The holidays can be the saddest time for grieving pet lovers. How to get through them
By Kim Campbell Thornton
Andrews McMeel Syndication
This time last year, I was facing the holidays with no pet in my home for the first time in, well, my whole life. In October, my dog Harper, just a month shy of 15 years, had succumbed to the cancer that had been diagnosed two years previously. She died in the fullness of her years, having led an amazing and adventurous life, but the pain was still hard to bear.
I had been preparing for her death for several months after the cancer had roared back from seeming remission. The realization that she would be gone soon was possibly more difficult than when we actually said that final goodbye.
That anticipatory grief is the sorrow we experience when we recognize that life is finite, says Susan P. Cohen, DSW, who counsels people, including pet lovers, on transitions and loss. “It’s seeing it coming and working really hard to buy as much time as you can in a way that’s good for them, too.”
Anticipatory grief can help to cushion the eventual loss. Studies have shown that when people know and accept that a loss is coming, they recover better than when it is unexpected, Cohen says.
Part of anticipatory grief is the expectation of the loss of or change in our identities. For me, I was losing not only a beloved dog, but also my nose work buddy, my traveling companion, my connection to many of my neighbors, my Laguna Beach sidekick. To lots of people, I wasn’t Kim first, I was Harper’s mom.
Cohen says that’s common.
“You walk around and you have certain places you stop because the doorman or the people in the store will give your dog a biscuit, and it’s part of your identity,” she says. “There’s real social interaction that pets give us.”
It’s never easy when we lose our pets to death, but when it occurs at or near the holidays, the grief can be overwhelming. We’re facing what is supposed to be a joyful time with hearts that are heavy. Pet-related ornaments, memories of happier holidays and social media reminders of our missing pets can all bring floods of tears.
Tears can be cathartic, but they aren’t the only way to cope. In a recent webinar, pet loss bereavement specialist Sandra Grossman, Ph.D., shared some ways to get through the holidays for people who are facing the loss of a pet or who lose a pet during a festive season.
-- Give yourself permission to grieve. Always make time for yourself to remember or mourn your pet in whatever way works for you.
-- The veterinary clinic, pet supply store or dog park can evoke painful memories. Try to plan holiday errand routes to avoid those places.
-- Incorporate the loss into the holiday. Have a special ornament made to memorialize the pet, light a special candle for them before you light the menorah each evening or take a moment at the holiday dinner table to have everyone share a special memory of the pet.
If you’re currently facing the euthanasia decision, take care of unfinished business such as having a special photo taken or letting your ex come say their own farewell if they were close to the pet, Cohen says. And sign up for a pet loss support group. Talking about your pet with others helps.
After Harper died, we left almost immediately on a long-planned trip, glad that we wouldn’t be at home surrounded by memories of her. We were going to take our time before acquiring another dog or cat. But fate had other plans.
On Dec. 3, 2022, I ran across a social media post about a 10-year-old cavalier in need of a new home. She sounded ideal for us. We brought her home Dec. 21 (uexpress.com/pets/pet-connection/2023/01/09), and she was the perfect holiday treatment for two broken hearts.
Q&A
Tick preventive
year-round?
Q: Why do I have to give my dog tick preventive in winter? Don’t ticks die off in cold weather?
A: That’s a long-standing belief, but it’s not true. Ticks are hardy and can survive low temperatures by seeking shelter beneath logs or leaf litter, which provide thermal insulation. They can also survive cold weather by infesting kennels or homes to stay cozy when it’s cold out. Ticks are primarily vulnerable to dehydration, but fortunately for them, if not for us and our pets, they are able to reduce their activity level to conserve water.
According to my colleague Michael Dryden, DVM, the minimum temperature from which various tick species can recover without mortality ranges from 3.2 degrees Fahrenheit to 17.6 degrees Fahrenheit. Short of massive drought or an extremely cold winter, tick populations do just fine in winter.
Other factors affecting tick numbers include rainfall, humidity and the availability and number of host animals such as mice, deer and dogs. There are plenty of those animals available to feed and transport ticks year-round.
The blood-sucking, disease-transmitting arachnids are most active in spring, summer and fall, there’s no doubt about that, but milder winters mean that even if ticks aren’t out 365 days a year, they are out and about 12 months of the year. Their pervasive presence -- one or more tick species are found in every state, including Alaska and Hawaii -- and the risk of tick-borne infections such as Lyme disease and Rocky Mountain spotted fever in humans and dogs, cytauxzoonosis in cats and a potentially life-threatening allergy to red meat (alpha-gal syndrome) in humans all mean that ticks are a serious public health issue. Protecting pets and ourselves from them year-round is important. -- Dr. Marty Becker
Do you have a pet question? Send it to askpetconnection@gmail.com or visit Facebook.com/DrMartyBecker.
THE BUZZ
Famed dog
photog dies
-- Once described as “half photographer, half dog,” Elliott Erwitt, creator of some of the world’s most iconic and humorous dog photos, has died. Over a span ranging from 1949 to the 2000s, Erwitt’s photos of dogs (elliotterwitt.com/dogs) showed them both on their own as well as with people, in situations ranging from sunbathing on the beach to dog shows to home life and street scenes -- but always capturing their expressiveness or their relationship with their people. His 2017 book “Elliott Erwitt’s Dogs” is a tribute to the diversity of canine appearance, activity, moods and quirks.
-- You probably know that homes need to be pet-proofed to protect new puppies and kittens from hazards such as electrical cords as well as to protect your belongings from curious young animals trying out their teeth. But did you know that you need to reptile-proof your home as well? Reptiles, especially snakes, can be escape artists, so they need secure enclosures, says Stephen J. Divers, professor of small animal medicine and surgery at the University of Georgia College of Veterinary Medicine. “Snakes can crawl into some very small spaces, and it can be easy to lose them,” he says. “Any time someone takes a reptile out of their enclosure, they should be directly supervising.”
-- Although it seems counterintuitive, their large size is one of the factors that makes horses good therapy animals, according to Janet Jones, Ph.D., writing for Psychology Today (psychologytoday.com/us/blog/horse-brain-human-brain/202311/equine-assisted-therapy-you-cant-push-a-horse-around). Their average size of 1,200 pounds means people can’t push them around. To work successfully with horses, people must use techniques that require emotional intelligence. Working with horses using understanding, calmness and emotional self-control helps people learn how to approach others in more effective, kind, nonviolent ways. “That’s one reason why equine-assisted therapy is so effective,” she writes. -- Dr. Marty Becker, Kim Campbell Thornton and Mikkel Becker
ABOUT PET CONNECTION
Pet Connection is produced by a team of pet care experts. Veterinarian Dr. Marty Becker is founder of the Fear Free organization, co-founder of VetScoop.com and author of many best-selling pet care books. Kim Campbell Thornton is an award-winning journalist and author who has been writing about animals since 1985. Mikkel Becker is a behavior consultant and lead animal trainer for Fear Free Pets. Dr. Becker can be found at Facebook.com/DrMartyBecker or on Twitter at DrMartyBecker. Kim Campbell Thornton is at Facebook.com/Kim.CampbellThornton and on Bluesky at kimthornton.bsky.social. Mikkel Becker is at Facebook.com/MikkelBecker and on Twitter at MikkelBecker.