For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mother Struggles to Tell Kids That Dad's 'Trip' Was to Jail
DEAR ABBY: I would appreciate your advice on a problem that has been a nightmare for me. My husband is in prison. He will be serving time for the next 10 to 15 years for a crime he did not commit. My biggest problem has been how to deal with our two children, who are 6 and 8.
They have been very close to their father, and for the past year, they have sort of "accepted" his absence because I told them he's away on a business trip and will be home soon. They talk to him on the phone once a week. I am now considering going back to my country with the kids where I'll be closer to my family and friends.
Should I tell my kids that their dad can't come with us because he can't leave his business? Or should I tell them the truth?
I fear they will be unable to handle the truth at their ages. They think prison is a place for "bad" people, and I'm afraid it will kill them to find out that's where their dad is. Also, what will they say to their classmates if others ask them, "Where is your father?"
My instinct is to hold off until my kids are old enough to handle the situation. But if I wait, will they resent me for not telling them sooner? If I lie to our kids, I couldn't bring them with me to visit their father.
I love my husband very much and have to deal with this pain, too. But deceiving my children is the deepest hurt of all. Please don't print my real name if you put this in your column. -- A CANADIAN READER
DEAR CANADIAN READER: To quote Sir Walter Scott, "Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" I urge you to tell your children that their father has been sent to prison for a crime he did not commit.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 36-year-old married woman. I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful children. I have everything I want in life, except for the fact that we live far away from our families and friends, although we see them often.
When I get together with old friends, I become very nostalgic and have the urge to get in touch with one of my old boyfriends.
Abby, is there anything wrong with this? Is there anything wrong with wanting to know how he is and what he has done with his life? -- NOSTALGIC IN SPRINGFIELD, VA.
DEAR NOSTALGIC: It is only natural to let your mind wander back to the years when you were footloose and fancy-free -- and even romantically involved with someone else. Getting in touch with an old "flame" may seem innocent, but it could start a fire that is not easily extinguished.
Play it safe -- steer clear of old flames and you'll never get singed.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter is dating a 28-year-old man who was picked up for indecent exposure about two weeks ago. This is the second time, according to police. My daughter has two young children, and I'm afraid she may leave them alone with him.
Abby, is he a danger to the children? Please answer soon. He doesn't have a court date as yet. -- GRANDMOTHER IN UTICA, MICH.
DEAR GRANDMOTHER: Let me put it this way: If there is any question in your mind or your daughter's -- the children should NOT be left alone with this man.
Man Stays Married for Money Despite Woman's Offer of Love
DEAR ABBY: I am 44 and have been divorced for two years. I recently met a very attractive man who has been unhappily married for 25 years. The only reason he is not divorced is money -- it would break him.
I went to bed with him on our first date, and it was wonderful for both of us. After that we saw each other almost every night for two months. Then he said we were getting "too close," and suggested that we end our relationship and just be "friends."
I explained that I was in love with him and couldn't be his "friend." I know he has feelings for me, but he's too stubborn to admit it.
I have not been with any other men since I met him. I've called him a few times, and can tell by his voice that he still cares for me. I asked him if he still loves me and he said, "It doesn't matter -- we just can't see each other anymore."
Abby, why is money more important than his true feelings? He is in his 50s and has everything a man could want, but he doesn't have the love I'm offering him. What should I do? -- CONFUSED AND HURTING
DEAR CONFUSED AND HURTING: Keep looking for a man who's available. Not every man is willing to sacrifice everything for "love." This one may care about you -- but he cares more about the assets he's accumulated and is unwilling to divide them to pursue a future with you.
DEAR ABBY: I have had enough of the letters from people who ask you to fight their battles for them. I am referring to those who ask you to print a column on what not to say to overweight people, what not to say to a recent widow or widower, and what to say (or not say) to a childless couple, etc.
Abby, your advice to them should be to tell people exactly how they feel instead of waiting for you to tell them.
When my beautiful 5-year-old daughter lost all her hair when she had chemotherapy for cancer, I didn't write to Abby and ask her to tell people to be more sensitive to those who suffer from cancer.
I politely told people my daughter was recovering from cancer. When she was confined to a wheelchair, we took her to the mall to window-shop and ignored those who stared and asked questions.
And by the way, I think "Sympathetic in Seattle's" sister-in-law should be more sympathetic to those of us who have lost a child. I hope she'll never know firsthand what a terrible comparison she makes insisting that failure to conceive a child is the same as losing a child in death. I respect the fact that she's disappointed and upset, but she's comparing a paper cut to a gunshot wound.
Believe me, if I ever heard her say that, I'd tell her that to her face and not wait for Abigail Van Buren to write it in her column. -- PEEVED IN PENNSYLVANIA
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
ANGRY WIDOW FEELS BETRAYED BY NEPHEW'S SNEAKY BEHAVIOR
DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, my brother, "Leonard," stayed with me while he was in the process of getting a divorce. His son, "Craig," visited him several times. On one of those visits, Craig received an invitation to dinner, and because he had not brought a tie, I loaned him one of my late husband's ties. I also loaned him one of my husband's rings.
For some reason, Craig had the ring appraised the next day, and asked to take it with him to show his girlfriend. He promised to return it on his next visit. When he came again, he claimed to have forgotten to bring it with him.
After my brother got his divorce, he found his own apartment and I never saw Craig again, although I frequently took meals to my brother and stayed with him for several days in a row when he became very ill. Craig never called or visited his sick father.
Leonard died last month. A few days later, when I went to his apartment, I found it empty -- Craig had cleaned it out and didn't leave me even one memento of my beloved brother.
I called Craig to insist that he return my husband's ring. He said, "Oh, I lost that ring years ago."
Abby, I can't afford a lawyer to help me get the ring back, and even if I could afford one, Craig, a pharmacist, would probably fight me for it. I'm not so concerned about the monetary value as I am the sentimental value, but if he sold it or lost it, he should pay me for it.
I want Craig to see my letter in your column and feel ashamed for taking a ring that means so much to me. -- NO RING, NO BROTHER, NO FAIR
DEAR NO FAIR: To make sure Craig sees his shameful behavior in print, send him this column. But don't count on getting your ring back unless you take legal action. A judgment in small claims court may force him to return the ring or be in trouble with the law. Good luck.
DEAR ABBY: Last Friday night, my 14-year-old daughter, "Amy," baby-sat for one of her regular customers. When she got home around midnight, she was visibly shaken. "Jane," the mother of the child Amy was watching, was drunk when she drove my daughter home. The drive, which should have taken 10 minutes, had taken 45 minutes because Jane kept swerving and making wrong turns that took her away from where she was supposed to be going.
I instructed my daughter to refuse to ride with any parent who had been drinking. She is to call me to come get her when she suspects a parent isn't sober.
Abby, I remember encountering that problem as a girl. It's not easy for a teen to know when an adult has been drinking and to refuse to get in the car.
Adults should be responsible enough not to take a child's life into their hands. Unfortunately, when people have been drinking, their judgment is impaired, so parents should insist that when in doubt, their children call home for a ride. -- WORRIED MOTHER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR WORRIED MOTHER: Every parent should insist that their children refuse to ride with anyone who has been drinking. And that goes for adults, too. While it may anger the driver, better an angry driver than a serious -- or fatal -- accident.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)