"How to Be Popular" is an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person. To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
Mom Learns Live-in Lover Was Also Molesting Her Son
DEAR ABBY: I am an intelligent 35-year-old professional woman. Trying to recover from the shocking discovery that my 7-year-old son had been sexually molested repeatedly by a former live-in lover has left me and my son scarred and bitter.
After the bizarre revelations of my 7-year-old began to surface, subsequent investigation revealed that the man was on parole from prison for repeated sexual molestations. Now my son is likely to face years of therapy and counseling. I have great guilt that, as a single parent, I was not more aware.
Perhaps your warning single parents of this peril could prevent more of this awful danger. As a single parent, what should (I) we be on the lookout for? -- HEARTSICK
DEAR HEARTSICK: You obviously did not know the man well enough to be aware of how dangerous he was. No one (man or woman) should leave a child (boy or girl) with a person one knows only superficially.
A good way to judge a person's character is by the company that person keeps. Beware of the new friend who has no friends, relatives or co-workers.
Also, how good is that person's word? If you catch him in a little lie, chances are he will lie about more important things.
Before living with someone, you should know that person very, very well.
DEAR ABBY: Just a few more words on the dangers of wearing headphones while jogging. Joggers, especially females, need to realize how many abductions involve cars. I was recently in a personal defense class. We collected newspaper articles concerning abductions and rapes. More than half of those we found involved women being pulled off the sidewalk into cars.
Headphones keep a jogger from realizing that a car has pulled up beside her until it is too late to react. Listening to music also can take the jogger's mind off her surroundings. A car that is "stalking" her may have passed her four or five times, and she wouldn't notice.
Along the same lines, I would encourage anyone, male or female, who walks or jogs alone -- especially at night -- to take a personal defense course at the local community college, YMCA, or wherever it is offered. You will learn many tips on how to minimize the risk of being abducted and/or raped, as well as some physical defense techniques. -- A DEFENSIVE WALKER, NOVATO, CALIF.
DEAR WALKER: Another tip for anyone who walks, runs or jogs on a road or street where vehicles also travel: Walk, run or jog facing the oncoming traffic on the LEFT side of the road -- never in the same direction the cars are moving.
DEAR ABBY: I worked in a large office building. Each day my husband would drop me off in the morning and pick me up after work.
One day I took my break a little later than usual and went to the restroom down the hall from the office where I worked.
As I entered the restroom, I was grabbed from behind by a man who told me if I screamed or struggled, he would strangle me. Right there in the restroom that man raped me! I didn't know who he was because he wore a ski mask. After he finished, he said if I told anyone, he would hurt my 2-year-old son. Abby, he even told me the cross streets where my son was in day care!
I was so frightened, I told no one, not even my husband. For six weeks I found excuses not to go to work. When I finally told my husband, who had known something was wrong but had no idea what it was, he was so angry, he kicked a two-foot hole in our wall!
Since then, I have made a police report, but because so much time had gone by -- and all the evidence had been destroyed -- there is little hope of catching him.
I have contacted the Rape Crisis Center, moved my son to another day-care center and have filed for workman's compensation. I am also seeing a psychologist to help me deal with the mixed-up emotions I am feeling.
I want to tell other women that if something like this ever happens to them, to report it immediately! Hiding it was the worst mistake I could have ever made. Now they may never catch the creep who did this to me. -- SCARED AND STUPID
DEAR SCARED: Thanks for giving me this opportunity to tell my readers that all rapes should be reported immediately. (For the record: A person is raped when another person forces her (or him) to have sex against that person's will.)
Many victims of rape fail to report the crime because they are ashamed or embarrassed. That's a big mistake. The rapist is then free to rape another victim.
DEAR ABBY: My husband is a very successful businessman. He is also a habitual liar. When we are out socially, and especially on vacations, he tells such outrageous lies that I am embarrassed. He has tripped himself up many times, and vows he will never lie again -- but he continues to do so.
It's bad enough that he lies to others, but he also lies to me -- usually about insignificant things. I can't understand him. We've been married nearly 25 years, and his lying has become such an issue between us that I nearly left him twice! I love him, but I don't like him because he lies so much. Perhaps if I knew why it is so hard for him to tell the truth, I could cope better. Please help me. -- A LIAR'S WIFE
DEAR WIFE: Chronic liars are insecure people who feel the need to appear better or more important than they are. Some merely exaggerate; others fabricate or "embroider" a story to make it more entertaining. Perhaps if your husband felt more comfortable just being himself, he would stick closer to the truth.
To get Abby's booklet "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
PARENT MAY PAY FOR TUITION, BUT SON PAYS WAY TO PROM
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "No Money Machine" -- the parent who is cutting corners in order to send her son to the high school prom -- prompts this letter.
Abby, going to a senior prom is a privilege -- not a God-given right. I came from from a large family, and our education (12 years of Catholic school) was paid for by our parents, but we had to earn our own money for all the "perks" such as yearbooks, class rings and proms.
I have raised my son the same way. At 16, he's already had a semi-formal under his belt. He asked if he could have his Christmas gift of money in advance so he could pay $35 for tickets, $15 for a corsage and $10 for a secondhand tux.
If he wants to continue at the Catholic school he attends, he will have to get a summer job to help with the $1,300 tuition. His class ring will be bought with money he saves from his allowance.
Abby, as you've often said, "GIVE a man a fish and he can eat for a day. TEACH him to fish and he can eat forever."
The best gift some people can give their kids is a kick in the rear to the job market. -- NO MONEY MACHINE EITHER
DEAR NO MONEY MACHINE: You could teach a class in child development. Thanks for writing.
DEAR ABBY: Please set me straight. Is it considered poor manners to write a letter instead of having a face-to-face confrontation?
Recently, I decided to quit my job as baby sitter for a woman I'll call Mrs. Smith. She is very strong-minded and not a person I would care to debate, so to avoid being pressured to stay on with other arrangements, then kick myself afterward, I chose to write.
I dropped the letter in Mrs. Smith's mailbox. As soon as she read it, she telephoned to say that we would still be friends, but she thought it was extremely "ignorant and ill-mannered" of me to have written to her instead of speaking to her. Abby, some people are easier to write to than talk to.
What do you think? Was a letter a poor vehicle for my message? -- IN THE DARK
DEAR IN: I think you used excellent judgment. Your reasons for writing to Mrs. Smith instead of risking a face-to-face confrontation were valid.
DEAR ABBY: With so many children as well as some adults unable to read, and the warning on some labels printed so small that older people can't read them, perhaps we should resume the old skull and crossbones on all poisons.
Also, now that camping season has returned, parents should avoid dressing their children in camouflage-printed clothing for picnics or camp-outs. If children wander off, they would be much harder to locate.
Bright orange or yellow is the most visible color. Campers should keep that in mind. -- DULUTH, MINN.
DEAR DULUTH: And a whistle hung on an elastic cord around the neck isn't a bad idea for campers. But make sure the elastic cord can't strangle the wearer should it get caught on some object.
People are eating them up! For Abby's favorite recipes, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)