To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Just Saying No to Sex Is One Wife's Constant Credo
DEAR ABBY: Your series of columns on "Just Say No" amazed me. I was not aware that there was a shortage of ways to say it.
Any woman over 35 will be able to come up with at least a couple of hundred, since she uses at least one every day. My wife, who shut off intimacy 10 years ago, can furnish you with at least 1,000 suggestions.
Some of her favorites are: It's too late; it's too early; we'll wake the kids; the kids aren't asleep yet; I'm too tired; you're too tired; we just did; I've got a headache, a stomachache, a toothache, a backache ... whatever. I ate too much; I'm hungry; I drank too much; I didn't drink enough; it's too cold; it's too warm; I have to get up early; my legs are sore; my arms are sore; I just had my hair done; I should wash my hair; the bed's too hard; the bed's too soft; let's wait until next weekend; let's wait until next month; let's wait until next year.
I was told that a recent survey concerning sex showed that 90 percent of women over 35 in the USA have no interest in sex, while 96 percent of the men do, and that includes guys over 60.
So we can just forget all this nonsense about females not knowing how to say "No." It's pretty obvious that all of them are experts -- so much so that the majority of the male population over 40 is mired in chastity, thanks to a sexless majority of women. Sign me ... JUST SAY NO, MY FOOT
DEAR JUST: I am inclined to be suspicious when it comes to sex surveys. Those who do often say they don't. And those who don't sometimes say they do.
DEAR ABBY: The letter in your column from "Caring Grandparents, Nashua, N.H." made me sick to my stomach. They described how their son-in-law would play "tickle-tickle" constantly with their 3-month-old granddaughter.
I was once married to a tickler who used to constantly torture our infant daughter (and me) with tickling games. Unfortunately, I found out that while I was away at work, this sicko was "tickling" my daughter in inappropriate places. She told me when she was a toddler. I confronted him and threw him out immediately. Later during the child abuse investigation, he flunked a lie detector test.
Now after much counseling, my 11-year-old and I have learned that tickling can be a form of abuse and often masks a child abuser in the making.
Be aware: An innocent "game" could be masking something far more harmful that may cause repercussions through the victim's life. -- VICTORIA IN L.A.
DEAR VICTORIA: You are to be applauded for listening to your child and taking appropriate steps to protect her.
As I pointed out in my answer to "Caring Grandparents," pediatric specialists say that excessive tickling often results in inappropriate stimulation, and should be discouraged.
TREASURED PIECES OF JEWELRY MAY BE THE ONES RARELY WORN
DEAR ABBY: This letter is in response to your answer to "Sad in the Midwest." She had purchased a piece of jewelry for her closest friend after receiving some money from an inheritance. The friend wore the jewelry only occasionally, so "Sad in the Midwest" wanted to buy the jewelry back.
I don't think she should request the jewelry back. When I receive a piece of jewelry, I treasure it so much that I wear it only on special occasions because I am afraid of losing it.
My mother-in-law has hurt my feelings in the past because I'm reluctant to wear my better jewelry often, but I feel I have a valid point. Maybe "Sad in the Midwest's" friend feels the same way. -- TEXAS LIL
DEAR TEXAS LIL: Thank you for the input. Many other readers also disagreed with my answer. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I can hardly believe the advice you gave "Sad in the Midwest" to offer to buy back the jewelry she originally gave her friend as a gift. Although "Sad" may have seen her friend wear the jewelry only three times, it does not mean her friend has not worn the piece of jewelry in her absence. Nor does it suggest her friend does not appreciate or cherish the gift.
When you give people a gift, it is theirs to do with as they wish; surely she does not expect her to wear it every day. For her to offer to buy the jewelry from her friend is declasse. If "Sad" liked the piece of jewelry as much as she indicates, she should have bought it for herself. I would suggest that instead of offering to buy it, she ask her friend if she can borrow the piece and have it copied by a jeweler. -- MICHELLE M. HURLEY, COLUMBIA, S.C.
DEAR MICHELLE: Mea culpa! How do you say, "Your solution was better than mine" in Latin?
DEAR ABBY: Please add this to your collection of "acts of kindness."
Back in 1990, I saw the movie "Crazy People," starring Dudley Moore. It was about people with mental illness bonding together to become productive citizens. This movie sent a clear message to the public that mental illness is just that -- an illness.
Since I suffer from clinical depression and have for most of my life, I wrote a letter to Dudley Moore telling him how much this picture helped me. To my surprise, a few months later, my phone rang and I heard, "May I please speak to Carol? This is Dudley Moore calling."
Abby, he was so interested in my illness, so supportive and caring. He was modest and sincere. I can't tell you what a big help it was knowing that someone of his fame still cares for those who fight a daily battle with mental illness. It made my day. -- CAROL ANN IN BETHESDA, MD.
DEAR CAROL ANN: Thank you. Your letter made MY day.
DEAR ABBY: I have a perfect response for "Speechless," the woman who didn't know how to respond to her mother-in-law's "Did you miss me" question: "Yes, but my aim is getting better!" -- MISSED MY MOTHER-IN-LAW IN NEW JERSEY
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I agree with your answer to "I Speak Spanish in New Mexico." Why are some people in this country so determined to speak another language in front of other people, knowing that it could be considered rude?
For this country to be united, we need to be able to communicate with each other. A common language makes sense, and I believe that all individuals in this country should use a common language. Individuals, organizations (such as religious organizations) and the government should encourage this. There are problems in this country that are difficult to solve, but this is not one of them.
If I moved to Mexico, I would learn to speak Spanish if for no other reason than to show respect for that country. If you live in the United States, please learn the language. -- RICHARD WATSON, PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR RICHARD: I suspect that many people who speak a foreign language in the presence of those who do not understand it are ignorant of the fact that they are being rude.
A common language brings people together. Historically, learning English was a priority for German, Italian, Russian, Chinese and Japanese immigrants (to name a few) because it helped them participate in the communities they joined. And because the United States is still predominantly an English-speaking country, that practice should continue today.
DEAR ABBY: Perhaps you will indulge me by printing one more letter regarding the English/Spanish controversy.
I have been unable to obtain work in Southern California despite 14 years' experience, excellent references and a willingness to work. The reason: I cannot speak Spanish.
Property management is my specialty. After attending classes for seven years while working full time, I received all of the certification that the National Apartment Association offers.
Advertisements in the papers state, "bilingual only need apply." Why must an American-born, English-speaking person be required to speak a foreign language to qualify for employment? I would like to see your response, and perhaps the response of others who have been denied employment because they speak only English. -- UNHAPPILY RETIRED IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR UNHAPPILY RETIRED: Employers must be practical. Because California has a large Spanish-speaking population and many businesses depend on Spanish-speaking customers and subcontractors, they need employees who can speak Spanish. It's a matter of economics.
DEAR ABBY: I was having a conversation with an elderly Hispanic gentleman recently when a man approached us from 100 feet away and admonished us to speak English because "we're in America now, you know."
I replied: "Why? Because you're too stupid to learn a foreign language? We weren't talking to you or about you. Besides, there wouldn't be much point because this gentleman doesn't speak English."
In a recent column you stated that it is extremely rude to speak a foreign language in front of someone who doesn't speak that language. However, what is even more rude is listening to someone else's conversation when they aren't speaking to you. -- DAVE WILLIS, DALLAS
DEAR DAVE: When I said that it's rude to speak a foreign language in front of someone who doesn't speak that language, it was in the context of a social situation in which there were four people. I was not talking about two individuals having a private conversation in a public place.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)