DEAR MISS MANNERS: When someone offers a compliment, I know that it is proper to say thank you. However, sometimes the compliments are worded so oddly that I'm left puzzled on how to respond.

Yesterday a woman said to me, "You look so good it makes me want to slap you." Another time, two people approached me and said to each other, "Doesn't she look cute? You hold her down and I'll beat her."

I realize that these are clumsy attempts to be funny and complimentary. I'm certainly not offended, but how should I respond? Saying thank you certainly doesn't sound right.

GENTLE READER: It is tempting to answer an oddly worded compliment -- or its cousin, the insult thinly disguised as a compliment -- in kind. Miss Manners urges you to resist. Unless you are Oscar Wilde, your response is as likely to miss the mark as did the original. Better a tight smile and an insincere tone, with a bland "Oh, thank you" that kills its posing as a joke and discourages repetition.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When did it become acceptable for merchants to solicit charitable contributions from their customers who are purchasing something?

It seems that everywhere I shop, I am now bombarded by the cashier asking if I want to donate money to some charity. Why is this acceptable, especially when these merchants won't allow other charities to solicit on their property?

It delays the line and puts customers in an uncomfortable position. How can I gently suggest that the merchant should not be asking me for extra money and that if he wants to solicit funds, he should stand in front of his store like everyone else?

GENTLE READER: Nonstop solicitation has joined nonstop advertising as a universal modern irritant, with the added bonus that those who object are lectured about the worthiness of the cause. ("How can you be so insensitive?")

Miss Manners would have thought that both would have stopped working years ago, but apparently not. A simple, "Thank you, no," is all the response that is required. Discomfort wears off with repetition, although Miss Manners has no objection to a charmingly worded letter to the merchant making your suggestion that all donations be moved to the curb.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece was married last fall. I wanted to give her a bridal shower, but due to the fact that I was going through chemotherapy, I just wasn't up to it. She never had any type of shower or tea except for a small work shower. She has also experienced a lot of heartache in her young life.

I would really like to do something for her and her husband's first anniversary that could include gifts. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: That you follow your kind wish by giving your niece and her husband an anniversary party and as many presents as you like. But that you not solicit others to do so.

Miss Manners gathers that you think that there is a set series of gift-entitlement occasions connected with marriage, to be collected at the honoree's convenience, whether related to the wedding or not. Unfortunately, many people seem to harbor this outrageous notion.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to ask a person which gender he or she identifies with?

With the relaxation of the bias against the LGBT community, people are more open to be who they really are, and that can be confusing. One acquaintance was raised as a girl, but identifies as male. Another is miffed when confused for a male even though she purposefully looks like a teenage boy. Any way to minimize the social awkwardness?

GENTLE READER: Are you expecting Miss Manners to come up with a way of quizzing new acquaintances about their gender that would NOT be socially awkward?

Are you aware that many people are offended at being asked their occupations, or where they are from, or where they went to school?

Additionally, there is a range of gender categories, not just male and female, and a vocabulary that has been proposed to go with each, but has not been universally recognized. So guessing is, if anything, worse than asking.

Fortunately, the only pronoun you need when dealing with someone face to face is "you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever OK for a man to call another man's fiancee without the permission of either party?

GENTLE READER: Yes, if the caller is the lady's probation officer.

A fiance or husband should not be acting in that capacity. Miss Manners presumes that a lady who is about to be married is of age, and therefore should be the only one to decide whom she does or does not want to call her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to have a wedding reception with no alcohol, but I am concerned that it would be considered unforgivably rude. The situation:

(1) I (the bride) do not drink alcohol.

(2) The groom does not drink alcohol.

(3) The groom's sister is an alcoholic.

(4) The groom's brother is an alcoholic.

(5) My father is an alcoholic.

The groom is open to a dry reception, but I have been told by other people that this would be horribly rude. The wedding itself is to be a low-budget affair in our backyard.

I was prepared to be called cheap or boring, but I hadn't really thought it was a rude decision. Others (family members) have told me that they won't attend a dry reception.

Is it a rude choice? I'm so disappointed that grown adults would threaten to skip celebrating a special day with us if we don't give in to their demands about what we serve.

GENTLE READER: If your relatives feel that they need to drink to attend your wedding, the alcohol problem in your family is even worse that you thought.

Of course it is not obligatory to serve alcohol at a wedding, or any other social event. Miss Manners suggests that you tell your relatives that you are sorry to miss them. A message delivered to their favorite bar should be able to reach them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When do you stop being "divorced" and start being "single"?

GENTLE READER: At precisely the same time.

When people start treating you as single, as opposed to divorced -- which is what Miss Manners suspects you really mean -- depends on how intriguing the details of the separation were. And how much one or both of the relevant parties continue to publicize them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I feel very fortunate to have several couples with whom we occasionally get together for a meal at one of our homes. Sometimes it is just to be together; sometimes it is for a little celebration like a birthday, or to share a movie or play games.

We are fairly casual, with an occasional "special" event. The dishes are usually quickly dealt with by two or three of us, so that we can get down to visiting, celebrating, playing, etc.

One person we socialize with refuses any assistance with the dishes, and the rest of us find ourselves uncomfortably twiddling our thumbs, waiting until she is finished cleaning -- especially when we will be opening gifts, watching a movie, etc. We would rather she accept some help or that she wait until we have left.

But maybe we are mistaken. We now find ourselves unsure of when the dishes should be done. When close friends gather for a meal at one of their homes, what is the proper dish clearing-and-washing etiquette?

GENTLE READER: If the hostess wants to sneak a few dishes into the dishwasher as she is clearing them, Miss Manners would not find fault. But to leave the guests for a lengthy amount of time borders on rude and conveys to the guests that she would rather have a clean house than their company.

If your friend persists despite your offers to help, ask if it is all right if you begin the merriment without her -- and she can join when she is ready. If she is feeling left out, presumably she will realize that maybe it would be better to leave out the dishwashing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My grandmother has dementia and is slowly dying. Hospice is there with her off and on these days. I am planning a visit to see her.

I would like my husband to be with me when I visit her, but they have never met, nor does she know that he and I are married. We married after she developed dementia, and I never introduced the two, so as to not overwhelm her any.

If I were to introduce them this weekend, there is no guarantee that she will remember him in any future visits. There is also the chance that she won't even remember who I am. Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: If it is important to you and your husband, then Miss Manners would encourage the introduction. Since your grandmother may or may not remember, there is no harm done to her, and possibly even momentary enjoyment. And you will likely feel better that you made the attempt to include your new husband in the family.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)