Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Angry Words Haunt Daughter Years After Father's Death
DEAR ABBY: I got into a terrible fight with my father and hadn't spoken to him for about three weeks. One night I had an opportunity to talk to him, but because we'd had a rocky relationship for a while, I foolishly chose to remain angry. It was the biggest mistake of my life, because that night he died in a terrible car accident.
I think about my father every day and miss him terribly. It's been 10 years since his death, and every day I have regretted putting my anger before my love for him. Life is short, and there is nothing worse than feeling that it's "too late." I have written a poem that describes how I feel:
I could have been kinder, it's easy to see.
I could have made time for just you and me.
You taught me a lesson I'll share if I may,
There are no second chances, so make use of today.
Go to your loved ones. Tell them you care.
Don't be put off; they won't always be there.
It may not be easy, it may not seem right,
But I guarantee you'll sleep better tonight.
I hope my poem will help someone to reach out to a loved one. You never know if you'll get the chance again. -- LORI IN ONAWA, IOWA
DEAR LORI: Your poem delivers a powerful message. Perhaps you'll find comfort in the thought that others may be spared your misfortune because you chose to share your experience.
DEAR ABBY: "Frustrated 16-Year-Old in Norfolk" implied she was denied an education because she left school and now has a baby. Was this child enrolled in a public high school? Did you call Norfolk Public Schools to find out our policies on admitting teen mothers or dropouts? If you had, you would have known pregnant teens may attend their regular classes up to their due date, or attend a special school for pregnant girls where they receive intensive parenting education as well as their academic courses. Once they have the baby, they return to their home school.
We encourage dropouts to return to school -- either at their home school to pick up where they left off, or in a variety of alternative programs and sites.
One program, the Norfolk Preparatory School, allows students to attend classes at night and earn credits at an accelerated pace so they can catch up with their peers. This program has helped many students earn their high school degree and prepare for further training either at a vocational school or a college.
Abby, are you certain the girl was truly denied admittance? My guess is she and her parents have not even been to school to enroll. If she did go and was denied enrollment, it was because of disciplinary action for fighting, possession of weapons or drugs, but certainly not for dropping out to have a baby.
I am proud to be an 11-year veteran teacher in Norfolk Public Schools. I have taught many students who have children at home, or teens who are returning to school after dropping out. We work hard to educate all segments of our urban population. We have excellent academic and vocational programs in place with an active, caring faculty to encourage our students to succeed. Please be sure you correct the false negative impression this girl made of Norfolk Public Schools. -- JACQUELYN MANGER HULL, VIRGINIA BEACH, VA.
DEAR JACQUELYN: Because the teen gave me very specific information about the name of the school, etc., I did not feel it was necessary to confirm her accusations, although I did withhold the specifics to protect her home high school. Your policies for dropouts and teen mothers are commendable, but I'm wondering if perhaps there is one among you who does not subscribe to your generous policies and who discouraged the teen mother -- against school policy.
Dad Stews on the Sidelines When Family Takes the Field
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for 40 years and have three grown daughters who live a few miles from us. Last year, my wife had a stroke that left her physically incapacitated and requiring daily care. She is unable to stand, walk or even get out of bed without help. Our daughters come to visit as often as they can and help with her care.
Their visits usually go something like this: Daughter arrives, knocks at the door and comes in. She nods at me, asks how I'm doing, then heads for the bedroom. From then on, however long the visit lasts, it's "yakety-yak, blah-blah-blah" with Mom, the hired caregiver or each other if more than one daughter is here.
My daughters talk to me only if there's a problem involving finances or bills. Otherwise, it's, "Gotta run. Bye, Dad. See you later!"
I realize I'm not the best of company. I've never been good at idle chitchat or mingling with people, and the present circumstances don't help any. But it would be nice to be included in the loop occasionally, even though I'm not exactly bubbling over with joy these days.
In the past, I've tried explaining my feelings to my wife, but all I got was a sarcastic "Oh, you poor dear!" From my daughters I get, "Think positive, Dad, be upbeat." Then off they go to talk to Mom while I sit in the living room alone. I feel left out of my own family. Your opinion, please. -- GOOD OLD DAD
DEAR GOOD OLD DAD: Your daughters' habit of speaking to you only about certain issues and talking to their mother about everything is not uncommon. It probably was established years ago, when the girls were young.
However, it's not too late to make a change. Be honest with your daughters. Let them know you'd like more than the limited converations you have had with them until now. Begin by asking them personal questions. If you "hear" only "yakety-yak, blah-blah-blah," the situation won't improve. If you LISTEN when they answer, you and your children may discover you're finally getting to know each other.
P.S. Instead of isolating yourself when your daughters come to visit their mother, why not join the party?
DEAR ABBY: Not too long ago, a friend of mine lost his eyesight due to complications from diabetes. He is only 29.
Fortunately, I was given the gift of sharing his first outing since he became blind. He was so excited! After almost sitting on a stranger's lap on the bus, he told me how helpful it would be if the public would just do a few things to enable the blind to function without additional problems when they go out.
These are only a few tips on ways we can help people who are sightless:
1. When you see someone who is blind, start talking. This will let him know WHERE you are. (That way, the person won't sit on your lap or trip over your feet.)
2. Ask if there is anything you can do. You might be able to direct them.
3. Let them take your elbow so that you can lead them to a specific area, especially when crossing the street.
4. Converse with them -- you'll find they have much to say.
Many of us are fearful that we will do the wrong thing, so we don't do anything. I know there must be other helpful tips. If your readers can add to this list, it will be very much appreciated. -- ANDREA RYNER, SAN MATEO, CALIF.
DEAR ANDREA: You've written a helpful letter. I hope readers who have contact with a person who is sightless will take your suggestions to heart.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Friendship Doesn't Come Easy for Woman With Little to Say
DEAR ABBY: My problem is that I am boring. During my 33 years of living, I have had only one or two friends at a time and none of them has been close. I am terrible at starting conversations with strangers, and just as bad at holding up my end of a conversation if I do get engaged in one. In addition, I have a monotone voice and not much energy due to sleeping problems (I am working with a neurologist on this).
I've had many opportunities to make friends, but I can't seem to do it. I never know what to say, and I can tell when I'm talking to people that they are bored. Some turn to other people; most excuse themselves after a few minutes. I have two friends now (one sort of close, one an acquaintance), and although I try to keep in contact, sometimes I don't even want to call because I don't know what to say.
On top of that, I am a very serious woman and find it hard to joke with people and to catch on to their jokes. I even have trouble talking to family members. I am not a "fun" person, but I'd like to be. What can I do to help myself? -- LOOKING FOR FRIENDS
DEAR LOOKING: Just as you are seeing a neurologist to help with your sleeplessness, take some voice lessons to learn how to sound more expressive. The increased energy and improved voice will increase your confidence.
Being a good conversationalist is an art that can be cultivated. As I point out in my booklet, "How to Be Popular," being a good listener will do more for you than being a good talker. People enjoy talking about themselves when given a chance, and they'll end up thinking YOU are a fascinating conversationalist.
Being INTERESTED is more important than being INTERESTING. Look at the world around you. Surely there are some things that capture your attention -- art, animals, cooking, children, sports, medicine -- it doesn't matter what it is, as long as you find it interesting. Your interest, enthusiasm and knowledge about even one topic will make talking about it fun, and others will enjoy listening to you.
There are many books of amusing quotations that might appeal to you more than jokes. Buy several, and you'll find yourself smiling before you are finished. Trust me.
DEAR ABBY: My dad carried on a 30-year affair with a married woman I'll call "Lily," until he immigrated to Canada with Mom in 1984. Despite Mom's constant anguish over the affair, she and Dad stayed married for almost 54 years. Mom passed away 19 months ago.
Lily, now widowed, recently moved in with Dad. He is now 79 years old. My siblings and I do not object to his relationship because we want Dad to enjoy the years he has left. However, out of respect for our late mom, we declined his invitation to meet Lily. Dad is disappointed when we tell him that we don't care for Lily's company during our future visits with him.
Abby, Dad's affair left a deep scar on our childhood. Do you think we acted reasonably under the circumstances? -- AT A DISTANCE, ONTARIO, CANADA
DEAR AT A DISTANCE: Your feelings are understandable. However, unless you want to create a breach with your father, you will have to release some of your resentment about his old mistress.
DEAR ABBY: My first wife, "Roberta," passed away in 1976. I married "Margaret" in 1983. Roberta is buried in a city that is some distance from where Margaret and I live. Margaret and I plan to visit that city next month.
Would it be appropriate for me to visit the cemetery alone and place flowers on Roberta's grave while we are there? Or should I ask Margaret to visit the grave site with me? -- UNCERTAIN IN GEORGIA
DEAR UNCERTAIN: If you prefer to visit the grave alone, I am sure Margaret will understand. Otherwise, let her know she is welcome, but not obligated to accompany you.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.