Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Teen Gives Mom Ammunition for Their Battleground at Home
DEAR ABBY: My youngest daughter, "Martha," is 18 and has moved back home after two months on her own. I never knew how much I valued my privacy until my husband and I had a chance to spend time alone. Now my life has been turned upside down.
Don't misunderstand me. I love Martha with all my heart and would be devastated if any harm came to her. But she uses my perfume every day because she doesn't want to buy her own and "borrows" my clothes at will. Every night I have to retrieve my belongings from her room.
If I talk to my husband about our daughter, he defends her. If I confront Martha, she runs to Daddy. The tension around here is causing friction between my husband and me.
The other night, Martha came home at 1:30 a.m. and proceeded to fix herself a snack in the kitchen, waking me up. The next morning at 5:30 a.m., I turned on the stereo, turned on the lights and made so much noise that nobody in the house could sleep. My husband thinks I have lost my mind, but I'm determined that my daughter is going to have a dose of her own medicine.
This girl pays no rent and brings home $200 a week. The only thing we ask of her in the way of housework is that she keep her bathroom clean. We insist that she contribute $25 per week for food and purchase all of her personal items. So far, she has paid on time, but she is starting to run out of supplies in her bathroom, and I'm sure they'll appear on our grocery list on Friday.
How am I going to keep peace in my home? Am I being petty, as my husband says? This could destroy my marriage if it continues. Please help me. -- HELL ON THE HOME FRONT IN FLORIDA
DEAR HELL ON THE HOME FRONT: Since your daughter was away from home for only two months before returning, I have to wonder how you coped before she left. However, since she is employed, you are doing the right thing to charge her for food and insist that she purchase her own personal items. It will help ease her into the financial realities of being on her own.
Difficult economic conditions are keeping many adult children in their parents' home. But remember, it is your home. A grown child lives with you by privilege, not by right.
If the friction continues, you and your husband might consider subsidizing her in an apartment of her own. The continued success of your marriage could depend on it.
DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "Alone in Ann Arbor, Mich.," who wants to save sex until after marriage, but was being pressured by men who wouldn't see her anymore unless she had sex with them. They wanted to take a "test drive" before they made a bigger commitment.
Well, I am a 27-year-old male virgin and I don't understand why more people can't grasp the logic that sex before marriage is not a good idea, not just because of AIDS or questions of morality, but because of wanting to have a relationship that will last in the long run.
No lasting relationship can be based on how good the sex is, because one day the sex is going to slow down or even run out. What you're left with after that had better be pretty solid, or you may as well start shopping for a divorce lawyer while you're shopping for the ring. I know that if I can say I want to marry someone and, in effect, spend the rest of my life with her without ever having had sex with her, the sex is only going to make that relationship better.
Has no one else seen the correlation between the increase in premarital sex and the increase of divorce in the past 20 years? I'd bet my life that there's a direct relationship between the two. It seems to me that the problem is that people think love should be based on sex, when it's actually the other way around.
I congratulate "Alone in Ann Arbor" and every other person who, for whatever reason, has the determination and wisdom to abstain from sex until they're married. -- NO NAME, GREENVILLE, S.C.
DEAR NO NAME: And I congratulate you on your clear-headed thinking.
RUNNERS' ATTIRE DESIGNED FOR FUNCTION, NOT FASHION
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Roger From Walnut Creek, Calif.," I was so furious I had to respond.
In Roger's opinion, "99 percent" of female runners wear sports attire that leaves little to the imagination in the hopes of attracting the attention of men.
I am a female runner who lives in Texas where the summers are extremely hot and humid. Running with heavy clothing is not only uncomfortable, it's also dangerous because there is no chance for the skin to breathe. I run anywhere from 4 to 6 miles, and in the summer this is often sheer torture. However, I and other female athletes continue to train in order to maintain health and fitness.
To suggest that we run in skimpy attire because we are seeking attention from men is just plain ignorant. There are a number of ways to get attention from men without putting oneself through a grueling workout in suffocating heat. Women receive catcalls and wolf whistles whether they wear shorts or baggy sweats. Most women find this "attention" childish, immature and often downright scary.
I feel sure Roger is not a runner. If I am wrong, I'd like to invite him to come to Texas next July and run 5 miles with me. I will wear my so-called skimpy outfit and he can wear his sweats. We'll see who collapses first. My guess is it will be Mr. Big Mouth. -- THERESA SIBLEY, FORT WORTH, TEXAS
DEAR THERESA: Roger's letter rankled other female runners, who were quick to point out that their sportswear can affect the quality of their performance. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to "Roger From Walnut Creek, Calif.," who thinks women runners wear tight clothes so that men will look at them.
Abby, Roger needs therapy! I run every day with several other women, and we wear EXERCISE CLOTHING. The form-fitting lycra/spandex material allows for greater range of motion and the breathable fabric keeps the athlete drier, which adds to comfort. Greater comfort, better performance. What we are focused on is comfort and performance, not attracting attention from men.
Please tell Roger that women have better things to do than collecting catcalls from strangers. Maybe he should get out of his easy chair and try a little exercise himself. On second thought, we're better off if guys like Roger stay inside! -- JUDY B., PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR ABBY: This is also in response to "R.H.G. in Elm Grove, Wis.," who wrote to say that her mother would not wear hearing aids because she thought they would make her look old.
She has things turned around. It's being hard of hearing that makes people think you're old. Don't fool yourself; they will figure out quickly that you are hard of hearing, or worse yet, they'll think you're senile because you respond incorrectly to questions.
Since I often didn't answer questions or enter conversations, many thought I was a snob. The truth was I hadn't heard them.
Thirty years ago when I got my first hearing aids, they changed my life. My whole world became a beautiful place full of sounds. I laughed and talked more -- and I became an active participant in what was going on around me.
So, to your readers I say: Hurry to your phone and call for an appointment with an otolaryngologist. (That's a doctor who specializes in ear, nose and throat problems.) You will never be sorry. -- AN 83-YEAR-OLD GREAT-GRANDMOTHER WHO IS GLAD TO BE HEARING HER GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, INDIO, CALIF.
DEAR GREAT-GRANDMOTHER: Now that people are living longer and enjoying their golden years more, your advice should be sweet music to many.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOM BECOMES TOO AMICABLE FOLLOWING DAUGHTER'S DIVORCE
DEAR ABBY: My problem is my mother and my ex-husband. When "Steve" and I divorced two years ago, there were a lot of hard feelings. My mother is aware of this because I was living with her at the time.
Abby, my mother constantly takes Steve's side over mine. She repeatedly "reminds" me how lucky I am that Steve pays child support and has regular visits with our daughter. I agree that I am luckier than most divorced mothers. But when I discuss any problem I might be having with Steve, Mom takes his side and says, "He pulls his own weight."
What I would like Steve to do is to take more responsibility for our daughter. She stays with him two days a week, but you can bet that on one of those days he will have something else to do -- like work, a date or a ballgame. Then he asks Mom to baby-sit our daughter and Mom readily agrees. When I ask her to baby-sit for me, she immediately wants to know why. When Steve drops our daughter off at Mom's house, family members tell me that he usually spends up to an hour visiting with her. I think this is strange behavior.
What is this "thing" between my ex-husband and my mom? She didn't think he was so great when we were married. Why the sudden change? Is this my ex's way of staying involved in my life? When I ask Mom about this she gets defensive, or ignores me, or hangs up on me. -- CONFUSED DAUGHTER, METAIRIE, LA.
DEAR CONFUSED: Your mother is walking a tightrope between remaining cordial with your "ex," being loyal to you and being a good grandmother. She may go a little overboard defending Steve, but she may also be playing the "devil's advocate," pointing out his good features so that you will eventually have a civil relationship.
Although Steve is no longer your husband, that doesn't mean he can't be a friend of your mother's. Because you share custody of your child, Steve will always be in your life to some degree. Try to accept it and go on with your life.
DEAR ABBY: I am a male in my mid-30s and have been divorced for nearly two years. For the past year, I have been casually dating. During this period, a friend of mine passed away suddenly. His widow is everything I would ever want in a wife. Our families have participated in many activities together -- baseball games, zoo, picnics, movies, etc. Our children get along great. I never intended to fall in love, but I have.
I know I am ready to move on with my life. But I don't know when my friend will be -- if ever. How will I know when the time is right? She is truly a diamond, and I don't want to lose her -- or our friendship. Please help me. -- IN LOVE
DEAR IN LOVE: I wish all the questions I am asked were as easy to answer. Invite her to dinner without the children and tell her how you feel.
DEAR ABBY: I was pleased that you printed the letter about the infant who nearly strangled in her parents' bed. Her mother had taken her into the bed after an exhausting night of crying, and the baby's head slipped into a space between the mattress and the headboard, where she became stuck. That was an important cautionary tale, but I want to correct the impression that this sort of thing is a "freak accident."
In a recent one-year period, the U.S. Consumer Products Safety Commission received reports of almost 100 infants and young children who suffocated on adult beds. Abby, please tell your readers that parents should never put a young child, especially an infant, in their bed to sleep. It is a sweet gesture, but it could have tragic consequences.
Thank you so much for all the good work you do, and for helping keep children safe in their homes. -- ANN BROWN, CHAIRMAN, U.S. CONSUMER PRODUCT SAFETY COMMISSION, WASHINGTON, D.C.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)