To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Street Used as Parking Lot Drives Neighbor to Distraction
DEAR ABBY: I live in a quiet bedroom community that is mostly occupied by families with teen-agers who are starting to drive and have cars of their own. Many of these families are unable to park their cars in their garages because the garages are full of accumulated items they are storing (not cars), so the cars are now flowing onto the streets.
My problem: The space in front of my house has now become a temporary storage place for unused cars.
When I return from work at the end of the day, I often notice that there are no cars on the street except for two that are parked in front of my house. It's not unusual for the cars to be left two or three days. There is room in front of the neighbors' house to park, and I don't know why they don't park there. There have been times when a neighbor has left town for a holiday and left a car in front of my house for three weeks.
As a result, when my friends come over to visit, they end up having to park down the street.
I don't think I can wait another two or three years until these teen-agers fly the coop. What is the neighborhood etiquette for parking cars? -- FRUSTRATED HOMEOWNER
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your young neighbors have no way of knowing that they are causing you a problem unless you tell them. Be diplomatic, but let them know that leaving their cars parked in front of your home prevents your guests from having easy access to your property. If that doesn't resolve the problem, a word to their parents would be the next step.
DEAR ABBY: At the post office today, I noticed a little girl who appeared to be about 3 years old. She was running around with a ballpoint pen sticking out of her mouth. I'm old enough to know that if you take chances, the worst can happen, so I approached the child's mother.
"It's none of my business," I said, "but something tragic could happen if your daughter tripped and fell with that pen in her mouth."
The mother said, "I know, but I also know my daughter and I'm willing to take that chance." She might as well have said, "Mind your own business."
A short time later, I was in the grocery store. A young woman left her purse (which wasn't zipped) in her shopping cart and walked away for a moment. I wanted to tell her that it was a very risky thing to do, but because of the earlier incident I said nothing. Was I wrong? -- OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER
DEAR OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER: Many people appreciate a polite reminder when they are displaying a lapse in common sense. The attitude of the mother in the post office was inexcusable. But I'm sure the woman in the grocery store would have preferred that you mentioned her unguarded handbag rather than see someone running off with it. As long as you're polite and not meddlesome, I see no harm in speaking up.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to offer this suggestion to any single who would like to beat the holiday blues.
Don't deny yourself the pleasure of your own company. If, despite your best efforts, you anticipate being alone on a holiday, make plans to go out and do something you enjoy.
Being alone can offer surprising dividends. Although the company of friends is pleasant, solitude can enable you to experience things in a more focused manner. -- SAN ANTONIO SINGLE ROSE
DEAR ROSE: I agree. "Alone" and "lonely" are not synonymous. A wise individual makes the most of the moment.
MOM'S EMBRACE OF YOUNGER MAN HAS WHOLE FAMILY UP IN ARMS
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law is 84 years young. She is dating a 58-year-old man. They met 18 months ago and see each other every night. On weekends he picks her up and they go to his place from Friday until late Sunday evening. This man says they are compatible.
"How can this be?" my husband and I ask. At times she doesn't even remember being with him the entire day before.
Abby, this man is younger than her four sons. Each of them has tried to talk to their mother about this relationship. She sometimes "hints" that the relationship is sexual, making comments like, "Well, at least I don't have to worry about getting pregnant."
She can't be talked to or reasoned with, because she starts screaming that her family is "jealous" and trying to "break them up."
We're at our wit's end and don't know where to turn. She has money. He has none. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts if you can offer any advice. -- READY FOR THE BOOBY HATCH, JACKSONVILLE, FLA.
DEAR READY FOR THE BOOBY HATCH: If your 84-year-old mother-in-law's memory is impaired to the point that she doesn't remember having spent the previous day with her gentleman friend, one wonders how she is handling the rest of her affairs. Is this the way she has always behaved?
If the answer is no, she may be due for an evaluation by her physician to determine if she is still capable of handling her financial affairs. If a medical examination confirms that her memory lapses are severe, the family lawyer should be consulted to ensure that she cannot be taken advantage of financially.
Once that precaution has been taken, I see no reason why your mother-in-law shouldn't continue a relationship that both she and her friend enjoy.
DEAR ABBY: I have planned my last party. Out of 45 invitations mailed out, we had three RSVPs! The invitations clearly stated a date by which we needed a response, and still only a tiny percentage complied.
My husband and I would not have been as upset if those 42 people had called with their regrets. But sitting around and wondering how many, if any, people are going to show up is nerve-wracking. I had no idea how many people to prepare for, or whether we needed to rent tables, chairs, etc.
The same thing happened with our wedding invitations. They included a response card and a self-addressed, stamped envelope (all they had to do was indicate whether they were coming or not, and put it in the mail), but many people never responded to the invitation. Some showed up without letting me know they were coming, and others failed to show when they said they would.
Has something changed? Why do people think it's OK not to respond to an invitation when specifically asked to do so? -- FED UP IN MILWAUKEE
DEAR FED UP: Nothing has changed. "R.S.V.P." stands for "repondez s'il vous plait," and translates to "please respond." To ignore an invitation, and neither accept it nor politely refuse, is inexcusable. It takes only a moment to make a call or return a written reply. However, if people haven't responded in a reasonable period of time, I see nothing wrong with calling them and asking if their decision is "yea" or "nay." As a host or hostess, you need to know how many guests to prepare for.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
Teen Gives Mom Ammunition for Their Battleground at Home
DEAR ABBY: My youngest daughter, "Martha," is 18 and has moved back home after two months on her own. I never knew how much I valued my privacy until my husband and I had a chance to spend time alone. Now my life has been turned upside down.
Don't misunderstand me. I love Martha with all my heart and would be devastated if any harm came to her. But she uses my perfume every day because she doesn't want to buy her own and "borrows" my clothes at will. Every night I have to retrieve my belongings from her room.
If I talk to my husband about our daughter, he defends her. If I confront Martha, she runs to Daddy. The tension around here is causing friction between my husband and me.
The other night, Martha came home at 1:30 a.m. and proceeded to fix herself a snack in the kitchen, waking me up. The next morning at 5:30 a.m., I turned on the stereo, turned on the lights and made so much noise that nobody in the house could sleep. My husband thinks I have lost my mind, but I'm determined that my daughter is going to have a dose of her own medicine.
This girl pays no rent and brings home $200 a week. The only thing we ask of her in the way of housework is that she keep her bathroom clean. We insist that she contribute $25 per week for food and purchase all of her personal items. So far, she has paid on time, but she is starting to run out of supplies in her bathroom, and I'm sure they'll appear on our grocery list on Friday.
How am I going to keep peace in my home? Am I being petty, as my husband says? This could destroy my marriage if it continues. Please help me. -- HELL ON THE HOME FRONT IN FLORIDA
DEAR HELL ON THE HOME FRONT: Since your daughter was away from home for only two months before returning, I have to wonder how you coped before she left. However, since she is employed, you are doing the right thing to charge her for food and insist that she purchase her own personal items. It will help ease her into the financial realities of being on her own.
Difficult economic conditions are keeping many adult children in their parents' home. But remember, it is your home. A grown child lives with you by privilege, not by right.
If the friction continues, you and your husband might consider subsidizing her in an apartment of her own. The continued success of your marriage could depend on it.
DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "Alone in Ann Arbor, Mich.," who wants to save sex until after marriage, but was being pressured by men who wouldn't see her anymore unless she had sex with them. They wanted to take a "test drive" before they made a bigger commitment.
Well, I am a 27-year-old male virgin and I don't understand why more people can't grasp the logic that sex before marriage is not a good idea, not just because of AIDS or questions of morality, but because of wanting to have a relationship that will last in the long run.
No lasting relationship can be based on how good the sex is, because one day the sex is going to slow down or even run out. What you're left with after that had better be pretty solid, or you may as well start shopping for a divorce lawyer while you're shopping for the ring. I know that if I can say I want to marry someone and, in effect, spend the rest of my life with her without ever having had sex with her, the sex is only going to make that relationship better.
Has no one else seen the correlation between the increase in premarital sex and the increase of divorce in the past 20 years? I'd bet my life that there's a direct relationship between the two. It seems to me that the problem is that people think love should be based on sex, when it's actually the other way around.
I congratulate "Alone in Ann Arbor" and every other person who, for whatever reason, has the determination and wisdom to abstain from sex until they're married. -- NO NAME, GREENVILLE, S.C.
DEAR NO NAME: And I congratulate you on your clear-headed thinking.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)