To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a Chinese-American from Taiwan. I have a college education and have lived in San Francisco for 10 years.
My friends "Arthur" and "Larry" are a Japanese-American couple who have lived in a deluxe mansion for 22 years. One day, they invited "Ron" and me for a homemade dinner. At the last minute I brought along "Richard" without calling them for permission. Arthur was angry when he saw that I brought an extra guest and said to me in the kitchen, "It is very rude to bring a guest with no advance notice. Didn't your mother teach you any manners?"
All I could say was, "Sorry, sorry!"
He refused to cook the meal and left the house in a huff. Larry entertained us and said to me, "I don't mind the extra guest."
In my family, my mother always welcomed extra guests by saying, "Don't worry -- all we need is to provide one more pair of chopsticks for the guest."
The next day, Larry informed me that Arthur had decided to punish me by not talking to me for three months. He bought me a book on etiquette by Emily and Elizabeth L. Post.
Abby, was my innocent mistake really that terrible, or did Arthur overreact? What should I do after the three-month punishment? Beg him for forgiveness, or end the friendship? -- WONDERING IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR WONDERING: Although it's considered bad manners to bring an uninvited guest to a dinner party without first asking permission from the host, it is far worse manners for a host to refuse to cook the dinner and walk out!
Yes, indeed, Arthur overreacted. He owes all of you an apology. However, what you do following the three-month silence depends entirely upon how much you value the relationship with this couple.
DEAR ABBY: I have never written to you before, but I felt compelled to do so after reading the letter from "Not Guilty by Association," the daughter of the racist father.
I want to applaud this young lady for her courage and strength in refusing to allow her father's misguided beliefs to infect her life. She is probably not aware of the fact that she has broken a link in the chain of racist hate. Racism is taught, not inherited. The only way we will ever eliminate this deadly infection, which is a crime against all mankind, is through teaching our children that it is wrong to hate anyone based on skin color, race or religious beliefs.
I want this young lady to know that she, herself, is a victory in the battle against this infection. Because she chose not to follow her father and become a link in the racist chain, her children will be raised to see individuals for who they are, and not for any external reasons.
Although you face a very difficult situation, "Not Guilty," please know that many people stand behind you and wish you God's blessing. Your personal fight against racism is a fight for all who want to rid the world of this deadly infection. -- MICKEY CASE, FALLBROOK, CALIF.
DEAR MICKEY: I'm pleased to pass along your message of support. Ultimately, we must all be judged by what we stand for, and not the thoughts and deeds of our parents.
DEAR ABBY: I am a grandmother and I watch my two grandchildren every day while their mothers work. The boy is 5, the girl is 4.
My two daughters do a lot of children's activities in the evenings and on the weekends. The cousins are close. They don't fight, and they really love each other.
The girl's mother includes the boy in every special thing they do -- pizza, fishing, swimming, etc.
The boy says when he and his mother do things, he wants to be alone and he does not want his cousin included. His mother coddles him and tells him it's OK to want to be alone. She tells him to not mention when he's going to the beach, etc., so they will not have to take the little girl along.
I think she is demonstrating to her son how to be secretive and manipulative. I also think it's cruel. Of course, my daughter does not agree. I see disaster ahead. Please advise. -- CONCERNED GRANDMOTHER IN PORTLAND
DEAR CONCERNED GRANDMOTHER: This situation is not a question of all or nothing. Since you watch the children during the day, their time with their mothers is limited, and therefore I see no reason why they shouldn't each spend one-on-one time with their mothers for special outings. There should be no need for secrecy about it.
DEAR ABBY: As one of nearly 8,000 optometrists who volunteer our services through VISION USA, I have seen what an amazing difference eye care can make.
Last year, one of my VISION USA patients arrived with her glasses taped together so the lenses wouldn't fall out. The prescription was no longer appropriate for her, but she told me, "They are better than nothing." When I prescribed two pairs of glasses for her at no charge -- one for distance and the other for computer work, which she needed for her job -- she cried with joy.
In the last seven years, VISION USA has helped approximately 220,000 children and adults from low-income working families. Many had eye health problems that interfered with their ability to work or go to school.
Abby, the 1998 VISION USA program is getting under way again, and I hope you will alert your readers to the opportunity for low-income working families to obtain free eye care.-- ANDREA P. THAU, O.D., NEW YORK CITY
DEAR DR. THAU: I'm pleased to alert my readers once again to this worthwhile effort by the American Optometric Association.
To qualify for free eye care in the VISION USA program, individuals must have a job or live in a household where there is one working member; have no health insurance that covers eye examinations; have an income below an established level based on household size; and have had no eye examination within the last two years. (Eligibility requirements may vary in some states.)
From Jan. 2 to Jan. 30, 1998, low-income working people and their families can be screened for eligibility for VISION USA by calling 1-800-766-4466. Phone lines will be open weekdays from 7 a.m. to 9 p.m. (Central Standard Time). Because phone lines are sometimes very busy, it may be easier to apply by mail. Application forms are available from: VISION USA , 243 N. Lindbergh Blvd., St.Louis, Mo. 63141. Completed forms must be postmarked by Jan. 23.
The comprehensive eye exams will be given in optometrists' private offices in March, coinciding with the celebrating of Save Your Vision Week, March 1 to March 7.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
KINDNESS OF STRANGERS CREATES A CHRISTMAS TO REMEMBER STILL
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the letter you printed from Calvin S. Holm, Thiensville, Wis., referring to people who succeed in spite of the fact their parents could not afford to help them with finances for schooling or much of anything else. I, too, was a Great Depression child. I have a true story that I hope you will print in order to pass along the message that help is out there if you pray and hope:
MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS
It was December 1932. In those days, $1 was a lot of money, and $5 was a fortune. We lived on a farm in the Colorado Rockies, 5 1/2 miles north of a small village called Divide.
The town consisted of a combination post office, general store, filling station, and an upstairs residence for the owner's family. There was one other filling station, perhaps five or six houses, a schoolhouse, and a community hall where neighborhood meetings, country dances, etc. were held.
The schoolhouse was a two-room building with two teachers. One room was for grades one through five; the other was for grades six through 10. There was a barn where we could tie up our horses, with a feed box in each stall for a lunchtime oats snack for the horse. There was also a watering trough nearby.
I rode horseback to school every day, with my kid brother on the back of the saddle. It was cold at times.
Christmas was coming and things looked very bleak. I knew there was a benevolent organization in Colorado Springs called the "Mrs. Santa Claus Club" that gave warm clothes to poor people. So I stole a penny postcard from my mother's stationery (yes, a prepaid postcard cost 1 cent at the time). I addressed it to the Mrs. Santa Claus Club and told them about our cold horseback rides to school. I asked if they had any warm clothes, shirts, pants or jackets for my 6-year-old brother or me. I told them I was 9, and said if they happened to have some toys for my 1-year-old baby brother, they would be very much appreciated.
The day before Christmas, we got a notice from the post office that there was a large box addressed to me. Dad picked it up. It was from the Mrs. Santa Claus Club. When we opened it, I could not believe what was inside: warm jackets, pants, shirts, underwear -- all the right size for me and/or my kid brother. There were also small blankets for my baby brother, and to top it off, toys for each of us.
My parents were elated, and my mother forgave me for stealing the postcard. She said, "I think God knew what he was doing."
In addition, the two teachers at school had procured, at their own expense, a present for each kid in the school: a pair of lace-up boots for each boy, and a pair of fur-lined overshoes for each girl.
So, Abby, that's the story of the best Christmas I can remember -- thanks to a very benevolent group of people and two generous schoolteachers. -- RETIRED ENGINEER, KIRKLAND, WASH.
DEAR RETIRED ENGINEER: I couldn't get your letter in before Christmas, but thought my readers would enjoy it even a few days later. Thank you for sharing your touching story, and for the reminder that most of us can make the holidays a little brighter if we choose to. Since sometimes their parents are unable to do so, many children depend on it.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)