For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Donations in Couple's Name Create Uncharitable Thoughts
DEAR ABBY: Is there a kind and tactful way to tell a distant relative to stop making donations to his favorite charities in our names? He's a very nice man and we know he means well. Obviously, he has the right to donate to any organization he wants, but he should do it in his own name -- not ours.
People who perform this act of kindness may not realize the uneasy position in which they place "fake donors." We feel hypocritical for the beneficiaries thinking we did the good deed, when the money didn't come from us.
Another undesirable side effect of vicarious giving is the glut of requests and junk mail that hound us for months (or years) after the donation. We have our own preferred charities and do not wish to receive requests from organizations we do not support, however worthwhile they may be.
On one occasion when a family member died, a self-appointed philanthropist made a very generous donation to his favorite charity in memory of the deceased, and indicated it came from us. Abby, you can imagine our embarrassment and discomfort when his widow thanked us heartily for our generous gift.
Perhaps a comment in your column to people who give this kind of gift, suggesting that they first ask the donors if they would like to have their names on a donation, would help to curb this practice. Some people may not want to be identified with a particular organization. And I'm sure even fewer will want the junk mail that follows.
Thank you for any suggestions you and your readers might offer. -- NO NAME OR LOCATION, PLEASE
DEAR NO NAME: Tell your relative that you are being inundated with pleas from charities to which he has donated in your name. Stress that you would prefer that he make donations to charities which YOU support. (That should put a stop to it!) Also, advise the charities that are soliciting you that you want your name removed from their donor lists.
The reason that many people make charitable donations as "gifts" is that such donations are tax-deductible for the giver who has written the check.
DEAR ABBY: This has been bothering me for quite a while. Either I am being too sensitive, or my relatives are totally insensitive. I'll let you decide:
My husband and I recently adopted a child, and so far none of my relatives have acknowledged the child's arrival. However, a few years ago when we had our first child, gifts were brought and cards were sent. I know that the second, third and fourth children of other family members have been acknowledged, so it's not that this is our second child and nothing should be done.
It's not that I am looking for gifts, but a card would have been nice. Do they feel that just because this child is adopted or older that it isn't necessary to do anything? Maybe someday they'll realize the hurt they caused by their failure to acknowledge this child's arrival.
Meanwhile, my mother-in-law buys gifts for all of her sister's, brother's and in-law's many grandchildren. Abby, is this what should be expected when you adopt a child? -- HEARTBROKEN
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Did you send announcements that were ignored? When the adoption was official, did you have a small family gathering to introduce your relatives to the newest member of the family? If you did and this blessed event was ignored, then your relatives are ignorant of the social graces and do not realize that the arrival of a child -- by birth or adoption -- is an occasion to be acknowledged and celebrated, and shame on them.
Deception Should Play No Part in Couple's Choice of Church
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem and need your advice. My husband wants me to lie to his parents, and I would feel uncomfortable in this lie. He says this "white" lie is necessary if we are to maintain a harmonious relationship with them. We don't see them often, so perpetuating the lie would not be too difficult, but I feel guilty about it just the same, and I wonder if the web of deceit we are weaving will entangle us one day.
We have been attending a church that is not the same faith as my in-laws. If they knew it, they would be very hurt -- especially since they want their grandchildren to grow up in their faith.
Both churches are Christian churches, and there are more similarities than differences. Because of these similarities, I think my in-laws would get over our attending this church if they knew; my husband disagrees.
I like this church, especially the programs for our children. My husband, however, feels a loyalty to the religion in which he was raised. Because of this ambiguity, he does not want to tell his parents because they might believe he has abandoned his faith, which would not be entirely true.
Abby, do you think it would be OK to tell a lie if it prevents hurt feelings and friction within the family? My husband thinks so. -- ANYTOWN, U.S.A.
DEAR ANYTOWN: You and your husband are adults and should not feel it is necessary to lie to his parents for any reason. "Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive!" (Sir Walter Scott)
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I recently bought a house together. We share all the cooking and cleaning. Prior to "us," he was living with a girl for 10 years, and I was married for 15 years.
His former girlfriend was completely domestic, and I'm totally the opposite. I'm a successful small-business owner with a very busy schedule.
Recently he asked me to hem a pair of his work pants. I said that I'd have my seamstress do it, but it would cost $5. He refused to pay for it, saying his former girlfriend would be more than happy to do it for nothing.
I am furious! I'd rather pay $100 than allow her to think she's taking care of my man's needs. He refuses to fight over this and is ordering a new pair of pants. What should I do? -- SUZIE IN CANADA
DEAR SUZIE: When the new pants arrive, if they solve the problem -- give him a hug. However, if they don't solve the problem, don't needle him. Since sewing is not one of your many talents, when the new pants arrive, quietly take them to your seamstress. Five dollars is a small price to pay to let sleeping dogs lie.
DEAR ABBY: I hope "A True Friend" reconsiders trying to help her friend who wears heavy makeup by telling her about it "for her own good."
I have an attractive, intelligent friend who also wears very heavy makeup. I had often wondered why she didn't realize that the shade was too dark and was applied a little too thick, but thank God, I was never so bold as to mention it to her.
One afternoon I went to her home unannounced, and she came to the door without makeup. Much to my surprise, she had a bright-red port-wine birthmark that covered half her face.
Abby, instead of suggesting that they go together for a professional makeup to learn the "latest tricks," your suggestion to accept her for the inner qualities that make her special would have been sufficient ... and is darn good advice for all of us. -- A TRUE FRIEND, TOO
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife Lacks Ginger to Join Husband's Fred Astaire Act
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 14 years. He is a good provider and a loving father to our two children.
We are part of a social circle that entertains frequently, and that is where the problem lies. My husband dances with every woman at the party while I sit at the table watching him make all kinds of sexy movements with them. He doesn't ignore me completely, but I am uncomfortable watching him touch all these other women.
If I say anything, my husband argues that I am the one he goes home with, buys the jewelry and gifts for, and comes home to every night. He says my disapproving looks spoil his fun, and claims he just likes to have a good time.
He shows his affection toward me when we are alone. We go on vacations together frequently. He says he loves me and the children and that our marriage is forever. But this dancing thing is bothering me.
How do I handle this? Should I just not pay attention, or try to give him a dose of his own medicine (but I am not the type to go around asking every woman's husband to dance)? -- SITTING ON THE SIDELINES IN NEW YORK
DEAR ON THE SIDELINES: Your husband is acting as though he has nothing to hide, and apparently he doesn't. He comes home to you every day and is affectionate and generous in word and deed.
Since no one else reacts negatively to his dancing, evidently he is not behaving inappropriately. Consider taking some lessons, thereby making yourself a more interesting and enjoyable dance partner. Then perhaps your husband will ask you to dance more often.
DEAR ABBY: This is another true story about a kind act from a man of character: Harry S. Truman.
Many years ago, I was a young Army wife traveling with an infant. I was at Washington National Airport, having been bumped from my connecting flight, badly in need of a bathroom, but I could not leave my baby alone.
A gentleman sitting on the bench with me saw my distress and said, "I will be here for the next half-hour and I am experienced in child care, as I have a young daughter." His face was familiar, but I could not place it until the loudspeaker blared, "Senator Truman, please come to the desk." As he left, he said, "Don't worry, I'll be right back."
He was true to his word, and I felt very comfortable letting the man who had recently been nominated for the vice presidency baby-sit for me. When I returned, he proudly said, "Your baby needed a change, so I found your diaper bag and took care of everything."
How the world has changed! -- NANCY HERTZBERG, PALM BEACH, FLA.
DEAR NANCY: What a wonderfully warm memory of President Truman. Obviously, he could be counted on to do whatever had to be done in any situation. Thank you for sharing it.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from the woman whose husband talked too much reminded me of a humorous incident in which I was involved.
Some years ago a new priest was appointed to our parish. Shortly after he arrived, my wife invited him to our home for dinner as a welcoming gesture. As a special treat, she also invited another couple who were mutual friends. The wife had been a parochial school classmate of the priest, and the husband had been his fraternity brother at the university before he decided to study for the priesthood.
Abby, I love this woman like a sister, but I've often said that she's the only person I know who talks more than my wife. All through the cocktails, hors d'oeuvres and well into dinner that woman dominated -- no, she monopolized -- the conversation.
After we finished the main course, the women went into the kitchen to prepare dessert. At this point, the priest turned to the two of us and said, "You know, celibacy isn't all that bad!" -- NO NAME OR TOWN PLEASE
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.