DEAR NATALIE: I’ve been dating this guy for about nine months and he is divorced (no kids) but with terrible trust issues. His ex-wife cheated on him more than once and he only found out because she left her phone on the nightstand one evening when she was showering. He glanced at it when it lit up and there were explicit texts from the guy she was cheating on him with. When he confronted her, she said marriage was “boring.” They divorced that year. Fast forward two years later and I’ve come into his life and really care about him. But he insists that we have each other’s passwords to our phones and social media apps. I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I am not a cheater and would never do that to him. It is the main thing we fight about. He feels as though I must be cheating or hiding something. I told him yesterday he needs to go to therapy and then he really lost it. How do I convince him that I am not the cheating kind? I could see a future with him, but not if this is the way it keeps going. Otherwise, he’s terrific and my kids adore him, too. Thoughts? – PASSWORD HIDDEN
DEAR PASSWORD HIDDEN: This is a classic “me” problem that has become a “we” problem. Meaning, his own personal issues and experiences surrounding trust and loyalty are now bleeding into your relationship. What is sad about this is that he stands to lose everything he has regained after his divorce because the wound hasn’t healed. Instead of taking proactive steps towards his own healing, he is instead putting the onus on you to “fix” the issue. This is not yours to fix. Having boundaries with anyone is important, even your significant other. The reality is, if you – or anyone – wants to cheat, having passwords won’t change a thing. I agree with you that he should invest in therapy to help him untease what is at the heart of the issue. The feelings of betrayal, grief and shame can all wind together when dealing with infidelity. He took vows with this person and she broke them. It is not an easy thing to get over. And while time does help heal, it can’t be the only factor. Explain to him that you want a future with him and that trust is a two-way street. You have to trust each other, and living in the shadow of constant suspicion will only breed resentment. If he can’t meet you halfway with this issue, it will be hard to build anything sustainable in the long run.
DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I have always been on the same page about having a family. As a gay couple, we knew that whatever trajectory we chose would be unconventional, so we’ve always done what we have wanted to do. And we have always said that kids were not for us. Well, five years into marriage, my husband is changing his tune. He’s turning 45 this year and something has just shifted in him. I’m 37 and still building my career. He’s got a great job and benefits and we bring home good money between us. He said to me the other night that he wants to explore our options as it pertains to having a child. I said that I had no interest in that. He knew who I was when he married me. Well, since then, he has just been sulking and miserable to be around. I hate the idea of having a baby for someone else, but in this case, I don’t want to lose him. How do I get us back on the same page? – BABY ISSUES
DEAR BABY ISSUES: Sometimes it is not enough to love each other, but you have to have the same vision of the future. And right now, your visions are diverting from one another. Having a baby isn’t a decision that either of you should take lightly and while he is totally within his right to change his mind, he shouldn’t (and can’t) expect you to just jump on board the baby train. He’s older than you. He’s in a different place career-wise. He may have different goals and priorities at 44 than when he was in his 30s. You shouldn’t be expected to change your trajectory just because suddenly he decides he wants to be a father. Now, the reality is, adopting a child or utilizing a surrogate is a long process. Would you be willing to just look into the process with him and see what it entails? It might be good for you both to have all the information you need in front of you in order to make an informed decision. And maybe someday baby fever will hit you, too. But maybe it won’t. The question you have to ask yourselves – and this isn’t a comfortable one – is having a baby a dealbreaker? Only when you answer that honestly with one another will you be able to plan for the future either together – or not.
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