For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
FLIP ANSWER TO NOSY QUESTION PROTECTS PRIVACY AND FRIENDSHIP
DEAR ABBY: Your suggestion on how to handle inquisitive people when they ask a personal question is, of course, right on. ("If you will forgive me for not answering, I will forgive you for asking," said with a smile, of course.) However, I feel as rude as the person who asked the question when I use that response.
I finally devised a lighthearted game -- and it always works. For example, here's how I answer the following questions:
Q: How much do you weigh?
A: A little more than I wish I did.
Q: How much did you pay for your house (dress, shoes, etc.)?
A: More than I intended to (or less than I thought I would).
Q: How much is your income (pension, salary, etc.)?
A: Well, so far it's kept me out of the poorhouse (off welfare, whatever).
Abby, of course they would still prefer an answer, but I use such responses in a friendly, playful manner with a smile as often as I'm asked.
Eventually, they stop asking such personal questions and, following a brief miffed silence, we go on as before. (Or at least I do.) If they are my friends, it turns out OK for me and them. Meanwhile, I've retained my privacy without having gotten huffy or rude. -- N.C.B. IN VISTA, CALIF.
DEAR N.C.B.: Thanks for some clever responses to people who ask questions that are none of their business.
DEAR ABBY: I agreed to be a bridesmaid for a friend of mine. She and her boyfriend have been living together for several months.
The wedding is two months away. She just admitted that she is bored and they don't communicate. She said he is rarely interested in sex; they fight; she bosses him around; yet she continues to plan her wedding.
They just bought a house in her name because of his past bankruptcy. I suggested postponing the wedding and getting some counseling. She agreed that she thinks that's what they should do, but then she rationalizes that "no relationship is perfect, and counseling is too expensive." Our friends think she is making a big mistake in going through with the wedding.
As a bridesmaid, I think I should support her, but I really don't. I feel she is taking advantage of all of us, and it's made me question our friendship. Should I continue as if everything is fine, or confront her and withdraw as a bridesmaid?
Please rush your answer. -- TROUBLED BRIDESMAID
DEAR TROUBLED: Your friend may think counseling is expensive, but investing in a marriage that has so little chance of enduring would be far more expensive.
If I were you, I would do everything in my power to convince her to get professional help before the couple marries. The clergyperson who would officiate at the wedding should gladly counsel her and the groom.
DEAR ABBY: "Ohio Photographer" should handle the situation with his friends this way: Draw up an official-looking bill. List his cost for materials (the rolls of film), the standard fee for labor and the cost of subcontracted work (namely the processing fee). Then subtract the cost of subcontracted work as costs assumed by customer. Subtotal the bill, add local sales tax, then total it. Then at the bottom, write "Amount due ... $0.00. My gift to the two of you and my blessings for a long and fruitful marriage."
If that doesn't stop them from looking this gift horse in the mouth, nothing will. Friends who expect more from you than you are willing to give are not friends -- they are liabilities. -- KEVIN R., BAD KREUZNACH, GERMANY
DEAR ABBY: I had to write in response to "Available in Maine." Girls, if you know this man, or any man like him, grab him! If I didn't know better, I would have sworn you were describing my husband.
I work full time as a schoolteacher and he stays home with our four children. He not only takes excellent care of the kids, he also cleans the house and runs our small farm. The only thing he can't do is cook.
Abby, I just had to tell the ladies out there that there are some absolute gems among men; however, they may not look like a magazine cover. My husband is the most wonderful, patient, loving, generous man a woman could want, but most women wouldn't take the time to find out because of his appearance.
He has very long hair and a full beard and mustache; therefore most people think he is a criminal, a "biker" or some kind of unsavory character. It's a shame more people don't get to know what a really great guy he is. You may use my name. -- KIT CONNALLY, LONE OAK, TEXAS
DEAR KIT: A man can wear his hair down to his shoulders as well as a full beard and mustache, but if it's shampooed and trimmed regularly, he can look like a magazine ad. Besides, you can't judge a book by its cover.
DEAR ABBY: I received an engraved invitation that has me more than a little puzzled. The invitation is to a "commitment ceremony" for two men, followed by a reception at a swanky downtown hotel.
I have been friendly with one of these men for more than 30 years. Only recently he told me he is gay. I do not want to do anything that would offend him, and I have indicated that I will attend the ceremony and reception.
I have no idea of the protocol for such an occasion. While it's not a wedding per se, that is the idea. Do I take a gift? If so, what kind of gift is appropriate? The parties involved are highly successful businessmen -- one is a magazine editor, the other a prominent lawyer. They don't need a blender.
This is a first for me. I want to express my respect for the union my friend and his partner are forming. What would you do, Abby? -- MINNEAPOLIS READER
DEAR READER: I would treat their "commitment ceremony" as though it were a wedding, because that is what it is to them and those who care about them.
Yes, do send a gift. Something for their home would be nice.
DEAR ABBY: I have heard (and known) about showers for the bride for a long time, but never have I heard about any shower to benefit the groom. Just recently I was surprised to receive an invitation to a "tool" shower for my grandson who is engaged and will soon receive his degree in construction management.
I thought this was a great idea. Surely this is an idea that should be more popular. It would benefit all future grooms. -- J.H.S. IN TEXAS
DEAR J.H.S.: While bridal showers and showers for the couple are more common, showers for the groom are not unheard of. I'm sure many brides would cheer if the common (and frequently offensive to them) stag party were replaced by a more practical shower for the groom.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WOMAN TIRED OF PUTTING BRAKE ON MEN WHO WANT TEST DRIVE
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 27-year-old woman with many friends and a good job. I have been described by many men as "beautiful."
My problem: I can't keep a boyfriend. The reason: I refuse to have sex before marriage. As a Catholic, I am not allowed premarital sex.
Recently a man I had been dating for four months said he loved me, but he dropped me because I wouldn't have sex with him. He asked, "Would a man in his right mind buy a car without driving it first?"
I'm frustrated and very hurt. I keep looking for decent men, but it seems they are all the same.
Sometimes I wish I were ugly; then I would know that a man liked me for who I am and not for my physical attributes.
Does anyone else have this problem? Am I crazy, or old-fashioned? I'm beginning to think I'll be alone for the rest of my life. -- ALONE IN ANN ARBOR, MICH.
DEAR ALONE: You are neither crazy nor old-fashioned. You are to be admired for refusing to do that which you feel is morally wrong. Plenty of good and decent women -- and men -- remain virgins until they marry.
And by the way, a woman is not an automobile to be taken for a "test drive" first. The man you were dating wasn't a buyer; he was a tire-kicker.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "Very Unhappy," who felt that giving her baby up for adoption was the best thing to do at this stage of her life when she couldn't properly provide for a child and complete her education, too.
You supported her decision to put her child up for adoption, which was excellent advice.
I was adopted when I was 5 days old. My birth mother had made her decision ahead of time to give me up. (That was 41 years ago.) I want to tell "Very Unhappy" that some very grateful couple will be overjoyed to adopt her child for reasons too numerous to list. It takes special people, who desperately want a child, to raise him/her as their own. I am grateful daily for my adoptive parents.
Being a mother myself, I know that admitting you can't properly care for a child is a tremendous decision to make and to live with. It should not be made lightly, but if it's best for the child -- as well as the mother -- then it is the right decision. She is making the ultimate sacrifice of loving her child more than herself.
I wish her the very best and hope she took your advice. -- TRACY L. HOUSTON, NEWPORT NEWS, VA.
DEAR TRACY: So do I. I'll keep you posted if I hear from her again. And I hope I do.
DEAR ABBY: The recent letter concerning respect for funeral processions cracked me up because it reminded me of this story:
Two gentlemen were playing golf near a highway when a funeral procession passed. One gentleman, a very dedicated golfer, laid down his club, removed his hat and bowed his head until the procession passed.
The other gentleman said, "My, that was reverent and thoughtful. That must have been someone you knew."
The first golfer responded, "Yup -- I was married to her for 40 years." -- CURT M. KING, WALNUT CREEK, CALIF.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)