Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Parting Won't Be Sweet Sorrow if Temperamental Lover Leaves
DEAR ABBY: I literally bumped into a very good-looking guy (I'll call him TLC) at the corner grocery store one afternoon last February. We hit it off from the moment we met. After a few dates, I asked him to move in with me and he accepted.
I own the home that we share and I'm financially stable. I don't need a roommate to meet my financial obligations. I pay the mortgage and TLC buys the groceries.
Things went well for a couple of months; then he lost his job and has been self-employed since, although his work is not steady.
Lately TLC has become very temperamental. We haven't been intimate since July. He says he feels inadequate because he isn't "part" of the household, yet he rarely follows through on chores he has promised to do. He also has a very annoying habit of changing his mind at the last minute when we've made social or travel plans.
Abby, I am very happy with my job and enjoy life in general, but this man's temperament and indifference to sex are driving me crazy.
We talk, but so far haven't resolved any issues. I've suggested counseling, but he's not interested.
Should I tell him to hit the road? -- NO TLC IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR NO TLC: It seems to me that you are giving far more than you are getting from this arrangement.
You are not married to this man, and nowhere do you say that you love him. Pack his bags and present him with a road map.
DEAR ABBY: "Torn in Olympia, Wash.," whose wife is in a nursing home suffering the devastation of Alzheimer's disease, doesn't need to walk in a marathon or join a support group. It's easy for others to tell someone else not to feel guilty. But the fact that his children, brothers and sisters are supportive is further reinforcement from those who matter that most will approve of his relationship with his female companion.
What an honorable man he is to continue his visits despite the fact that his wife no longer recognizes him. Nursing home visits are far more painful for the visitors than they are for the patients.
Please, "Torn," enjoy your twilight years. You have more than earned them. I am a firm believer in fate. If it weren't meant to be, your neighbor wouldn't have been this lovely lady who has lifted your spirits and made you feel alive again.
If your wife were able, she would surely give you a "two thumbs up"! -- P.C. IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR P.C.: I appreciate your compassionate attitude. However, many readers were far less charitable. I received a lot of criticism for my "liberal" attitude.
DEAR ABBY: I am a retired dentist and I sympathize with the dental hygienist who complained about patients coming to the office with dirty mouths. I have a suggestion that, used with diplomacy, would solve her problem as well as provide a better service for her patients.
Give them a toothbrush and some floss before, instead of after, their appointment and have them clean their mouths "like they do at home." Then she could point out any areas they may have missed, or compliment them on having done such a good job. -- EUGENE PRATTE, D.D.S., HUNTINGTON BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR DR. PRATTE: Thank you for an excellent suggestion. Have you considered a second career as a diplomat? You'd make a good one.
Woman Abused as Child Still Bears Pain of Waiting to Tell
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to the letter signed "Living in God's Glory and Grace," which described a so-called respectable, churchgoing man who had been a child molester for years, but nobody suspected it until he was caught.
Recently my 10-year-old niece was molested by a family member. She is not getting counseling and seems to be fine; however, this event brought out an issue that my sister and I kept hidden for close to 20 years. We are now 28 and 29, but when we were 10 and 11, a family friend molested me on a camping trip. He had repeatedly molested my sister prior to that, but I found out only after I confessed my tragedy. Although the man never threatened to harm us, it was an unspoken command that we were going to keep it to ourselves.
The day after my niece came forward, a flood of emotions overcame me. We were at my sister's house and I told my mom everything. Mom contacted the police and they sent someone out. We learned that this man now lives in Florida. (We live in California.) The police in both states did extensive background checks, but no records of any kind were found. We were told that they did not have enough manpower to pursue this; also, too much time had elapsed. Today this man is free to do whatever he pleases -- including molesting other children.
I pray every day that this was a one-time incident, but somehow I'm not sure.
Please tell your young readers never to be afraid to tell someone right away. Twenty years proved far too long to wait. -- NO JUSTICE SERVED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR NO JUSTICE SERVED: Far too often, many child molesters go unpunished because their victims are too shy or embarrassed to come forward, or worse yet, because they fear they will not be believed. But the suffering of not reporting abuse can be worse then any embarrassment or disbelief one might encounter. I encourage anyone who has been molested to summon the courage to report the crime, and if the first person you tell doesn't believe you, keep telling people until you find someone who does believe you.
DEAR ABBY: As a longtime reader, I have often been inspired and touched by the special poems and essays you include in your columns. A few years ago, I sent for your "Keepers" booklet, so that I would have some of your favorites on hand in times of need.
Our special "time of need" came last fall, with the death of our daughter Kathy after a long and fierce battle with kidney disease. Her death came about seven months after my mother's death and just three weeks after my mother-in-law's passing.
In the midst of our grief, it was very important to us that Kathy's services be appropriate to her courage, her love, and our belief that death could not destroy the love our family has shared. From "Keepers," we selected two poems, the beautiful "Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep" and "A Parable of Immortality." We have had many positive comments on both readings and requests for copies.
Thank you for compiling your "Keepers" booklet. There are many poems that we love and use often. And once again, thank you for being there. You have often lifted my heart with hope, and at times provided a good chuckle as well. -- BARBARA P. KRAUS, CLAYMONT, DEL.
DEAR BARBARA: Thank you for your kind letter. Clearly, 1996 has been a difficult year for you. Please accept my deepest sympathy not only on the loss of your mother and mother-in-law, but on your cherished daughter as well. I am gratified that I was able to provide some comfort to you and your loved ones.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MAN TRIES TO MAKE GOOD ON HIS 14-YEAR-OLD PROMISE
DEAR ABBY: In January 1983, my wife and I sailed on the Queen Elizabeth II from Fort Lauderdale, Fla., to San Francisco. We were in the middle of a bon voyage party when a young man around 30 peeked into our stateroom. He was a visitor on board, and asked if he could see what a cabin looked like. I invited him in, and we chatted for a few minutes.
As he was leaving, he asked me to do him a favor and purchase four QEII World Cruise T-shirts for his children. (The ship's shops were closed while we were in port, and he would have to disembark before they opened.) He told me what sizes to buy and gave me $30 to cover the cost of the shirts, plus mailing. He gave me a business card -- he worked for a financial organization in Fort Lauderdale.
"How do you know I won't just keep the money and not send the T-shirts?" I asked. He said he had faith in people's honesty.
To make a long story short, I lost his card, so I couldn't send him the T-shirts. When we arrived in San Francisco, I got a Fort Lauderdale telephone directory and made over two dozen calls to different financial companies, but I couldn't locate the young man.
My wife has been nagging me all these years to write to you because we still have the T-shirts. You could put my mind at ease and restore a young man's trust in people by printing my letter. And if you do, I hope he sees it. -- EUGENE GAZZOLO, AUBURN, CALIF.
DEAR EUGENE: It's never too late to make the effort to right a wrong. Should the man see your letter in my column, he will finally know why you didn't send the T-shirts. Then his trust in people may be restored. If I hear from him, I'll let you know.
DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "Jennifer in Norfolk, Va.," dealing with the issue of sex education. The question was who should be teaching kids about sex: parents or teachers?
Jennifer makes a broad assumption when she states, "Teachers don't like to talk about the 'touchy-feely' stuff." Well, it's not that teachers don't like to talk about it, but oftentimes they CAN'T talk about it.
I am a young English teacher in the Bay area. I would like nothing better than to discuss sex openly and honestly with my students, but if I decided to do that, I could kiss my teaching career goodbye.
Until the classroom stops being a place for moral battles and starts becoming a place where open communication can flourish without fear, sex education will stay where it is -- buried. -- NO NAME PLEASE, SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR NO NAME: Several of my readers have suggested that rather then calling it "sex education," if it were viewed as health education, the topic might be less controversial. While some parents fear that these classes are sex manuals, in reality all they teach is how pregnancy occurs and diseases are transmitted. Teen-agers need to know much more than this in order to make wise decisions, and ideally both schools and parents should educate young people about sex.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)