For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I laughed out loud when I saw your column featuring famous sayings with original endings provided by a fourth-grade class in Ventura County, Calif.
At our computer Web site, the Geezer Brigade for "seniors with an attitude," a competition was held to see if Geezers couldn't outdo the little whippersnappers. Here are the results:
APHORISMS FOR THE '90s FROM THE GEEZER BRIGADE
-- All that glitters is not ... necessarily something you want your only daughter sticking through a hole in her nose.
-- The early bird catches ... hell from the union.
-- A penny saved is ... something you could've invested in the biggest bull market in history, if only you hadn't listened to your idiot brother-in-law.
-- The road to hell is ... paved.
-- If you can't stand the heat ... hire an assistant.
-- The squeaky wheel ... got to be lead singer in my son's rock group.
-- It's always darkest just before ... you try to find your seat in a movie theater.
-- To err is ... not permitted by the IRS, and to forgive is unheard of!
-- JOHN KERNELL, CHARLESTON, S.C.
DEAR JOHN: If some people are curious about what seniors are doing with computers these days, your letter should put their curiosity to rest.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Picture Perfect," whose married sister didn't want "Picture's" fiance in their family portrait, made me chuckle. By agreeing with the sister, you implied that tying the knot was a guarantee of permanent family status. A son-in-law can end up "out of the picture" just as easily as a fiance can.
Several years ago, we had a family portrait taken that included our parents, my husband and myself, my two married sisters and their husbands and children, and my unmarried sister. Well, all three of the sons-in-law have since become "exes."
There have been ongoing family jokes about the usefulness of those little "sticky notes" as cover-ups, making miniature brown paper sacks to paste over obsolete heads, or covering the face of each ex with his replacement.
Fortunately, when we sat for the portrait, we also had shots taken of my parents by themselves, and "just us girls" with our parents. Although most of us now display the abbreviated portrait, I keep the one with the exes tucked away in a family album. All three were good men and are a part of our family history, even if not a part of its future. -- PICTURE THIS IN HANFORD, CALIF.
DEAR PICTURE THIS: I think I've got the picture. It's dizzying to think that the only way to have a family portrait is to include blood relatives only. However, many readers wrote suggesting that this family have two portraits made -- one with the fiance, and one without.
DEAR ABBY: You asked your readers how they would define "elderly." My 4-year-old daughter came to me one day with a question about our neighbor, Fern. "Mom," Katy asked, "is Fern old?"
"Yes," I replied, "Fern is old."
"No, Mom, I mean really old."
Knowing that Fern is 87, I answered "Yes."
"Gosh!" Katy said, her eyes shining. "Is she 30?"
So, Abby, I thought you'd like to know that in my daughter's eyes, "elderly" is synonymous with 30. -- KIM YOSHIHARA, PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR KIM: Katy is not alone. I remember the '60s, when teen-agers and college students used to say, "Don't trust anyone over 30."
Scared Daughter Can't Escape Attention From Family 'Friend'
DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old girl with a major problem. This problem has to do with "Sam," my dad's friend. Dad met Sam in a bar about two years ago. Sam is 34 and is drunk most of the time. He hasn't had a job since we've known him.
In the past couple of months, Sam has made passes at me, which makes me very uncomfortable. On many occasions, I've found notes on my bedroom door saying things like, "I'll wait for you forever," and "Before you know it, I'm going to be a part of your family. I will do anything for you," and "Hugs and lots of kisses."
I have told my parents I don't like him, and I hate it when he comes around. All they do is laugh and think it's funny. I tell them I'm serious, and they tell me that I like the "attention."
Abby, I don't like this "attention," and I don't think it is funny. I'm scared that if I don't do something about this, Sam will continue to send me notes, or worse. And he must have followed me, because he has sent me pictures of me in the mall where I go with my friends. I am afraid he'll begin to stalk me or sexually assault me.
How can I get my parents to realize that I don't like Sam and what he's doing is wrong? I know I can't choose my dad's friends, but don't I have a say in who comes into my life? Please help me. I'm very scared. -- QUAKING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR QUAKING: You appear to have more common sense than your parents. If you haven't already done so, start saving Sam's notes and photocopy them. Show them to your parents and tell them Sam is making you very uncomfortable, and you don't want to be around him because you're afraid of him. If they refuse to take you seriously, give the photocopies of the notes to your school counselor, principal or clergyperson, and explain that Sam is a 34-year-old man with a drinking problem.
According to the Los Angeles Police Department, Sam's behavior is considered sexual harassment.
DEAR ABBY: We recently buried my sister-in-law. Because we had a closed-casket funeral, we used a "memory board" on which we posted snapshots and photographs that had been taken of her throughout the years.
As an amateur photographer, I am always the one snapping pictures at family gatherings. Her memory board got me to thinking that when I die there will be very few pictures of me because I take them, but I'm in very few of them.
It would be nice if family members would sometimes offer to take the picture so I could be IN a few snapshots. If they had thought of it, they probably would have enjoyed being behind the camera for a change. Perhaps some of your readers who are always being snapped would trade places with the photographer so there will be photos of every family member -- including the usual photographer. Just sign me ... SHUTTERBUG
DEAR SHUTTERBUG: Cat got your tongue? Why not speak up and ask family members to take the camera and snap a few pictures of YOU at these family events? Ready? Say "cheese" ... and don't blink!
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Binge Drinkers' 'Good Times' Aren't Shared by Their Spouses
DEAR ABBY: You recently reprinted the test for alcoholism. Some time back, when I found myself involved with a man I suspected had a drinking problem, I reviewed the test that I had seen in your column. Since the answers to only three questions were yes (you stated that a "yes" answer to four of them pointed to alcoholism), I felt comfortable marrying him.
However, in the past year, research has been done regarding binge drinking vs. full-blown alcoholism. The study found equal problems among both groups. I think your danger-signal list should be updated to reflect the following:
-- Do you have family members with addictive behavior, i.e., gambling, drugs, drinking?
-- If you have minor children, have they frequently seen you drunk?
-- If you have adult children, do you get drunk with them?
-- Are you able to drink more than most other people before getting drunk because you are "used to it"?
-- When you reminisce about the "good times," are they almost exclusively drinking stories?
-- Do you seek recreational activities that revolve around drinking?
-- When you are in a group, are you ever the only one drinking?
-- Do you frequently drink so much you are unable to perform sexually?
-- Have you been told that you become obnoxious when you've been drinking?
-- Do you drink and drive?
Abby, tell your readers to select as many "yes" answers as they can live with, then prepare to play second fiddle to the Almighty Beer Can during most of their leisure time. -- BETRAYED
DEAR BETRAYED: Those are excellent additions to the test for alcoholism. Readers and spouses or loved ones of those who drink, if the test for alcoholism was not conclusive, consider the above questions. They may indicate a problem with alcohol in spite of the earlier passing grade.
DEAR ABBY: My husband is 42 and I am 36. When we married five years ago, he was a widower with a young daughter. His first wife had died shortly after giving birth to their second child. The baby was premature and died a week later. We are raising his daughter, whom I love very much.
The problem is that he refuses to remove his old wedding band. He wears the ring from his first marriage on his right hand and the one I gave him on his left. I have asked him many times to please remove the ring. He says that his first wife will always be a part of his life. (They met in the eighth grade.)
Abby, I understand that, and I have always been sympathetic to his tragedy. However, I am hurt and insulted. I am his LIVING wife, and it is abnormal for a man to wear two wedding bands. We are unable to resolve this.
Please give me your opinion. -- LONGTIME READER, NEW YORK STATE
DEAR LONGTIME READER: I agree, it is unusual. But there is no timetable for grief, and your husband has made it clear that he is unwilling to give up the "connection" to his first wife that is symbolized by their wedding band.
Look at it this way: You have the WHOLE man, minus one not very important digit.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)