What teen-agers need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with their peers and parents is now in Abby's updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: Last Christmas we purchased a video game for our sons, ages 8 and 10. At first it was fun, but now I am sick of the hours wasted in front of the television set. If the boys aren't playing it, their father is, and the arguments and hurt feelings are not worth the money invested. We used to go to the parks or beaches, or just spend time barbecuing after work. Now it's, "What game should we rent tonight?" followed by an evening of no communication.
I swear, they are addicted to it! Am I wrong? Has this happened in other households also? -- MAD AT THE VIDEO GAME, LACEY, WASH.
DEAR MAD: You are not wrong. But who makes the rules at your house? You should allow your sons to play their video game only as a reward for having done their homework and chores. And there should be a limit on how much time they can spend in front of the television set. Kids can get hooked on a video game -- but wise parents can turn that addiction into a bargaining chip.
DEAR ABBY: I have a lovely daughter -- intelligent, well-educated, attractive, a kind and caring person. She has not married. Every now and then, some stupid jerk asks me, "Why hasn't your daughter married?"
I respond in a civilized manner, although I consider the question none of his or her business and think that only a clod would ask such a question. Can you think of any remark to put such people in their place? -- OGDEN, UTAH, MOTHER
DEAR MOTHER: Try this: "Why don't you ask her?"
DEAR ABBY: I am writing about the mother of the bride who was much disturbed -- and properly so -- because of the "no-shows" at her daughter's wedding. She paid $25 per person, and there were eight guests who accepted but did not call to cancel and didn't show up.
Is there any reason why the parents of the bride who paid for the reception could not have asked the caterer to pack up the $200 worth of food so they could take it home?
Also, would it be a breach of etiquette for the parents or the newlyweds to call the no-shows and ask why they didn't attend the wedding after having accepted? (Am I the only one who thinks a telephone call or a note to the no- shows would be in order?) -- A.F.S.
DEAR A.F.S.: There is no reason why the parents of the bride shouldn't have asked the caterer to pack up the no-shows' dinners to be taken home and placed in their freezer to enjoy later.
However, I would neither call nor write the no-shows, asking why they didn't cancel when they knew they couldn't attend. Explanations (and apologies) are in order, but the no-shows should initiate them.
Son at Arm's Length Won't Join His Family's Embrace
DEAR ABBY: Our 42-year-old son and his wife live in the same city with us. We never make demands on them and are self-sufficient and able to take care of our needs. We do, however, enjoy seeing them, and invite them to join us for dinner from time to time.
They never drop in, but we would be delighted if they would. My husband and I never go to them uninvited, and they rarely invite us over.
When friends or relatives visit us from out of town, we would like to include our son and his wife and ask them to share a meal. But when we do, they seem very annoyed and resentful and claim that our guests are ours, and they don't want to be bothered.
I occasionally coax them by telling them that if they would come, they are free to leave anytime and don't have to give up the whole evening. I try to be thoughtful -- they call it "manipulative."
It upsets us terribly that our adult son can't understand that family relationships mean a lot to us, and we would be proud to have our friends and relatives meet him and his wife. When he and his brothers were growing up, our home was always open to all their friends.
He is a nice and pleasant person, but he refuses to give of himself. We can't seem to make him understand that caring adults sometimes make an effort to please others -- not just themselves. What are your thoughts on this, Abby? -- CARING PARENTS
DEAR PARENTS: For whatever reason, your son is not interested in maintaining a close relationship with you or "the relatives." Too bad he has never learned the joy of doing something for the sheer pleasure it affords others. Your "nice, pleasant" son is also selfish.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Puzzled in Florida" who couldn't decide how to list her daughter's race, since she is half-white and half-Chinese.
I am a white American; my wife is a black Jamaican. When I filled out the census form, I, too, was puzzled. Our sons are neither white nor black -- certainly not Oriental -- and much more is implied by "other."
Our oldest son resolved the problem by saying, "Dad, we are 'biracial.'"
A group of similar kids and teachers in his high school formed a "biracial" social club and coined the term. It is an obvious and correct answer. Sign me as ... BILL K., STATEN ISLAND, N.Y.
DEAR READERS: The "Carole and Rick in Delaware," whose wedding invitations contained an insert suggesting that a check made out to the Chutzpah Travel Agency toward a Hawaiian honeymoon would be appreciated, are not Carole and Rick Ratel.
The recently wed Carole and Rick Ratel of Delaware also had a Hawaiian honeymoon -- but it was paid for in advance as a gift from the father of the bride.
I am indebted to Mrs. Patricia E. McDaniels of Newark, Del., the mother of the bride, for setting the record straight.
People are eating them up! For Abby's favorite recipes, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I had my eyes examined by an ophthalmologist who should have had his head examined. I am considering sending HIM a bill for services inadvertently rendered. Let me explain:
Dr. Toad (not his real name) must think that his female patients are so preoccupied with their eyes that they will not notice that the doctor's knee, arm, chest or whatever is pressing against them with more than ordinary pressure in this dark and very quiet examining room. (Actually, my knee was being sexually assaulted.)
Had I said anything, he would have feigned unawareness of any undue familiarity and accused me of having a dirty mind. So, I decided to handle this in my own way. From now on, anyone who treats me like a lady for hire will get my bill in the mail.
Any comment? -- RUBBED THE WRONG WAY
DEAR RUBBED: Yes. Anyone, male or female, who feels that a professional is behaving unprofessionally should speak out immediately on arriving at that conclusion.
And should it happen a second time, a letter of complaint should be addressed to the county medical association.
DEAR ABBY: That snob who wrote to you, fearing that her uneducated in-laws might corrupt her son's English, was abominable. There are many more important things in life than correct grammar.
My late father, the son of Jewish immigrants, had to quit school at 14 to go to work. He and my late mother went on to become very successful businesspeople who sweated blood to educate their children.
I have always felt that what my parents achieved with very little education is far more impressive than what I have achieved.
My father's grammar may not have been as good as mine, but he was by far the better man. He was also highly respected in his community.
That snob who wrote to you, fearing that her uneducated in-laws might corrupt her son's English, should get off her high horse. Self-made people like her uneducated in-laws -- and my parents -- have a lot more to offer than some people who collect diplomas and degrees.
I would give everything I own if I could hear my parents talk in their poor English for only one more hour.
You may definitely use my name. -- CHARLES S. LIPTON, M.D., BOXBORO, MASS.
DEAR ABBY: Just a note to thank you for publishing information on how to find a long-lost relative through the Salvation Army.
I did just that, and they found my brother -- not in this country, but in Scotland! He and our mother had a reunion after 39 years! Abby, it's all because of your column. How can I thank you? -- LOU FARTHING IN WASHINGTON
DEAR LOU: You just did.
By popular request, Abby shares more of her favorite prize-winning, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)