhile, my mother-in-law buys gifts for all of her sister's, brother's and in-law's many grandchildren. Abby, is this what should be expected when you adopt a child? -- HEARTBROKEN
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Did you send announcements that were ignored? When the adoption was official, did you have a small family gathering to introduce your relatives to the newest member of the family? If you did and this blessed event was ignored, then your relatives are ignorant of the social graces and do not realize that the arrival of a child -- by birth or adoption -- is an occasion to be acknowledged and celebrated, and shame on them.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Deception Should Play No Part in Couple's Choice of Church
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem and need your advice. My husband wants me to lie to his parents, and I would feel uncomfortable in this lie. He says this "white" lie is necessary if we are to maintain a harmonious relationship with them. We don't see them often, so perpetuating the lie would not be too difficult, but I feel guilty about it just the same, and I wonder if the web of deceit we are weaving will entangle us one day.
We have been attending a church that is not the same faith as my in-laws. If they knew it, they would be very hurt -- especially since they want their grandchildren to grow up in their faith.
Both churches are Christian churches, and there are more similarities than differences. Because of these similarities, I think my in-laws would get over our attending this church if they knew; my husband disagrees.
I like this church, especially the programs for our children. My husband, however, feels a loyalty to the religion in which he was raised. Because of this ambiguity, he does not want to tell his parents because they might believe he has abandoned his faith, which would not be entirely true.
Abby, do you think it would be OK to tell a lie if it prevents hurt feelings and friction within the family? My husband thinks so. -- ANYTOWN, U.S.A.
DEAR ANYTOWN: You and your husband are adults and should not feel it is necessary to lie to his parents for any reason. "Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive!" (Sir Walter Scott)
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I recently bought a house together. We share all the cooking and cleaning. Prior to "us," he was living with a girl for 10 years, and I was married for 15 years.
His former girlfriend was completely domestic, and I'm totally the opposite. I'm a successful small-business owner with a very busy schedule.
Recently he asked me to hem a pair of his work pants. I said that I'd have my seamstress do it, but it would cost $5. He refused to pay for it, saying his former girlfriend would be more than happy to do it for nothing.
I am furious! I'd rather pay $100 than allow her to think she's taking care of my man's needs. He refuses to fight over this and is ordering a new pair of pants. What should I do? -- SUZIE IN CANADA
DEAR SUZIE: When the new pants arrive, if they solve the problem -- give him a hug. However, if they don't solve the problem, don't needle him. Since sewing is not one of your many talents, when the new pants arrive, quietly take them to your seamstress. Five dollars is a small price to pay to let sleeping dogs lie.
DEAR ABBY: I hope "A True Friend" reconsiders trying to help her friend who wears heavy makeup by telling her about it "for her own good."
I have an attractive, intelligent friend who also wears very heavy makeup. I had often wondered why she didn't realize that the shade was too dark and was applied a little too thick, but thank God, I was never so bold as to mention it to her.
One afternoon I went to her home unannounced, and she came to the door without makeup. Much to my surprise, she had a bright-red port-wine birthmark that covered half her face.
Abby, instead of suggesting that they go together for a professional makeup to learn the "latest tricks," your suggestion to accept her for the inner qualities that make her special would have been sufficient ... and is darn good advice for all of us. -- A TRUE FRIEND, TOO
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)