Most parents worry about the detrimental effects that technology use in our hyperconnected world can have on our children.
New reports underscore that concern. For instance, the New Mexico attorney general alleges in a lawsuit that Facebook and Instagram steer predators to children. According to a Wall Street Journal report, state investigators created fake accounts with AI-generated profile photos of fictitious children. The accounts were deluged with sexual propositions and adult sex content.
Earlier WSJ articles quote doctors and policymakers as saying that 13 is too young for social media -- that it poses a profound risk of harm to young people.
Unfortunately, our government fails to regulate Big Tech in any meaningful way, especially regarding how minors are negatively impacted by these companies. The burden falls entirely on parents, who are trying to balance their children’s desire to connect with their peers with protecting their social, emotional and intellectual development.
Author and digital life expert Devorah Heitner published a new book in September offering guidance on these issues: "Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World." She also wrote 2016's "Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World."
I talked to her about the questions she commonly hears from parents, and what advice she offers them.
Q: What has changed since you wrote your first book about parenting and technology?
A: It seems like there’s even more surveillance now, and it’s considered a mark of good parenting to constantly be surveilling your children. Now it feels like parents are doing something wrong if they are not doing it.
Q: Is this healthy for us or our children?
A: It’s good to remember what your own adolescence was like. Did your parents geo-track you or constantly look at your grades? Did you learn to solve some of your own problems because they didn’t automatically step in and solve them?
I think constantly tracking adolescents gives parents a false sense of security, and it can increase our anxiety. We should ask ourselves: What am I preventing my kid from learning if I am surveilling them?
Q: What worries parents about kids’ tech use?
A: I think parents are stressed about the lack of control and the really explicit content kids can see. It’s scary to realize how vulnerable our kids are in this world. Parents also get very nervous that kids are sharing about their mental health online. When we were growing up, we didn’t tell anyone because it was private. That’s changed.
Q: If I delay something related to technology, such as texting, Snapchat, etc., and my kid is the only one who doesn’t have it, will the social harm and/or exclusion outweigh the benefits of waiting?
A: Only you can answer this based on your own child’s personality, needs and circumstances, but you could consider a compromise where your child has limited access on your phone. Or you allow Snapchat, for example, but they have to be on ghost mode with location turned off.
No one should be in a rush to have their kids enter these worlds. Group texts are tough enough, especially in middle school. There’s some room between a complete ban and unfettered access.
Q: How can I model thoughtful tech use as an adult?
A: Can you take a break, take a walk without your phone, refrain from texting and driving and be sure you aren’t scrolling or texting when you are talking with your kids? Being available to your family and the people in the room is great modeling.
We want to teach our kids the thought process that is behind some of our communication choices. For example, we heard our parents on the phone when we were growing up, but we’re thumbing out our lives in front of our kids. Stop and mentor them sometimes about why you are emailing rather than texting or how you solved a misunderstanding.
Q: Is there any hopeful news to share on this front?
A: People find it refreshing to hear that our kids are not wrecked by technology use. Our kids are great and awesome. In fact, social media can be a platform for activism and neutral things. It’s not all terrible.