DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have three sons, two of whom are married and one about to be. If they come to dinner (invited or drop-in) at our house, is it appropriate for the "girls" to either sit at the table or exit the room with the guys while I am expected to clean everything up?
The guys feel they are guests and should not HAVE to clean up. I feel that this is a home, not a restaurant, and they should at least make the offer since I fixed all the meal.
I was raised to help out. Who is correct? Please don't put gender into this since the sons are mine. Most guys including mine hit the other room.
GENTLE READER: Don't put gender in it?
Sorry, Miss Manners didn't mean her voice to get that high-pitched. She will pull herself together and give your question a try in your terms.
Here is the situation as you related it:
You were brought up to help out. You did not bring up your three children to help you out. Now you allow them to get away with declaring themselves guests in your house (although with privileges of dropping in for a meal, which guests don't generally have) and to hit the other room, as you put it, while their mother does all the work. Your complaint is that this privilege has been extended to their mates.
Why do you object? Perhaps it is because these people were brought up the same way you chose to bring up your children. Or perhaps it is because as additions to the family, they are following your children's lead about what is expected in your household.
Please be so kind as to explain to Miss Manners why you question their behavior when you do not question the identical behavior in your own children. Oh, and don't forget to leave gender out of it, just as you instructed.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can I, a person with a number of food allergies, politely ask ?what is in an appetizer, meal, dessert, etc., in social situations?
I ?have tried the "Oh, it looks delicious ...what's in it?" approach; ?however, this does not always work. "Trust me, you'll love it," says ?a host eagerly waiting for me to take a nibble and agree.
GENTLE READER: As an advocate of discretion on the part of guests with food restrictions, Miss Manners has to admire your subtlety. She hates to admit that there is such a thing as being too subtle, but you seem to have achieved it.
The goal is to avoid undue demands on the host as well as medical emergencies, religious and ethical transgressions and, not least, excessive talk about food. Your host could have supposed that you were acting from mere culinary curiosity, which he is not obligated to satisfy.
The succinct response to "Trust me ..." should have been a pleasant but firm "Trust me, I do need to know. I'm allergic to ...." Followed, if necessary, by an equally pleasantly delivered, "You really don't want me to spoil this lovely party by your having to call the rescue squad."
: