To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Would Be Older Parents Ask if It's Fair to Have More Kids
DEAR ABBY: Four years ago, I met a man who fulfilled all my hopes and needs for a lifetime companion. We married a year later and have been happy in a new home and community. He's 48 and I am 40.
We've discussed starting a family. I have no children, but he has a 24-year-old son. We are both in excellent health and have discussed it with my ob-gyn, who sees us as capable of having a normal child. We are financially sound and would make loving parents.
My dilemma lies with the negative comments we are getting from our families. My mother says we'd be selfish to have children at such an advanced age. His mother says there would be only heartache for our children because we will be "elderly" by the time they reach 20.
My husband says the decision is ours, and we should be influenced only by what's in our hearts -- not what others say.
I have read about older couples who started families and had no regrets. I would like to hear from the children of older couples, children who were in high school when their parents were 60 and 70 years old. Do the children have any regrets? I don't want our children to feel cheated because we are older, or because we might not be able to do things with them that younger parents could do. If you would print this, it would help us make our decision to have a family or remain childless. -- TO BE OR NOT TO BE PARENTS IN TEXAS
DEAR "TO BE OR NOT TO BE": You have posed an interesting question, which can best be answered by children who have grown up in families with older parents. It's something that's becoming more commonplace with advances in the field of infertility medicine.
Although I'd be surprised if many of the offspring of older parents would bite the hands of the parents who birthed them, I'd be very interested in what they have to say. Readers?
DEAR ABBY: Marilyn Bozeman's letter regarding adopted children was so far off base it's almost laughable. I agree that labels are cruel, but adoptees don't search for their "real" parents because society has labeled them adoptees, or because their adoptive parents didn't raise them well or love them enough.
We search to find a genetic connection from our roots to the rest of the universe. Adoptive parents should educate themselves about the emotional impact adoption has on their child and be prepared to deal with those issues when they arise. Many excellent books are available, written by adoptees, birth mothers and adoptive parents.
Attitudes about adoption and the laws surrounding it have changed considerably from the '50s and '60s, but much more is needed. Human beings are the only species on Earth that willingly give away their offspring. It is a barbaric practice, equally as evil as abortion.
The bottom line: Men should do a better job of guarding their sperm because conception should never be an accident. -- STILL WOUNDED BY ADOPTION
DEAR WOUNDED: Although conception should never be an accident, it often is.
However, I cannot agree with your statement that adoption is a barbaric practice. I see adoption as an ideal solution to an urgent problem in which all of the involved individuals have an equal need for one another.
DEAR ABBY: I laughed out loud when I saw your column featuring famous sayings with original endings provided by a fourth-grade class in Ventura County, Calif.
At our computer Web site, the Geezer Brigade for "seniors with an attitude," a competition was held to see if Geezers couldn't outdo the little whippersnappers. Here are the results:
APHORISMS FOR THE '90s FROM THE GEEZER BRIGADE
-- All that glitters is not ... necessarily something you want your only daughter sticking through a hole in her nose.
-- The early bird catches ... hell from the union.
-- A penny saved is ... something you could've invested in the biggest bull market in history, if only you hadn't listened to your idiot brother-in-law.
-- The road to hell is ... paved.
-- If you can't stand the heat ... hire an assistant.
-- The squeaky wheel ... got to be lead singer in my son's rock group.
-- It's always darkest just before ... you try to find your seat in a movie theater.
-- To err is ... not permitted by the IRS, and to forgive is unheard of!
-- JOHN KERNELL, CHARLESTON, S.C.
DEAR JOHN: If some people are curious about what seniors are doing with computers these days, your letter should put their curiosity to rest.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Picture Perfect," whose married sister didn't want "Picture's" fiance in their family portrait, made me chuckle. By agreeing with the sister, you implied that tying the knot was a guarantee of permanent family status. A son-in-law can end up "out of the picture" just as easily as a fiance can.
Several years ago, we had a family portrait taken that included our parents, my husband and myself, my two married sisters and their husbands and children, and my unmarried sister. Well, all three of the sons-in-law have since become "exes."
There have been ongoing family jokes about the usefulness of those little "sticky notes" as cover-ups, making miniature brown paper sacks to paste over obsolete heads, or covering the face of each ex with his replacement.
Fortunately, when we sat for the portrait, we also had shots taken of my parents by themselves, and "just us girls" with our parents. Although most of us now display the abbreviated portrait, I keep the one with the exes tucked away in a family album. All three were good men and are a part of our family history, even if not a part of its future. -- PICTURE THIS IN HANFORD, CALIF.
DEAR PICTURE THIS: I think I've got the picture. It's dizzying to think that the only way to have a family portrait is to include blood relatives only. However, many readers wrote suggesting that this family have two portraits made -- one with the fiance, and one without.
DEAR ABBY: You asked your readers how they would define "elderly." My 4-year-old daughter came to me one day with a question about our neighbor, Fern. "Mom," Katy asked, "is Fern old?"
"Yes," I replied, "Fern is old."
"No, Mom, I mean really old."
Knowing that Fern is 87, I answered "Yes."
"Gosh!" Katy said, her eyes shining. "Is she 30?"
So, Abby, I thought you'd like to know that in my daughter's eyes, "elderly" is synonymous with 30. -- KIM YOSHIHARA, PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR KIM: Katy is not alone. I remember the '60s, when teen-agers and college students used to say, "Don't trust anyone over 30."
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Scared Daughter Can't Escape Attention From Family 'Friend'
DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old girl with a major problem. This problem has to do with "Sam," my dad's friend. Dad met Sam in a bar about two years ago. Sam is 34 and is drunk most of the time. He hasn't had a job since we've known him.
In the past couple of months, Sam has made passes at me, which makes me very uncomfortable. On many occasions, I've found notes on my bedroom door saying things like, "I'll wait for you forever," and "Before you know it, I'm going to be a part of your family. I will do anything for you," and "Hugs and lots of kisses."
I have told my parents I don't like him, and I hate it when he comes around. All they do is laugh and think it's funny. I tell them I'm serious, and they tell me that I like the "attention."
Abby, I don't like this "attention," and I don't think it is funny. I'm scared that if I don't do something about this, Sam will continue to send me notes, or worse. And he must have followed me, because he has sent me pictures of me in the mall where I go with my friends. I am afraid he'll begin to stalk me or sexually assault me.
How can I get my parents to realize that I don't like Sam and what he's doing is wrong? I know I can't choose my dad's friends, but don't I have a say in who comes into my life? Please help me. I'm very scared. -- QUAKING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR QUAKING: You appear to have more common sense than your parents. If you haven't already done so, start saving Sam's notes and photocopy them. Show them to your parents and tell them Sam is making you very uncomfortable, and you don't want to be around him because you're afraid of him. If they refuse to take you seriously, give the photocopies of the notes to your school counselor, principal or clergyperson, and explain that Sam is a 34-year-old man with a drinking problem.
According to the Los Angeles Police Department, Sam's behavior is considered sexual harassment.
DEAR ABBY: We recently buried my sister-in-law. Because we had a closed-casket funeral, we used a "memory board" on which we posted snapshots and photographs that had been taken of her throughout the years.
As an amateur photographer, I am always the one snapping pictures at family gatherings. Her memory board got me to thinking that when I die there will be very few pictures of me because I take them, but I'm in very few of them.
It would be nice if family members would sometimes offer to take the picture so I could be IN a few snapshots. If they had thought of it, they probably would have enjoyed being behind the camera for a change. Perhaps some of your readers who are always being snapped would trade places with the photographer so there will be photos of every family member -- including the usual photographer. Just sign me ... SHUTTERBUG
DEAR SHUTTERBUG: Cat got your tongue? Why not speak up and ask family members to take the camera and snap a few pictures of YOU at these family events? Ready? Say "cheese" ... and don't blink!
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)