Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Couple Can't Decide Whose House Should Be Their Home
DEAR ABBY: Within the next year I will be getting married to a man who has recently ended a 12-year marriage that was troubled from day one. He and his ex-wife had purchased and lived in a home not far from the one I now own. He has improved his home over the years and the balance on his mortgage is less than half of what I owe on my home.
Since we are both approaching 50, we are seeking to establish ourselves financially after his divorce. He wants us to sell my home and move into his, although my home has greater potential for appreciation because of its location.
A number of friends have said that I should be reluctant to move into the same house he had occupied with his first wife. I have discussed this with him, and he said if selling his home and moving into mine will make me happy, we will do it. He also says there are no good memories of his marriage in that house, so "ghosts" will not be a problem. He promises we will make our own good memories and says it's not the house but what goes on inside it that matters. I'm free to redecorate however I want, and we will make it our home.
Abby, I'm confused. My practical nature tells me that the economics of moving into his home are better for us; my emotional side tells me that we should either move into my house (which has never been shared with anyone) or sell both homes and buy another one. What are your thoughts on this? -- UNDECIDED
DEAR UNDECIDED: If you can swing it financially, I vote for buying a new home.
DEAR ABBY: I read with great interest the letter from the American sailor with the Filipina wife. The lady is jealous of her husband's absences.
I was in the same situation when I was in the Navy and married my wife, also a Filipina. "Sasebo Sailor" needs to get into the local group of Filipinos in our Navy. (Our Navy recruited Filipinos in the Philippines until 1992.) If "Sailor" and his wife became socially involved in this group, she would no longer be anxious when her husband deploys.
The "bamboo pipeline" (Asian gossip) has more connections than any phone company and it's far more efficient. The Filipina (woman) will be assured that her husband is not availing himself of any other women, plus she will have a support network of people from her homeland.
My wife and I have been married for 11 years, are still very much in love, and have learned to live with our cultural differences. There are reasons why many Asian women prefer American men, and there are many American men who are crazy about their Oriental wives. -- JOE CHASSE, SAGINAW, TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: As I left the mall yesterday, I saw three boys no more than 14 years old sitting on the curb smoking!
I don't know why, but I stopped and said: "It makes me sad to see your young lungs being ruined by smoking. If only you could see the people in my condo complex with holes in their chests because they ruined their lungs by smoking, you would never light another cigarette as long as you live."
To my surprise, the three of them put out their cigarettes without saying a word.
I walked away feeling so good. -- PEGGY BERRY, MARGATE, FLA.
DEAR PEGGY: You deserve to feel good. You had the courage to speak up -- and you possibly saved three lives.
FLIP ANSWER TO NOSY QUESTION PROTECTS PRIVACY AND FRIENDSHIP
DEAR ABBY: Your suggestion on how to handle inquisitive people when they ask a personal question is, of course, right on. ("If you will forgive me for not answering, I will forgive you for asking," said with a smile, of course.) However, I feel as rude as the person who asked the question when I use that response.
I finally devised a lighthearted game -- and it always works. For example, here's how I answer the following questions:
Q: How much do you weigh?
A: A little more than I wish I did.
Q: How much did you pay for your house (dress, shoes, etc.)?
A: More than I intended to (or less than I thought I would).
Q: How much is your income (pension, salary, etc.)?
A: Well, so far it's kept me out of the poorhouse (off welfare, whatever).
Abby, of course they would still prefer an answer, but I use such responses in a friendly, playful manner with a smile as often as I'm asked.
Eventually, they stop asking such personal questions and, following a brief miffed silence, we go on as before. (Or at least I do.) If they are my friends, it turns out OK for me and them. Meanwhile, I've retained my privacy without having gotten huffy or rude. -- N.C.B. IN VISTA, CALIF.
DEAR N.C.B.: Thanks for some clever responses to people who ask questions that are none of their business.
DEAR ABBY: I agreed to be a bridesmaid for a friend of mine. She and her boyfriend have been living together for several months.
The wedding is two months away. She just admitted that she is bored and they don't communicate. She said he is rarely interested in sex; they fight; she bosses him around; yet she continues to plan her wedding.
They just bought a house in her name because of his past bankruptcy. I suggested postponing the wedding and getting some counseling. She agreed that she thinks that's what they should do, but then she rationalizes that "no relationship is perfect, and counseling is too expensive." Our friends think she is making a big mistake in going through with the wedding.
As a bridesmaid, I think I should support her, but I really don't. I feel she is taking advantage of all of us, and it's made me question our friendship. Should I continue as if everything is fine, or confront her and withdraw as a bridesmaid?
Please rush your answer. -- TROUBLED BRIDESMAID
DEAR TROUBLED: Your friend may think counseling is expensive, but investing in a marriage that has so little chance of enduring would be far more expensive.
If I were you, I would do everything in my power to convince her to get professional help before the couple marries. The clergyperson who would officiate at the wedding should gladly counsel her and the groom.
DEAR ABBY: "Ohio Photographer" should handle the situation with his friends this way: Draw up an official-looking bill. List his cost for materials (the rolls of film), the standard fee for labor and the cost of subcontracted work (namely the processing fee). Then subtract the cost of subcontracted work as costs assumed by customer. Subtotal the bill, add local sales tax, then total it. Then at the bottom, write "Amount due ... $0.00. My gift to the two of you and my blessings for a long and fruitful marriage."
If that doesn't stop them from looking this gift horse in the mouth, nothing will. Friends who expect more from you than you are willing to give are not friends -- they are liabilities. -- KEVIN R., BAD KREUZNACH, GERMANY
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I had to write in response to "Available in Maine." Girls, if you know this man, or any man like him, grab him! If I didn't know better, I would have sworn you were describing my husband.
I work full time as a schoolteacher and he stays home with our four children. He not only takes excellent care of the kids, he also cleans the house and runs our small farm. The only thing he can't do is cook.
Abby, I just had to tell the ladies out there that there are some absolute gems among men; however, they may not look like a magazine cover. My husband is the most wonderful, patient, loving, generous man a woman could want, but most women wouldn't take the time to find out because of his appearance.
He has very long hair and a full beard and mustache; therefore most people think he is a criminal, a "biker" or some kind of unsavory character. It's a shame more people don't get to know what a really great guy he is. You may use my name. -- KIT CONNALLY, LONE OAK, TEXAS
DEAR KIT: A man can wear his hair down to his shoulders as well as a full beard and mustache, but if it's shampooed and trimmed regularly, he can look like a magazine ad. Besides, you can't judge a book by its cover.
DEAR ABBY: I received an engraved invitation that has me more than a little puzzled. The invitation is to a "commitment ceremony" for two men, followed by a reception at a swanky downtown hotel.
I have been friendly with one of these men for more than 30 years. Only recently he told me he is gay. I do not want to do anything that would offend him, and I have indicated that I will attend the ceremony and reception.
I have no idea of the protocol for such an occasion. While it's not a wedding per se, that is the idea. Do I take a gift? If so, what kind of gift is appropriate? The parties involved are highly successful businessmen -- one is a magazine editor, the other a prominent lawyer. They don't need a blender.
This is a first for me. I want to express my respect for the union my friend and his partner are forming. What would you do, Abby? -- MINNEAPOLIS READER
DEAR READER: I would treat their "commitment ceremony" as though it were a wedding, because that is what it is to them and those who care about them.
Yes, do send a gift. Something for their home would be nice.
DEAR ABBY: I have heard (and known) about showers for the bride for a long time, but never have I heard about any shower to benefit the groom. Just recently I was surprised to receive an invitation to a "tool" shower for my grandson who is engaged and will soon receive his degree in construction management.
I thought this was a great idea. Surely this is an idea that should be more popular. It would benefit all future grooms. -- J.H.S. IN TEXAS
DEAR J.H.S.: While bridal showers and showers for the couple are more common, showers for the groom are not unheard of. I'm sure many brides would cheer if the common (and frequently offensive to them) stag party were replaced by a more practical shower for the groom.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)