What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
TRACING FAMILY HISTORY HELPS ADULT ADOPTEES FIND IDENTITY
DEAR ABBY: I loved the recent letter from the woman who received a family history from her grandmother as a Christmas gift. You responded that a family history is a treasured gift. I agree with you completely. However, there is an aspect of having a family history that many people do not think is necessary. I am referring to the need for some adult adoptees to know about their birth family.
My husband is an adoptee in his late 40s. He was a teacher for more than 20 years and is now a middle school administrator. We raised a handicapped child who, for many years, was the top priority in our lives. She is now grown and is also a teacher.
My husband did not search for his birth family until he was well over 40 years old. We knew nothing about these people. What we found was a wonderful family genealogy of his birth family that revealed pioneer Virginia families, and birth grandparents who were educators. We worked hard to trace the birth family back to the 1700s.
When adoptees search for their heritage, it is an act of fulfillment, not necessarily to disrupt the birth families. We have had the pleasure of meeting most of my husband's birth relatives, but the discovery of his "roots" has really been the best of bonuses. My husband was raised an only child. Now he has two wonderful half-brothers who have been fascinated with their family history that we found, parts of which they were unaware of.
Abby, thank you for any support that you can give adult adoptees who want to know about their families of origin. It gives them courage when others see why all aspects of family are important to the adult adoptee. -- AN ADOPTEE'S WIFE IN RICHMOND, VA.
DEAR WIFE: My heart aches for the many "older" people who were adopted as infants, but because their families falsely regarded the circumstances of their birth (unwed mothers) as somehow disgraceful, they have been denied information concerning their parentage.
DEAR ABBY: Regarding "Hurting and Hoping, Fort Worth, Texas," whose son mysteriously disappeared five years ago, leaving his family to wonder if he was dead or alive: I had the same experience.
My son was staying at my sister's home when he went out one evening and never returned. At first we assumed it was a temporary disappearance, but as time went on, we realized it was for real.
For five years, I heard not one word, and I visualized everything from prison to death. The anxiety of not knowing is indescribable. Finally around the fifth year, I gave up and said to my Lord, "I am turning it over to you"; then I put it out of my mind.
In September of the fifth year, I received a letter, and the thrill of recognizing his handwriting on an envelope made my heart want to jump right out of my chest! His letter said that he was coming home and would be at the airport at a certain time on a specific day.
Of course I was there to meet him, and I have never questioned him as to where he had been or the reason for his silence. I felt that since the Lord had answered my prayers, who was I to question him?
He is now a respectable young man, holding a good job and sending me letters of appreciation constantly.
So to "Hurt and Hoping," don't give up. Keep praying. -- FAITHFUL FROM FRESNO
DEAR FAITHFUL: Thank you for writing. Your letter is a testament to the power of faith, hope and prayer.
Full-Time Mom Gets Respect With Simple Change of Title
DEAR ABBY: I am a full-time mother of two precious children -- a 3-year-old and a 6-month-old -- and I absolutely love my job. Although there is no material compensation, the rewards are very sweet.
However, it has become clear to me that there is not much respect for those of us who choose to stay home and put our careers on hold. I can't tell you how many times I've been asked, "So when are you going back to work?" These people do not seem to understand that I work 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It's not all fun and games; there's a lot of hard work involved in raising two children.
This job is not meant for everyone, but I resent the lack of respect I am shown. I respect those who choose to work outside the home and feel that I deserve the same. Perhaps those who think this job is easy and trivial should try it for a few weeks. Spending a few days in my house would definitely change their outlook.
I have decided that we full-time mothers need a new title. I started telling people that I am an "investment broker" -- I specialize in futures. It has raised more than a few eyebrows and I no longer hear the rude comments. -- CARA BOUDREAUX, TEXAS CITY, TEXAS
DEAR CARA: I appreciate your pointing out that full-time mothers are "investment brokers." It reminds me of Roseanne's first appearance on the Johnny Carson show when she described herself as a "domestic engineer."
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 28-year-old female. I have a college education, make a good living, teach aerobics, and people tell me I'm beautiful.
I have had dates, but I just can't seem to "connect" with anyone. This is a very painful and lonely way to live.
My alcoholic mother rejected me when I was a child, but my siblings were accepted. My father was a harsh, critical man who rarely praised us kids or showed any affection. I've tried therapy and would like to go again, but can't right now because I live overseas.
When strangers learn that I'm not married, they sometimes ask me why. I am too ashamed to admit I'm single because no one wants me, and I can't think of an appropriate answer. Abby, what should I say? -- NEEDS HELP FAR FROM HOME
DEAR NEEDS HELP: It is not necessary to give a detailed explanation about why you are still unattached. Just smile and say that you haven't met the right man. (It's the truth.)
Because you feel you would benefit from more counseling, but it is not available where you are, I urge you to seek out an Al-Anon Family Group for support. These groups are fellowships for relatives and friends of alcoholics. It's an established fact that alcoholism is a family disease, and you have been affected by it. (Everyone growing up with an alcoholic parent is affected in some way.)
Trouble with relationships is common for those who lived in an alcoholic environment as a child. Al-Anon helps adult children of alcoholics heal the emotional scars that can leave lingering pain and affect personal relationships, self-esteem and a sense of family life.
Al-Anon chapters are worldwide, and literature is available in French, German, Portuguese, Spanish and English. Like AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), Al-Anon is as near as your telephone book. Please check it out and let me know what you think.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Good Story Is Bad History, We Learn to Our Chagrin
DEAR ABBY: I read your column and find it entertaining and often educational. But I think you have a problem. Today I read a "true" story in your column about a woman who couldn't remember the name of someone she ran into on the street. As she racked her brain, the other lady mentioned something about her brother. Figuring it might give her a clue to the lady's identity, the woman asked, "Your dear brother -- what is he doing these days?"
"He's still president of the United States," she replied. (She was Calvin Coolidge's sister.)
Well, Abby, that's a cute story, but it cannot possibly be true. President Coolidge's only sister died in 1890, many years before he became president in 1923.
If you print this, please do not use my name. -- TEXAS READER
DEAR TEXAS READER: Well, hit me with a history book -- but please, not too hard because I'm beginning to feel like a battered woman. I apologize for the error.
DEAR ABBY: Regarding "Frank's Wife in Springfield, Va.," whose husband wouldn't help with the thank-you notes for their wedding gifts: Thank you for printing her letter. It makes me realize once again how fortunate I am.
My husband and I have been married for almost six months. Not only did he help me address and mail all 250 of our wedding invitations, he also willingly helped me write and mail all of our thank-you notes. I'm a very lucky woman and say a prayer of thanks each night before I go to sleep.
My husband cooks most of the meals (he is an excellent cook, I might add) and helps me clean up afterward. On the weekends, he might do something with a friend from work, but only if it doesn't interfere with something that we might do together. This includes going to church, going shopping and cleaning our home.
He does little things for me all the time, and brings me little surprises such as my favorite snack or a bouquet of flowers. "Anything to make you happy," he says. I hope he realizes that he can't possibly make me any happier than he made me six months ago.
I don't think this is something that will soon pass. My husband and I dated for many years before we were married, and he treated me this way when we were dating.
I wanted to send you a new twist to the "husband" letters. Your single female readers need to know that thoughtful, wonderful men do exist. -- DAVID'S WIFE IN TENNESSEE
DEAR DAVID'S WIFE: Thanks for the reminder. From time to time I get letters from men telling me they are disillusioned because they were taught to treat women with respect, and for that they have gotten nothing but rejection. You knew how to recognize a man with quality. May you both enjoy many healthy, happy years together.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)