Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
EQUAL PARTNERS IN MARRIAGE DEFINE THEIR LOVE AS TRUE
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Happy to Be Ron's Girl" (yuck, yuck): I am dismayed that someone can call herself an old-fashioned girl yet shirk her moral responsibilities and be Ron's live-in honey instead of his wife. "Ron's Girl" has a warped definition of "true love" since they are not willing to make the commitment of marriage. Ron's got it made! He has all the benefits of lover, mommy, maid and slave without the hassle of commitment.
My husband and I are both working professionals, and we share household responsibilities. Just because I don't want to spend my life being my husband's maid doesn't mean I'm "lazy." We have an equal partnership, which my husband and I agree is the definition of "true love." Unlike "Ron's Girl," who didn't have enough courage to let you print her name, you may print mine. I stand behind my convictions. -- STACY L. VERDICK CASE, BLAINE, MINN.
DEAR STACY: Since I ran the letter from "Happy to Be Ron's Girl," I have been inundated with mail from irate readers who were morally offended at the thought of couples living together. Read on for a few samples:
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Happy to Be Ron's Girl" -- the woman who scolded contemporary women for not catering to or waiting on their men: I am a 38-year-old married career woman and the mother of two teen-agers. I possess some excellent old-fashioned morals, thanks to my parents who taught me love, respect, and a host of other decent things. Those two people would be the first ones to promote and endorse "equality" in the home.
We don't use that word, however. Rather, we stress responsibility and contribution by everyone. Our children are learning to be functioning members in the family. Our daughter mows the grass and our son does the dishes and is learning to cook. My husband will do whatever needs to be done. No matter what we do, we do it for all of us and, in the process, we have some GREAT family times or one-on-one with the kids.
I pity "Ron's Girl," who probably has never experienced the joy of coming home to clean dishes or supper prepared by a loving husband. "Many hands make light work," and we all end up with more time to do the things we enjoy. Finally, I have to wonder why he's only a live-in. I guess there's no need to buy a cow when he can get the milk for free. -- STEAMED UP IN NEBRASKA
DEAR ABBY: "Happy to Be Ron's Girl" boasted that she had good looks and brains and was happy to serve her man a good meal and show her love by doing his laundry. That's fine and dandy, and I applaud her for it. But she went on to brand women who "aspire to shirking domestic duties" as lazy.
Well, I'd like to add another thing: She's also smug and arrogant. How dare this supposedly "brainy" woman flaunt her holier-than-thou attitude and pass judgment on the rest of us who are domestically challenged! In my opinion, there are other ways of showing your love besides cooking and ironing clothes. For 12 years, I have been happily married to a loving, wonderful man who married me despite my well-known aversion to household chores and inability to follow a recipe.
To "Ron's Girl," I say: To each her own, sister. And if you're so great, how come he has not given you a wedding ring to "prove" HIS love?
Please don't use my real name. Just sign me ... INCENSED IN FLORIDA
Frolicsome Father in Law Puts Frown on Family Faces
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law (I'll call her Nora) died after a long battle with cancer. After the funeral, everyone came back to the house, and it turned into the party of the year.
Five months later, my father-in-law began dating Nora's best friend, "Zelda." One month later, they were engaged. Two months later, Zelda moved in. They plan to marry in March.
My father-in-law acts like he's 18 years old. Dad and Zelda are an embarrassment in public. Since Nora passed away, Dad seems relieved that he can get on with his life.
I am very upset about this, but it is hard since we live only five miles away. Is this normal behavior? -- DAUGHTER-IN-LAW IN ILLINOIS
DEAR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW: Not everyone reacts to death in the same way. Some people are so depressed they can barely function without medical assistance. Emotions, which are very close to the surface, sometimes become confused. Laughing jags occur when one might expect tears. Some religious groups concentrate on the positive aspects, choosing to celebrate life and the fact that the deceased is no longer suffering.
It's not unusual for a grieving spouse to find solace with a close friend of the deceased, nor is it unheard of to want to live life to its fullest after witnessing the death of a loved one.
DEAR ABBY: I'm addressing my comments to "No Name, Please," the widow whose older gentleman friend is taking advantage of her, living in her house and letting her pay all the bills:
Dear No Name Please: Get that freeloading "gentleman friend" out of your home immediately, before he becomes ill or disabled. If he gets sick, or reaches the point where he needs a lot of personal care and you allow yourself to start taking care of him, you'll be turned into a slave and will probably not receive any recompense for your slavery.
He does not sound in the least like a gentleman to me. He is using you. The fact that he won't pay his share of expenses and will not sign a prenuptial contract says loud and clear that he intends to take you for everything he can get.
Perhaps if he were alone in the world, I might have some sympathy for him, but he has two sons. Whether they like it or not, it is up to them to make arrangements for their father. Do not let the sons talk you into taking care of that freeloader. Whatever they promise could be as unreliable as his promises to share the expenses.
Get him out of the house now! Then, consult with your lawyer about sending him a bill for his share of the expenses for all the time he lived in your house -- including the taxes you paid.
Last but not least, look into getting some protection for your assets by buying long-term health-care insurance. The younger you are, the cheaper the premiums will be. Look carefully at the various insurance plans that are available. Buy coverage that provides a certain amount of money that you can use for care either in your own home or in a nursing home. -- MARGARET G. SMITH, ROSEVILLE, MICH.
DEAR MARGARET: That's straight-from-the-shoulder advice, and I hope that "No Name, Please" heeds it. However, she also stated that before she met this man she was so lonely she was climbing the walls, and when he came along he filled a void in her life. Sometimes people are so lonely they will tolerate being used rather than face being alone.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Would Be Older Parents Ask if It's Fair to Have More Kids
DEAR ABBY: Four years ago, I met a man who fulfilled all my hopes and needs for a lifetime companion. We married a year later and have been happy in a new home and community. He's 48 and I am 40.
We've discussed starting a family. I have no children, but he has a 24-year-old son. We are both in excellent health and have discussed it with my ob-gyn, who sees us as capable of having a normal child. We are financially sound and would make loving parents.
My dilemma lies with the negative comments we are getting from our families. My mother says we'd be selfish to have children at such an advanced age. His mother says there would be only heartache for our children because we will be "elderly" by the time they reach 20.
My husband says the decision is ours, and we should be influenced only by what's in our hearts -- not what others say.
I have read about older couples who started families and had no regrets. I would like to hear from the children of older couples, children who were in high school when their parents were 60 and 70 years old. Do the children have any regrets? I don't want our children to feel cheated because we are older, or because we might not be able to do things with them that younger parents could do. If you would print this, it would help us make our decision to have a family or remain childless. -- TO BE OR NOT TO BE PARENTS IN TEXAS
DEAR "TO BE OR NOT TO BE": You have posed an interesting question, which can best be answered by children who have grown up in families with older parents. It's something that's becoming more commonplace with advances in the field of infertility medicine.
Although I'd be surprised if many of the offspring of older parents would bite the hands of the parents who birthed them, I'd be very interested in what they have to say. Readers?
DEAR ABBY: Marilyn Bozeman's letter regarding adopted children was so far off base it's almost laughable. I agree that labels are cruel, but adoptees don't search for their "real" parents because society has labeled them adoptees, or because their adoptive parents didn't raise them well or love them enough.
We search to find a genetic connection from our roots to the rest of the universe. Adoptive parents should educate themselves about the emotional impact adoption has on their child and be prepared to deal with those issues when they arise. Many excellent books are available, written by adoptees, birth mothers and adoptive parents.
Attitudes about adoption and the laws surrounding it have changed considerably from the '50s and '60s, but much more is needed. Human beings are the only species on Earth that willingly give away their offspring. It is a barbaric practice, equally as evil as abortion.
The bottom line: Men should do a better job of guarding their sperm because conception should never be an accident. -- STILL WOUNDED BY ADOPTION
DEAR WOUNDED: Although conception should never be an accident, it often is.
However, I cannot agree with your statement that adoption is a barbaric practice. I see adoption as an ideal solution to an urgent problem in which all of the involved individuals have an equal need for one another.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)