To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Fears Girlfriend's Past Will Trouble Son's Future
DEAR ABBY: I have cried and practically worried myself sick and would appreciate some advice.
My 25-year-old son told us that he and his girlfriend, "Nancy," are getting married this summer. I have met her and she's very nice. Nancy says she wants to finish college and get her degree in business before they marry. (My son hasn't finished college either.)
Nancy is divorced and has a 2 1/2-year-old daughter. I worry that the little girl's father may give my son trouble. I wanted him to have his own child first. My husband says it's our son's decision, not ours.
Abby, I want to feel close to Nancy, but I'm having trouble doing so. My son has always been very good to me, and I am afraid he'll get hurt. The rest of the family approves of this marriage, but I don't. Your advice would be very much appreciated. -- DEPRESSED IN DIXIE
DEAR DIXIE: Our children's choices are not always what we would wish for them, but as adults, they have the right to make their own decisions. If Nancy's ex causes problems, they will be your son's problems, not yours. Sometimes parents must step aside and allow the children to live their own lives.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Hair-Splitting" caused me a smile and some concern. The reader wanted to know how to tell a friend that his hairpiece is the "worst imaginable." I have no suggestions for how she might break the news, but I do have a message for the man wearing the hairpiece.
I began wearing a hairpiece when I was only 14, and just like "John," I was afraid -- afraid of being seen without it, getting it wet, getting it dirty, affording a new one, etc. In short, I was afraid of living.
At 39, I finally found the courage to discard it. I had the complete support of my family, co-workers and members of my church. Getting rid of my hairpiece has given me freedom for the first time in my life. I have been told that I look much better, even by casual acquaintances. That was almost 15 years ago.
I would never recommend that a man who is losing his hair start wearing a hairpiece. He will become a slave to it, just as I was.
I have more fun, feel better and am more relaxed than I ever was when I had that hairpiece stuck on my head. I am upset with the media for implying that one is less of a man without hair. You missed a chance to educate, Abby. -- HAPPILY HAIRPIECE-LESS IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR HAPPILY: Perhaps I did, but the man with the "worst imaginable" hairpiece was not the person writing for advice. He may someday come to the realization that you did -- that the key to being accepted is to accept ourselves as we are, even if we do not conform to Hollywood's or Madison Avenue's ideal of beauty. True freedom comes from being comfortable with who we are and being able to live without pretense. But until that day arrives, I still think his friends would be doing him a favor if they leveled with him.
Low-Riding Furniture Inspires Woman's Higher Launchpad
DEAR ABBY: I was cheered by the letter from Mrs. Virginia Harry calling attention to the fact that some seniors have extreme difficulty rising from low or even normal seats. I too have used end tables as seats in doctors' offices.
After months of embarrassment at frequently having to ask for assistance to get to my feet, I developed a self-help trick: When going out of the house, I carry a tote bag containing two firm cushions. The cushions raise any seat four to five inches. I can use these cushions on the seats of cars and on chairs in offices and restaurants, and I cherish the independence they afford me.
Perhaps some other "mobility impaired" readers will find this helpful until the furniture designers come to our aid. -- HELEN PFAFFENBERGER, SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR HELEN: Thank you for an inventive solution that is easily available to anyone who needs it. Not everyone agreed that redesigning the furniture is the answer for people who have difficulty getting up and down, however. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to Mrs. Virginia Harry, who considers herself among that growing segment of our population known as "the graying of America." She asked that the furniture industry recognize their need for couches and chairs from which they can comfortably rise.
Abby, let the designers of couches and chairs tend to their business as they will, for we CAN comfortably rise, by building strong muscles around those aging bones.
I am an aerobics instructor and personal trainer who loves to work with people 55 to 93 (the age of my oldest participant). Many seniors have abandoned their easy chairs for fitness walks, aerobics and line-dancing classes, and strength training. When they finally do sit down during their busy daily lives, any chair or couch will do, and they have no problem getting back up when it's time.
I hope your readers will consider a weekly exercise regime to help build their strength. What a difference they'll see in a very short time. Here's to health and fitness at any age. -- CANDY CORLEY, FOXBORO, MASS.
DEAR CANDY: I'm printing your letter as a reminder that growing older does not mean becoming sedentary. A healthy, flexible body is available to those who work for it. Of course, consult a physician before beginning any exercise program.
DEAR ABBY: I am a nursing supervisor at a local hospital. I recently received a call from a nurse's husband stating, "My wife will not be in to work today because there's been a death in the family."
I asked the husband in a sincere and compassionate voice, "Oh, I'm very sorry ... who died?" The husband replied, "Uh ... uhh ... Who died?"
I replied, "Yes, who died?" The husband covered the phone and returned several minutes later and said, "Oh, it was her father-in-law."
I expressed my condolences, then innocently asked, "Isn't that your father?" He then said, "Oh, yeah ... my father died."
The lesson to be learned is when dealing with life and death on a Monday morning, be prepared. -- SUZZETTE L. HAACK, SAN DIEGO
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
PREGNANT TEEN HAS NO IDEA WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A MOM
DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old daughter is pregnant and in the ninth grade. Her baby is due in five months. The father is 20. He has been to bed with a schoolmate of hers (also 15), and is now with a different girl on a regular basis. All of them are underage.
Abby, I have raised my daughter with no help or child support since her father and I divorced nine years ago. I worked two jobs and tried to be a good mother. I thought I could trust her. She went to a counselor twice, but refuses to go again.
I suggested she put the baby up for adoption, but she wants the baby and thinks she can take care of it and go to school.
What can I do about this? -- TROUBLED MOM
DEAR MOM: Call the young man and, in as friendly a manner as possible, ask how he intends to provide for his child. Keep the conversation cordial, since you will need his cooperation.
If he refuses to accept his responsibility, the district attorney's office in your city will assist you in getting child support from him. The D.A.'s office can also help you file charges of statutory rape, although the young man would be a better provider if he were out of jail and able to earn decent wages.
In 1990, I published a letter from a teen mother in Phoenix, trying to warn other girls of high school age. Perhaps if you show it to your daughter, she will realize what she can expect if she continues down the road on which she's headed. Read on:
"DEAR ABBY: ... I hear my friends telling me how much they'd like to have a baby, and how they wouldn't mind getting pregnant. All they think of is how much fun it would be to dress the baby and show it off. The truth is, once you have a baby, you don't feel like going out anymore. You don't anticipate the incessant crying, getting up in the middle of the night for feedings, the dirty diapers, the spitting up, the constant washing of clothes and bottles, and most important, the expense.
"I spent $600 in baby-sitting costs alone between March and May just so I could go to school and graduate -- $600 that I didn't have. That meant I had to get a job, which meant more baby-sitting costs.
"I was not, and still am not, emotionally prepared to be a mother. The stress is incredible. For the rest of my life, I am going to be a mother. If I don't feel like being a mother at some point and want to just go out and be an 18-year-old -- a typical teen-ager having fun -- that's too bad, because I will always be a mother first.
"Babies are wonderful gifts from God, but I believe they are meant for people who are emotionally and financially ready for them."
Of course, the purpose of the young mother's letter was to prevent other teen-age girls from having to experience what she was going through. In your daughter's case, it's too late for that. But perhaps when you show this column to her, it will help her to recognize the enormity of the lifelong responsibility she's assuming -- unless she recognizes the wisdom of putting her infant up for adoption. I wish you both the best of luck.
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Call Me William," I wish to quote the following verse that my husband, Bill, was told by his father:
"My mother calls me William,
"My father calls me Will,
"My sister calls me Willie,
"And my friends all call me Bill."
My husband quoted this verse many times when new acquaintances asked him how he preferred to be addressed. -- BILL WOLFORD'S WIDOW, ALICE, IN DAYTONA BEACH
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)