DEAR READERS: I got so many great responses to the letter from “Anxieties on Getting Old” that I am printing two of them for you to enjoy. I love when you write to me with your questions and responses. Keep them coming!
Sense & Sensitivity for March 15, 2024
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have some additional ideas for you in answering “Anxieties on Getting Old.”
This person was worried about end-of-life planning, and you rightly told her to look to her friends and relatives, and to start investing in long-term care. But there is more to end-of-life planning than this. I belong to a nonprofit organization called Compassion and Choices, and we advocate improved health care, expanded options and the ability for everyone to plan their own end-of-life journey. This means writing advanced directives, talking to family about what kind of care you want as you age and making plans for a gentle death and dignified end.
The group’s website, compassionandchoices.org, is packed with valuable information, and I would recommend a book by the founder, Barbara Coombs Lee, “Finish Strong: Putting YOUR Priorities First at Life’s End.” -- End-of-Life Planning
DEAR END OF LIFE PLANNING: Thank you for both of these invaluable resources. As our population ages, there are many people who are facing the realities of what their lives can look like in their twilight years. This information is gold.
Sense & Sensitivity for March 15, 2024
DEAR HARRIETTE: "Anxieties on Getting Old" needs to investigate CCRCs, Continuing Care Retirement Communities. My husband and I moved into our CCRC in Virginia Beach, Virginia, at age 70. We are now 87. We each have had several surgeries and illnesses, and we received excellent care both in our five-star-rated nursing facility and in our own apartment. We have made many friends and taken part in a large number of stimulating activities and classes, all while having the peace of mind that comes from knowing that whatever the future brings, our facility, our new home, will care for us. We and our friends frequently remark, "We live in the right place."
The sale of our home paid our initial buy-in for a life interest in our community. Now that neither of us drives, there is frequent transportation to shopping and events outside the community. Our primary health care is in-house, with regularly scheduled appointments as well as a walk-in clinic every weekday morning if a medical problem arises. Our chaplains provide regular religious services and counseling, and our facility provides nursing care in our own apartment for conditions that do not require being in the nursing facility as well as caring hospice services when that is needed. We truly do live in the right place. -- Happy Octogenarian
DEAR HAPPY OCTOGENARIAN: What a wonderful story -- and proof that planning can work. My 94-year-old mother moved into a retirement community when she was 88 -- her choice. She now is in assisted living and loves her facility because of all of the activities and care that it offers. She wanted to be in an active place, which has turned out to be perfect for her. Thank you for sharing what has worked for you.
(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Reader With Diabetes Needs To Change Lifestyle
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am still living an unhealthy lifestyle that includes consuming soft drinks, despite being diagnosed with diabetes. I recognize that this habit is detrimental to my health and could worsen my condition, but I find it difficult to break free from it. I need guidance on how to shift my mindset and make healthier choices for my well-being. I understand the importance of maintaining a balanced diet and managing my condition effectively, yet I continue to engage in behaviors that undermine my health. I don’t know how to cultivate a mindset that promotes self-care and wellness. -- Unhealthy Habits, Unhealthy Living
DEAR UNHEALTHY HABITS, UNHEALTHY LIVING: Now is the time to get professional help. Engage the services of a nutritionist who can design an eating plan for you. Post it on your refrigerator, and then make the conscious choice to purchase items on the healthy list only. Write out a grocery list and check it off each day. Resist the sweet drinks and other foods that will cause you harm.
Get a therapist. This professional will help you learn to make those hard decisions to walk past the soft drinks and other unhealthy foods. You are right that you have to completely change your mindset and decide that you are worth the commitment and changes required to literally save your life. It takes time to adopt healthy strategies for living, but you can do it. It starts with you making that pivotal choice to do what is best for you.
Sense & Sensitivity for March 14, 2024
DEAR HARRIETTE: I do not care for daughter’s suitor due to hearing negative things about him. However, my daughter has expressed her love for him. I am torn between my concerns and her feelings. I value my daughter's happiness and want to support her choices, but I also want to ensure that she is in a healthy and positive relationship. How can I reconcile my reservations about the suitor with my daughter's feelings for him? -- Daughter’s Love Dilemma
DEAR DAUGHTER’S LOVE DILEMMA: Tread lightly here. When people feel they are in love, their ears are closed to criticism and their eyes are blinded to reality. Do not approach your daughter to complain about her man. Instead, ask strategic questions from time to time that will get her to think. What does he do for her that makes her happy? How does he handle conflict when it comes up? What are his plans for the future? Have the two of them talked about anything long-term? What does she want in a relationship? Does he offer those things to her?
If and when she confides in you about something that may not be going well, do not give her the “I told you so” look or comment. Instead, ask her what she plans to do about it. Invite her to practice what she plans to say so that you can offer feedback. Do not judge her when she articulates her views. You can let her know your skepticism without telling her what to do. She must make her own decisions.
(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Mom Worries That Son Is Too Dependent
DEAR HARRIETTE: My son is often referred to as a "mama's boy" because of his affectionate gestures toward me, such as kissing my cheeks before school, seeking my opinion on his clothes and requesting I support him during his basketball games. While I appreciate his closeness and love, I sometimes wonder if his attachment to me might hinder his independence and growth. I find myself torn between cherishing our bond and wanting him to develop his own identity and autonomy. How can I strike a balance between nurturing our relationship and encouraging his independence? -- Mama’s Boy
DEAR MAMA’S BOY: It is wonderful that your son adores you. You don’t need to push him away. What you can and should do is teach him that the way he cherishes you is how he should treat anyone he chooses as a partner. What you don’t want him to do is shower all of his love on you to the detriment of his relationships as he develops them. Talk to him often about how to treat other people and how to make smart choices. Give him chores to do at home, and resist doing everything for him. Otherwise, he will believe that his partner should pick up where you left off and baby him when he is an adult. Teach him independence by assigning him duties that he has to figure out on his own. Let him fail at tasks so that he can learn from his mistakes. Love him, but stop enabling him. For more musings on this topic, read: imom.com/warrior-or-wimp-how-not-to-raise-a-mamas-boy.
Sense & Sensitivity for March 13, 2024
DEAR HARRIETTE: For “Raising a Japanese Child,” the concerned grandmother whose daughter and son-in-law adopted a baby from Japan: There are programs for teaching various ethnic groups or their loved ones the language and usually culture of origin. These classes are often weekend or after-school sessions -- Hebrew school, Greek school, Chinese school, Japanese school, you name it.
If the family doesn’t live near a Japanese community, they can find a Buddhist or Shinto temple, a cultural association (a reference librarian can help find one if needed) or even a Japanese restaurant where they might find such classes for the granddaughter and adult family members.
As the child grows older, they might consider family vacations to cities with a significant Japanese population to immerse themselves in restaurants and shops and cultural events.
Grandmother, good for you for thinking about your granddaughter’s ethnicity and wanting her to know her birth parents’ culture. Don’t let her be a gaijin in a Japanese body -- please get her Japanese language lessons! As an Air Force brat, while I am not Japanese, I was born in Japan. My parents brought a lot of cultural items back to the United States. I was using chopsticks by 5, and I still use them regularly. -- Thoughts for Raising a Japanese Child
DEAR THOUGHTS FOR RAISING A JAPANESE CHILD: Thank you for sharing your insights, and I also want to thank the many other readers who added their thoughts to this important conversation. Exposing children adopted from other cultures to their history and traditions is powerful and possible.
(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)