For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Downsized Husband Loses Friends as Well as His Job
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to two of your readers who complained about "ghost syndrome," which occurs when someone suffers a tragedy such as divorce or terminal illness, and formerly supportive friends withdraw or disappear.
My family suffered another kind of tragedy that resulted in the same insensitive treatment. My husband, a highly placed executive, lost his job in 1990 because of company downsizing. We had been part of a large circle of friends. After the layoff it was as though we had caught a contagious disease or had fallen off the face of the earth.
Please let your readers know that the loss of a job is like having the rug pulled out from under you. Illnesses surface, self-esteem plummets, marriages are stressed and a general feeling of hopelessness pervades each day.
It would have been so helpful if a friend had invited us over for dinner, or had taken one of our children to a movie.
My husband and I finally found jobs out of town. We were grateful not only for the income, but also for a chance at a fresh start with the opportunity to make new friends -- because our old ones had vanished. -- LINDA W., FORMERLY OF TOLEDO, OHIO
DEAR LINDA: I'm sure your letter will strike a chord with many of my readers. Job loss is one of the most challenging circumstances a family has to face. It is a time when the compassion and sensitivity of friends and family -- helping with groceries or child care, offering to update a resume, or dropping off a stack of videos for a night of free entertainment -- can make all the difference.
People who care would not wait to be asked, which can be difficult for a family used to taking care of themselves. Such gestures are deeply appreciated and long remembered.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are retired and live in a gated (guarded) community occupied mostly by retired persons.
Our neighbors are lovely people, very friendly and sociable. "Sue" and "Al" are especially nice, and assist us in numerous ways. However, I can't set foot outside my front door without drawing Sue's attention. The minute she sees me, she comes over and initiates a conversation, usually of great length. This happens during the day, at night, on my porch or yard -- anytime I stick my nose outside my front door.
Abby, I like her and her husband very much and try not to hurt their feelings, but the stress is becoming unbearable. I feel like a captive in my own home. I actually dread going out my front door!
How can I convey the message that I don't wish to chat with her every time I am in her sight? It seems she purposely waits for me to come out so she can engage me in conversation. -- DESPERATE IN CARLSBAD
DEAR DESPERATE: Your neighbor could be a lonely woman with few social contacts, or she may be the biggest pest in your gated community. But treat her as you would want to be treated if the situation were reversed.
Make yourself less available for long conversations. Explain gently, but firmly that you have many things to do, and have no time to chat.
Absence Makes Wife's Heart Grow Suspicious of Husband
DEAR ABBY: I am a sailor in the U.S. Navy, stationed in Sasebo, Japan. After serving 11 years of active duty and visiting several different countries as a single sailor, I finally tied the knot with a beautiful Filipino woman I met in Manila. She had been a high school teacher. I love her dearly. She was (and still is) everything I could possibly want in a wife.
Being in the Navy requires me to go out to sea quite often, which puts a hardship on our marriage because of the long separations. We're handling the situation pretty well, and we make up for lost time when I get home.
My problem is my wife. Being from the Philippines, she knows the reputations of sailors in foreign ports. American sailors bring American dollars ashore, and most of them are looking for entertaining ways to spend them. (Most foreign ports have "ladies for hire.") However, I do not, and would never in a million years, cheat on my wife, especially with a lady who just wanted my money.
When I must go to foreign ports, my wife drives me crazy with her suspicions. I have tried my best to convince her that I'm not like the American sailors who have a "sweetheart" in every port.
Abby, can you please advise me on how to put my wife's suspicions to rest? -- SASEBO SAILOR
DEAR SAILOR: If your wife doesn't trust you out of her sight even though you have done nothing to justify her suspicions, your marriage is too fragile to endure.
Arrange for her to see the base chaplain for counseling. She needs to fill her time with activities that she will find rewarding. Since she is a qualified high school teacher, if she's not currently working, perhaps she could do some substitute teaching during your absence.
Keep her busy, or she'll drive you dizzy!
DEAR ABBY: Some time ago, I wrote you about losing my brother. You answered my letter and also enclosed a poem called, "Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep."
I was so moved by that poem, I shared it with my nephew and niece knowing that it would help to heal their grief over the loss of their parents.
Abby, I'm asking you to print it again to help others in the same situation. -- DAVID F. GIBONEY, PHOENIX
DEAR DAVID: "Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep" is one of the most frequently requested poems I have ever printed. I regret that I have never been able to locate the author. Although many people have claimed to have written it, I have never been able to confirm any of the claims. Read on:
"Do not stand at my grave and weep,
"I am not there, I do not sleep.
"I am a thousand winds that blow;
"I am the diamond glints on the snow.
"I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
"I am the gentle autumn's rain.
"When you awaken in the morning's hush,
"I am the swift uplifting rush
"Of quiet birds in circled flight.
"I am the soft star that shines at night.
"Do not stand at my grave and cry.
"I am not there; I did not die."
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Best Advice for 'Other Man' Is to Get on With His Life
DEAR ABBY: We hear so much about "the other woman" and how slim her chances are for getting her lover to leave his wife. But I have never seen my problem in your column. My son is the "other man." Abby, what do you think the chances are that a beautiful girl will leave a very wealthy husband, even though they fight and she professes to truly love my son?
He makes very little money compared to his girlfriend's husband.
I'd like to know if many men out there have ever been in this situation and how they resolved it.
Please don't sign my name or mention the name of my city. My son would "kill" me if he knew he was being discussed in "Dear Abby." But I hate seeing him constantly depressed because he can't marry the girl of his dreams. -- CONCERNED MOTHER
DEAR MOTHER: I have no reliable figures on the number of women who have left rich husbands to pursue true love. One thing is certain, however. If a woman leaves the comforts of wealth for a man of modest means, she must truly love him.
If your son had asked me, I would have given him the same advice that I give to all "other women": "Get on with your life and find an available person to love; the cards are stacked against you." Waiting for a married lover to leave his (or her) spouse, can be the longest wait in the world.
DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, I married a nice man who had been married before. (This is my first marriage.)
I am a professional woman with a demanding career and plenty of money of my own. My husband recently told me that his mother had her other son (who is in law enforcement) run my name through the FBI computer. Of course, they turned up nothing. I am furious! He said his mother did it as a "joke."
I am offended and hurt and no longer want to spend time with his family. Fortunately, he is not very close to them.
The problem I foresee is we would like to have a child. If we do, I'd like to know how I can keep this nasty woman out of our lives. Though my husband knows how I feel about his mother's behavior, she would be the child's only grandparent. And I'm afraid he'd give in and let her run our lives.
Please help me, and do not use my name since this is a small city. -- WORRIED ABOUT THE FUTURE
DEAR WORRIED: Your mother-in-law was a mile out of line, and owes you an apology. I don't blame you for keeping your distance. Since you are concerned about what her role will be should you have children, the best time to come to a meeting of the minds with your husband is now, before the problems presents itself. Reach an agreement now so that you can stand united when the time comes.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)