For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my son learned that a girl he had dated in high school 30 years ago was living about an hour's drive from where he lived. He hadn't seen or heard from "Susan" since he joined the Air Force in 1966. When he heard that she was in the hospital recovering from heart surgery, he went to see her. Well, that was the end of his marriage to "Jan," a kind, loving wife and mother.
He left a wonderful wife for a selfish, conniving divorced woman. I still consider Jan my daughter-in-law. Never will I accept the home-wrecker he married. He has alienated himself from his brothers and parents.
Abby, please tell people who feel nostalgic never to rekindle an old flame. The fire my son started has burned his entire family. Now, we have only ashes for memories.
Jan still is considered a member of our family. She always is included in family gatherings. He is not even invited. -- BITTER IN OHIO
DEAR BITTER: Although your relationship with your former daughter-in-law was a good one, all could not have been rosy between your son and Jan. Had his marriage been solid, he would not have been tempted by his old flame.
Please talk to your son. Perhaps he had good reason to leave Jan for Susan. If so, be more supportive of his choice and more accepting of Susan. You can remain friends with Jan and include her occasionally, but in the interest of family harmony, make time for your son and his present wife.
DEAR ABBY: I am 60 years old. Somewhere in the past, I acquired the habit of pushing my plate toward the center of the table when I finished eating.
My ladyfriend, who was born and educated in England, says this really gets on her nerves.
I never noticed it before because I have always thought it was proper -- that it signals to the server that you are finished with that course. Please advise. -- SERIOUS IN BOSTON
DEAR SERIOUS: Pushing one's plate toward the center of the table is not proper. To signal the server that you have finished eating and are ready to have your plate removed, place your knife and fork together diagonally across the upper right corner of the rim of your plate. The knife blade should face inward and the fork should be on the inside.
DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, Mrs. Mamie Geraci of Metairie, La., explained how her late husband, an embalmer, removed rings from the deceased. She said the technique also would work on the living.
When I was 14, my mother gave me an amethyst for Christmas. I have worn it for almost half a century. As the decades passed, my fingers grew fatter and the ring became more and more difficult to remove. Several years ago, it would no longer come off. It was becoming painful, but I didn't want to destroy it by cutting it off.
My wife and I tried Mrs. Geraci's solution, which worked in less than a minute. I am so happy to have the ring off, with both it and my finger still intact.
Thank you for a practical but little-known tip. -- FREDERIC ZERLA, TAMPA, FLA.
Retired Wife Reluctantly Fills Another Full Time Job at Home
DEAR ABBY: The topic of working couples sharing household duties has been addressed in your column, but I've never seen a letter about retired spouses sharing household duties.
I retired two years before my husband, "Jack," did and became a full-time housewife. Now that Jack is also retired, I'm still expected to cook, clean, shop for groceries and do the chores, while he sleeps late, reads the newspaper and watches TV.
If I leave a basket of clean laundry in the utility room, Jack will retrieve clean socks or underwear one item at a time rather than pick up the basket and carry it upstairs.
My husband has always worked hard and deserves a happy retirement, but I also worked outside the home and I, too, would like to take it a little easier. Any suggestions? -- FRUSTRATED IN MISSOURI
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Jack needs training for retirement, just as he was trained for his job. Retirement experts say that if you're both retired, the division of duties should be about equal. Take a pad and pencil, make an appointment with Jack and agree on a division of duties. If you do the cooking, he should do the cleanup. The bigger jobs should also be shared. Be fair and flexible so that your retirement years may be spent on activities that are fun for both of you.
DEAR ABBY: Some time ago I met a wonderful man. We shared many happy moments together, and I fell in love with him. I have always been there for him when he was sick or needed company, and he has done countless favors for me.
When we met, I lied to him and said I was living with my mom; actually I am living with my ex-boyfriend and his cousin. My ex-boyfriend and I are no longer romantically involved. I needed a place to live, so we became roommates.
My lover recently discovered the truth, and he is furious that I lied. He says I betrayed him. I didn't betray him. I didn't tell him because I was afraid I'd lose him.
Now he refuses to take my calls and doesn't answer my pages. He says he wants more "space." I love him more than life itself. How can I make things the way they were? I don't want to lose him. -- ON THE RUN IN SOUTH DAKOTA
DEAR ON THE RUN: You would have been wiser had you told the truth from the beginning. Write him a letter explaining that you lied because you love him and feared losing him. Give your lover the space he needs. Meanwhile, find another roommate.
DEAR READERS: Maj. Eric Junger of the Department of Defense Military Postal Service has asked me to remind my readers that it is not too early to consider mailing your Christmas cards and packages out of the country. Overseas military mail is especially vulnerable to delays during the holiday rush.
To ensure delivery before Christmas, Space Available and Priority Airlift military mail should be sent by Nov. 22. Military cards, letters and priority parcels should be sent by Dec. 2.
International cards, letters and parcel post should also be mailed by Dec. 2. Mail for Canada should go out no later than Dec. 13.
Keep watching the column for this year's Operation Dear Abby addresses. I plan to publish them in early November.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Doctor Who Talks Too Much Needs Prescription for Silence
DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, my husband and I chose our daughter's friend to be our personal physician. Now a problem has arisen.
Whenever we visit our doctor, within a few days we receive a call from our daughter inquiring about our "condition." My husband and I are very private people. If we wanted our children to know the details of our health, we would tell them.
Should either of us learn that we have a fatal illness, we would want it kept between ourselves and our doctor. When the time comes to share the information with family and friends, we prefer it to be at our discretion.
Now we are concerned about the confidentiality that should exist between patient and doctor. He is such a personable young man that we hate to hurt his feelings. What do you think? -- APPREHENSIVE IN AURORA, COLO.
DEAR APPREHENSIVE: If you value your privacy, find another doctor. And do this personable young man a favor by dropping him a note to explain why. The truth may sting, but he needs to know.
DEAR ABBY: Parents these days have an aggravating habit of telling their children what to do and then saying, "OK?" It goes like this: "Johnny, it's time to go to bed. OK?"
I don't remember getting a choice when I was a kid. When our parents told us to do something, we knew they weren't asking for our approval. By asking "OK?" they open up the subject for discussion when there should be none.
Today's parents seem more concerned with being their children's pals and not upsetting their kids than in saying what's what and then following through.
When I hear parents count to three while their kids decide whether or not they're going to do what they've been asked, I roll my eyes because usually the parents don't follow through and make their kids behave anyway. They just threaten them.
I'm sure glad I had parents who knew how to say the way it was going to be and then stuck to it. It sure made my life a lot easier. -- MARY LOU CHILDS, EUGENE, ORE.
DEAR MARY LOU: Many parents seem reluctant to enforce their own rules for fear of traumatizing their little ones. An excellent way to ensure obedience is to state your wishes in a tone that lets the child know this is not something open for discussion. Effective parents are not only loving, but also firm enough to provide limits.
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter signed "Perplexed in Garland, Texas" about the noisy next-door neighbors, I was reminded of our situation as newlyweds back in Buffalo, N.Y., almost 60 years ago.
We would be awakened early each morning by the newlyweds directly above us. Their bed shook so hard, we feared that the ceiling would one day come down on us.
We placed a note in their mailbox, suggesting they subdue their enthusiasm. They responded with a note suggesting that WE move to Forest Lawn Cemetery, where we would find everlasting peace and quiet. -- LIVING PEACEFULLY IN SAN DIEGO
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)