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Family Bonds Do Not Have to Break After Bitter Divorce
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Minneapolis Reader," whose divorced brother did not want her to have contact with his ex-wife and therefore his children, touched me. I have been in that very same situation.
My husband's brother, "Albert," insisted that we not allow our children to spend time with his children when they were with their mother. Since they lived with their mother, there was little chance for contact. Like a fool, with much hesitation, I complied with my husband's demand that we yield to Albert's request.
I kept my daughters from their cousins' house on their first invitation to sleep over. That was the last time they were invited, and I have regretted it ever since. How cruel to punish my girls for a selfish, self-centered brother-in-law. The girls and their cousins loved each other. They had a right, as relatives, to continue the bond that was established when the adults were married.
Tell "Minneapolis Reader" to do the right thing even if no one agrees. Her brother should grow up, live with the choices he has made in his life, and not make his children suffer because of them. -- GROWN-UP IN LOUISIANA
DEAR GROWN-UP: I have said this many times, but it bears repeating: Children need family ties and stability in their lives. This is particularly true when divorce separates their parents. Read on for an example that demonstrates my point:
DEAR ABBY: More than 25 years ago, my parents divorced. It was the greatest tragedy my family has ever experienced. Because they have never been able to put their bitterness aside, we relive the pain on every holiday, birthday and special occasion. One of them has been absent from all of our graduations, weddings, children's births, etc., because the ex-spouse may be present. I cannot begin to describe the disappointment of my college graduation and my wedding due to the absence of one of my parents.
Their anger and bitterness has affected all of us children in many ways. We struggle with depression, poor relationship choices and low self-esteem -- all remnants of a childhood made difficult by divorce.
Divorcing couples and their families must understand that while the divorce is an end to the marriage, it can be a life sentence for the children. Children should never be expected to play favorites or choose sides, nor should the other family members of the divorcing couple.
To the brother of "Minneapolis Reader": Do your children and your family a favor -- KEEP THE PEACE. No matter how acrimonious the split, clinging to the bitterness and robbing your children of part of their family is not the answer.
I'm signing my name, but because I speak for many "divorced children," please sign me ... DIVORCE SURVIVOR
DEAR ABBY: I just hung up after calling our former son-in-law to wish him happiness and good luck on his wedding day tomorrow. Oh, how it hurts! We love him, and have loved him, since he came into our family almost 30 years ago. Our daughter has never wanted us to hate him. She doesn't. They had a friendly divorce (sometimes the hardest kind to understand), so we were not betraying her by calling him.
Abby, I just wanted to write to you to put in a good word for loving in-laws. I know that children are the victims of divorce, and that they must learn to accept the decisions of their parents. But on the other hand, we, as parents, must accept the decisions of our children, and silently mourn the loss of someone we love and years of family memories. We, too, are victims. Thank you for listening. -- HEALING TOO SLOWLY IN ILLINOIS
DEAR HEALING: You appear to be a caring and sensitive woman. Perhaps it will speed your healing to keep uppermost in mind that neither your daughter nor your former son-in-law seems to regret the decision to go their separate ways.
I am reminded of the famous line from Reinhold Niebuhr's "The Serenity Prayer": "God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."
DEAR ABBY: I give private music lessons in my home. Most of my students are children who come with their parents and other siblings. Increasingly, I am finding these people's manners to be appalling. The children are allowed to explore every part of my home while their parents sit and do nothing. I end up having to interrupt the lessons while I find "Junior," usually in some private part of my home. I've even had parents disappear into my kitchen, and I can hear them in my cupboards and refrigerator!
Even though I don't have the most expensive furniture, I do not want shoes on my couch or open drinks on my table. Not even my yard, flowers, wind chimes or birdbath is safe from these invaders. Having a private lesson -- music, art or whatever -- should be considered a privilege and an honor. It is certainly preferable to a noisy music store or art studio. Maybe if a few people read this, they will wake up and realize that their actions do matter. -- MUSIC TEACHER, WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR MUSIC TEACHER: When you are conducting lessons, your home is your office. It is up to you to set boundaries. The parts of your home you wish to keep private should be closed off. Post signs reminding visitors to refrain from touching, not entering, etc. Provide a comfortable seating area with reading material and/or toys for the siblings -- and stick to your guns.
DEAR ABBY: My mother and father divorced about 10 years ago, after almost 30 years of marriage. The divorce was nasty and painful for everyone involved. There are still unresolved issues and bad feelings.
My mother and my father's mother were very close until the divorce. After that, my mother no longer felt she belonged in the family. They have sent each other occasional birthday cards and have seen each other about three times over the last 10 years.
My paternal grandmother is now in her late 80s, and although she is still in fairly good health, one never knows when her time will come. My question: Should my mother attend the funeral even though my father will be there with his girlfriend? -- STUCK IN THE MIDDLE IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR STUCK: Bearing in mind that your grandmother may have many good years ahead of her, the decision is entirely your mother's. If she feels like attending the funeral and paying her respects (when the time comes), there's no reason why she shouldn't.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Have a joyous Kwanzaa.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
GOOD WORD GOES A LONG WAY FOR BOTH STUDENTS AND TEACHER
DEAR ABBY: I have been retired from teaching for many years, and would like to share a lesson I learned that stands out in my memory like no other:
I was young and teaching math at the junior high school level. We had worked hard on a new concept all week, and the students were very stressed. They were frowning, frustrated and carping at each other and me. Wanting to stop the crankiness before it got out of hand, I asked the students to take out two sheets of paper, and list the names of the other students in the room, leaving a space between each name. Then I told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates, and write it down. It took the remainder of the class period to finish the assignment. When the students handed me the papers and left, they seemed more relaxed.
That weekend, I wrote the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper and listed what the students had said about that individual. On Monday, I gave each student his or her list. Before long, everyone was smiling. "Really?" I heard one whisper. "I never knew that meant anything to anyone." "I didn't know anyone liked me that much!"
The assignment was never mentioned again, but it didn't matter, because the exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students felt better about themselves and each other.
Years later, I was asked to attend the funeral of one of those students, a promising young man even when I taught him in junior high school. I was deeply saddened by his untimely death in Vietnam.
The church was packed with "Mark's" friends, many of whom had been his classmates and students of mine. After the funeral, I and many of Mark's former classmates were invited to his parents' house. They approached me and said, "We want to show you something. Mark was carrying this when he was killed." His father pulled something from a wallet. It was the list of all the good things Mark's classmates had said about him. "Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it."
A group of Mark's classmates overheard the exchange. One smiled sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in my top desk drawer at home." Another said, "I have mine, too. It's in my diary." "I put mine in our wedding album," said a third. "I bet we all saved them," said a fourth. "I carry mine with me at all times. I think we all saved our lists!"
That's when I finally sat down and cried. The lesson my former students taught me that day became a standard in every class I taught for the rest of my teaching career. -- SISTER H.P.M., ST. PAUL, MINN.
DEAR SISTER H.P.M.: Your students were fortunate, indeed. They learned at an early age that "Good words are worth much, and cost little." (George Herbert, 1593-1633)
DEAR ABBY: The letter about the boob who always "accidentally" finished other people's stories reminded me of a story about my grandfather and his daughter, Ethel.
Grandpa was a kind and loving gentleman from the hills of northeast Missouri. His education was limited, but he had a good heart. Ethel graduated from high school and was hired immediately as a teacher.
She had an annoying habit of constantly correcting Grandpa's grammar. One day in exasperation, Grandpa announced, "Ethel, I am about to speak. What should I say?"
I never heard the follow-up, but I assume that took a little wind out of Aunt Ethel's sails. -- BILL IN LOS ANGELES
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