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by Abigail Van Buren

Dad Does Not Take Lightly Marriage to a Heavyweight

DEAR ABBY: My personal frustration with today's impersonal communications systems led me to write the enclosed poem. It was printed in my local newspaper, and is also posted in the library. It gets lots of laughs -- and is yours to print if you see fit. -- RAE LUDWIG, PLEASANTVILLE, N.J.

DEAR RAE: It's a hoot -- and well worth sharing.

DIAL 'F' FOR FRUSTRATION

The frustrating non-communication of today's fax, e-mail and telephone systems leads me to peer into the future:

You have reached your doctor.

If it's your head, press 1 NOW.

If it's your stomach, press 2 NOW.

If it's your heart, press 3 NOW.

If you've died while waiting, press 4 NOW

and the morgue will be over to pick you up.