Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOTHER FEELS SHARP TEETH OF HER THANKLESS DAUGHTERS
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of three children, all over 40. I am 76.
Five years ago, I lost my only son; a year later my husband passed away (both of heart disease). Since their deaths, my daughters have taken a hard and bitter attitude toward me. There was never an offer of help to ease my grief, nor has there been any interest in anything except what I can do for them.
I have watched their children, paid dental bills and made mortgage payments, but there seems to be no feeling of warmth or consideration for me at any time. They scream at me for the least thing. Their visits are brief or none at all. They say they will come to visit me, and they don't show.
I took care of their ailing father for 20 years, with no offer of help from them. Are today's children a different breed from those of us who were taught to honor our parents?
Please don't suggest consulting my minister. I am ashamed to let him know the way my children treat me. I have shed many tears and lost countless hours of sleep fretting and praying about this. Please don't use my name or town for obvious reasons. -- UNWILLING OUTCAST
DEAR OUTCAST: Please stop trying to understand your children; concentrate on taking care of yourself instead. Find friends with whom you can share your pain. Talk to your minister; he will not judge you (clergy of all faiths hear many family secrets) and can help you find solace. Then look for a family who needs a grandmother and "adopt" them. They'll be glad to have you, and you'll be glad you did.
DEAR ABBY: I do volunteer work at the Humane Society to help out with the animals that people have "thrown away." It breaks my heart to see the stream of wonderful, gentle, well-mannered, loving animals that are dropped here because maybe they're not convenient anymore to their owners -- or for whatever reason a person could abandon one who loves them so much.
You frequently remind people to give stuffed animals as gifts rather than living animals, unless they are absolutely certain that the owners will properly care for them. And you also say that "Living creatures are not 'toys' to be mauled, abused or neglected." Hurray for you! People need to be reminded that pets of any sort are feeling creatures and very dependent. They require planning and a long-term commitment even before one decides to bring them home.
Abby, a million thanks for speaking out for those who cannot speak. -- JULIE SENDROWSKI, AVON, COLO.
DEAR JULIE: And a million thanks to you for your heartfelt reminder to any well-meaning reader who may be considering a living creature as a gift.
DEAR ABBY: Recently a child in my husband's family was to undergo surgery. The child's mother asked all of the family members to donate blood. This child has A positive blood, and everyone in my husband's family except him also has A positive blood. My husband's blood type is O positive.
Abby, I am convinced that the people he knows as his parents are not his biological parents. My husband will not mention this to them unless someone more knowledgeable than I tells him it's unlikely that these two people are his parents. I feel it is his right to know who his parents are.
Do you think that the people he believes are his parents actually are? Or do you feel that he should confront them and ask for a DNA test? -- NAMELESS IN ARIZONA
DEAR NAMELESS: Your husband's parents are not hiding anything from him. I checked with Jeffrey Morris, M.D., Ph.D., the director of Long Beach Genetics in Long Beach, Calif., who assured me that two parents with A positive blood can, most definitely, have a child with O positive blood. I vote with the doctor. Stop stirring the pot.
TRAGIC TALE WARNS TEENS ALWAYS TO DRIVE WITH CARE
DEAR ABBY: In June of 1976, you ran a short essay about teen-age drivers. It was called "Please God, I'm Only 17." I know it has probably run several more times since then, but the message is so important, it should be repeated at least once a year.
Our son, who is now 28, was involved in a car accident. His car was totaled, but thank God he survived. If you use this letter in your column, please sign it ... A CONCERNED PARENT, HUNTSVILLE, ALA.
DEAR PARENT: This piece is one of the most powerful that I have ever run in my column, and I still receive many requests for it. Young people have confirmed that it made them think twice about their driving habits and encouraged them to be careful. You are right; it should run at least once a year, so here it is:
PLEASE GOD, I'M ONLY 17
The day I died was an ordinary school day. How I wish I had taken the bus. But I was too cool for the bus. I remember how I wheedled the car out of Mom. "Special favor," I pleaded. "All the kids drive."
When the 2:50 bell rang, I threw all my books in the locker. I was free until 8:40 tomorrow morning! I ran to the parking lot, excited at the thought of driving a car and being my own boss. Free!
It doesn't matter how the accident happened. I was goofing off -- going too fast. Taking crazy chances. But I was enjoying my freedom and having fun. The last thing I remember was passing an old lady who seemed to be going awfully slow. I heard the deafening crash and felt a terrible jolt. Glass and steel flew everywhere. My whole body seemed to be turning inside out. I heard myself scream.
Suddenly I awakened; it was very quiet. A police officer was standing over me. Then I saw a doctor. My body was mangled. I was saturated with blood. Pieces of jagged glass were sticking out all over. Strange that I couldn't feel anything.
Hey, don't pull that sheet over my head! I can't be dead. I'm only 17. I've got a date tonight. I'm supposed to grow up and have a wonderful life. I haven't lived yet. I can't be dead!
Later I was placed in a drawer. My folks had to identify me. Why did they have to see me like this? Why did I have to look at Mom's eyes when she faced the most terrible ordeal of her life? Dad suddenly looked like an old man. He told the man in charge, "Yes, he is my son."
The funeral was a weird experience. I saw all my relatives and friends walk toward the casket. They passed by, one by one, and looked at me with the saddest eyes I've ever seen. Some of my buddies were crying. A few of the girls touched my hand and sobbed as they walked away.
Please -- somebody -- wake me up! Get me out of here! I can't bear to see my mom and dad so broken up. My grandparents are so racked with grief they can hardly walk. My brothers and sisters are like zombies. They move like robots. In a daze, everybody. No one can believe this. And I can't believe it, either.
Please don't bury me! I'm not dead! I have a lot of living to do! I want to laugh and run again. I want to sing and dance. Please don't put me in the ground. I promise if you give me one more chance, God, I'll be the most careful driver in the whole world. All I want is one more chance!
Please, God, I'm only 17!
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
ISSUE OF ASSISTED SUICIDE RAISES CONCERNS AMONG THE DISABLED
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to your column regarding physician aid-in-dying. Legalized assisted suicide is seen by many as death with dignity -- an end to suffering for terminally ill people who have rationally thought through their options and have made a very personal choice.
History supports the fact that society does not value equally the lives of people with disabilities and those without. During the formative years of the effort to legalize assisted suicide, members of the disabled community voiced philosophical concerns about the dangers to people with disabilities.
Dr. Kevorkian has clearly demonstrated he isn't concerned with whether or not the conditions of his "patients" are terminal. He was recently acquitted of aiding the suicide of a 30-year-old man who had recently become a quadriplegic. Did anyone make a concerted effort to counsel the man for depression, to look closely at the reasons he thought his life wasn't worth living? Maybe he needed peer counseling to address the fears most people have about being disabled, fears about not having adequate support, resources and opportunities necessary to achieve a quality life.
The disabled community has legitimate concerns. While recent court decisions have upheld assisted suicide only for competent, terminally ill adults, Judge Stephen Reinhardt, when he wrote for the majority in the decision of the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, also said that death is more humane than continuing to live in "a childlike state of helplessness."
Needing assistance using the toilet, eating and bathing do not connote helplessness, nor preclude having a quality life unless you don't have access to the help you need. Needing help is a far cry from being terminally ill. When an able-bodied person attempts suicide, his or her choice is considered irrational. When a disabled person attempts suicide, the act is more readily judged "sane." After all, if you're not physically functional, how could life be worth living?
The dangers of assisted suicide to the disabled community are enormous as long as doctors, judges and juries continue to cast doubt on the worth of people with disabilities. -- MARY ANN JONES, ACTING EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, WESTSIDE CENTER FOR INDEPENDENT LIVING INC.
DEAR MS. JONES: I have the utmost respect for WCIL and the work it does in helping people with disabilities live independently, and I realize the importance of informing my readers about the concerns of the disabled regarding assisted suicide.
I have always believed that the disabled should be treated with compassion and respect, and helped to live in the mainstream of society.
We should at the same time, however, heed the cry of the terminally ill who are of sound mind and who request aid in dying. The Hemlock Society, which I mentioned in a recent column on this subject, is concerned about the patient who is depressed. For that reason, it proposes that not only must the terminal medical condition be clearly established, but also that patients receive counseling from a mental health professional before any decision is made about aid in dying.
Concern for the terminally ill in no way diminishes our responsibility to people who are disabled.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)