For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Should Refuse to Trade Her Money for Daughter's Love
DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, my husband passed away. I have a little money, but not a lot.
My 40-year-old, twice-divorced daughter wants me to help her buy a house. She has never been able to manage her money. She told me that if I didn't give her $50,000 for the house, I could forget her visiting me or helping me in any way.
I offered to loan her $20,000 for the down payment, but she turned that down and demanded the larger sum as a gift.
Abby, I am 69 years old and must provide for myself, and $50,000 is a lot of money. What should I do? -- MARTHA IN SOUTHEASTERN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR MARTHA: If you give in to your daughter's blackmail now, she will undoubtedly find some excuse to get the rest of your money. And I wouldn't bet on her visiting and helping you once the money is gone.
Face it, Martha, your daughter is manipulative and cold-hearted. Refuse to finance her home. Save your money for your needs and comfort, and look to other family members and friends for companionship and assistance should you need it.
DEAR ABBY: I have always been interested in comedy, so when I retired at 62, I entered a comedy contest in a cabaret in Encino, Calif. There were 475 young people in the contest and most of them looked at me as if to say, "Why aren't you home watching your arteries get hard?" Well, I made it to the finals and won. I got $1,000 and a nice write-up in the newspaper.
My wife and I moved to Las Vegas a year ago. A comedy contest was held at the Tropicana Hotel. I entered, and won again. I received $1,000 and a nice write-up in the Las Vegas paper.
Your attitude is what makes you old, whether it's in regard to your sense of humor or your everyday attitude. I know many elderly YOUNG people. They're chronologically young, but they have old ideas. If we judged people with our eyes closed instead of with a closed mind, you'd be surprised how the term "elderly" would disappear. -- PAUL ORKIN, LAS VEGAS
DEAR PAUL: If we judged people with our eyes closed instead of with closed minds, I'm sure many of the problems that plague us would disappear. Congratulations on your new career.
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for saying, again and plainly, "People have telephones in their homes for their own convenience, not for research and marketing firms." I agree, but because I don't want to act rudely, I've come up with a two-part response to "cold callers" like "M.B. in Belle Plaine, Iowa," who wrote to you.
During the afternoon and evening hours telemarketers seem to like, I screen some of my calls with my answering machine. I've told everyone I know that I do this. So far, no one I'd want to talk with has objected to announcing him or herself to the machine.
When I do pick up the phone and find myself listening to someone I don't know who wants to sell me something, I wait for a pause, then say, "Thanks for calling. I charge $135 an hour for phone consulting, with a two-hour minimum. Where should I send my bill?"
I have never heard any reply -- just a click and a dial tone. -- JOHN SHAFFER DIBELKA, SPRING VALLEY, CALIF.
DEAR JOHN: Apparently, your mother didn't raise any foolish children. Thanks for writing.
'Elderly' Need Not Apply to Those Young at Heart
DEAR READERS: The many responses I received to the question, "How would you define the term 'elderly'?" were wonderful. Permit me to share a few:
DEAR ABBY: I have a definition that has served me well most of my life: Anyone is elderly who is older than I am.
This was confirmed when I heard my dad, who was 84 and in a convalescent home, speak of the "old codger who lives down the hall." He was 87. -- CARL FISHER (AGE 82), WALNUT CREEK, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: I am 79 and just beginning to think of myself as "elderly." Fifty, to me, is middle age. -- DOROTHY KENT, HENDERSON, NEV.
DEAR ABBY: I am 52 years old and consider the term "elderly" as being a synonym for dead! -- JANE ANDERSON, CINCINNATI
DEAR ABBY: How would I define elderly? I am reminded of the old joke that went, "I enjoy drinking; HE'S a drunk." I'm an older woman; SHE'S elderly! -- BEA SHAW, TOLUCA LAKE, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: I don't know a great deal about how ladies view themselves, but to me they are forever young. However, I do know a little about men.
By my reckoning, until age 35, he is an adolescent.
From 35 to 55, he is a young man.
From 55 to 75, he is middle-aged, and anyone who is 75 or older is a senior. -- TOM DANAHER (AGE 71), LAS VEGAS
DEAR ABBY: When you ask someone to define "elderly," you open a can of worms. It is my belief that few people think of themselves as a specific age.
Society seems to want to label each of its members by age, race, religion, etc. Let's forget all that and just live. Elderly is as elderly does. Enjoy life and, as the French say, "Vive la difference!" -- ROBERT L. CASEY, LAS VEGAS
DEAR ABBY: I am 76 and don't consider myself elderly. When I curl my hair, which is naturally a blondish-gray, I have my makeup on, my nails nicely manicured and I'm dressed in a nice outfit, I don't feel or look a day over 55. So I think, "If I were't married, I'd be looking for a live one."
I define elderly as "over the hill." -- STILL KICKING AND ABLE
DEAR ABBY: Being elderly to me is having the dignity to grow older with dignity. -- PEGGY O'NEIL, PUYALLUP, WASH.
DEAR ABBY: Most of us associate "elderly" with those who are older than we are, who have become incapacitated physically or mentally. People our own age may be "senior citizens" -- but NEVER elderly! -- MARION E. GRAFF, LOS ANGELES
DEAR ABBY: "Elderly" is a politically correct euphemism for "old." What's wrong with being old? I am an aging boomer and I want to be as old as possible.
In this baby- and youth-obsessed culture of ours, it's time to shout, "Old is great!" -- MICHAEL PEARCE, PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR MICHAEL AND READERS: I'll second the motion.
I regret that I am unable to print all of the delightful definitions I've received for "elderly"; however, from time to time, I will share more of them.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Alzheimer's Association Helps Families Desperate for Advice
DEAR ABBY: I can't thank you enough for recommending the Alzheimer's Association in your column.
My "Aunt Sadie" was ill and bedridden for several years before she passed away. It was only after her death that our family realized that her husband, "Uncle Harry," was showing symptoms of dementia. The responsibility for his care fell on us, and we didn't know what to do.
I remembered that you said people who need help for someone with Alzheimer's disease or dementia should call the Alzheimer's Association. The executive director of our local chapter was very kind and helpful. He helped us find a place to get my uncle evaluated; it turned out it WAS Alzheimer's disease.
The caseworker who came to assist our family was incredibly sympathetic and supportive. She answered every question and was a consummate professional who really made us feel she cared. She helped us find the right place for Uncle Harry to stay, since he sometimes became very aggressive, and we could no longer care for him ourselves. It was a painful decision, but it was the right thing to do -- for all of us. Uncle Harry passed away a short time later, which was a blessing.
Our experience with the Alzheimer's Association remains a positive memory. Their telephone helpline and support group provided reassurance and helpful information. They helped us sift through the health-care maze to get the services we needed for my uncle, and more than lived up to their slogan, "Someone to Stand by You." -- LAURIE IN LOS ANGELES
DEAR LAURIE: I'm pleased, but not surprised, that your experience with the Alzheimer's Association was so positive. I can't think of a better organization to provide assistance to families who are faced with this emotionally devastating problem.
Alzheimer's disease now affects more than 4 million people in this country, a number that is projected to double by the time the baby boomer generation reaches age 65. It touches nearly every family and affects all of society.
The national Memory Walk sponsored by the Alzheimer's Association will take place Oct. 4 and 5 in more than 200 communities across the United States. It raises money specifically targeted for programs and services to help people with the disease and their families.
Call your local Alzheimer's Association chapter, or 1-800-272-3900 (toll-free), or visit the association's Web site at http.//www.alz.org for more information.
DEAR ABBY: My 4-year-old daughter will be the flower girl in my brother's wedding. Since it is an adult reception, she and the ring bearer are being asked to leave the reception after they have been introduced and eaten dinner.
We spent $70 on her dress and contributed money toward the shower. I cannot believe she is expected to leave before the festivities and, frankly, we can't afford a sitter in addition to all the money we've already spent.
My husband and I have decided to go home with her when it's time for her to leave. Am I overreacting? -- SISTER OF THE GROOM
DEAR SISTER OF THE GROOM: A reasonable compromise has been proposed by the bridal couple. Your daughter and the ring bearer will have a chance to enjoy their dinner, and everyone will get to meet them. There will be no other children there for them to play with, and at their tender ages, they will probably have had enough excitement by then.
A day of joy is not the time to make a personal statement; therefore I would not advise leaving with your daughter. If you can't afford a sitter, consider sharing the cost with the parents of the ring bearer.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)