11/21/2007DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Leon" for a few months. He is smart, cute, ambitious, caring, a great kisser and has a fantastic sense of humor. The problem? He gives new meaning to the phrase, "Got milk?"
Leon still has the remains of the first gallon of milk he ever purchased when he moved into his apartment. (He had overestimated the amount of milk he would consume, and before he knew it, had a gallon in his fridge that was three weeks past its expiration date.) Time passed, and still it remained there. Soon it was 6 months old and a novelty.
Abby, Leon has kept this container of milk through two roommates, three girlfriends, seven jobs and two refrigerators. It will soon be five years. He seems to have formed some sort of sentimental attachment to it. Can it still be classified as -- milk? Leon is entertained by the reaction he gets when people hear about it, and even has a blog about it with a picture.
If our relationship is to get serious, I see a "me or the milk" ultimatum in our future. Is it asking too much for him to leave his life of keeping expired dairy, or should I cut my losses and seek a dairy-free bachelor? Or should I just accept it as a souvenir or a pet? -- LACTOSE INTOLERANT IN OREGON
DEAR LACTOSE INTOLERANT: If Leon has kept the milk through two roommates, three girlfriends, seven jobs and two refrigerators, it may be that the specimen is the only constant in his life. Frankly, it's surprising that the odor from the spoilage didn't end his "udderly" revolting compulsion to keep it.
If you have truly reached the point of an ultimatum, tell him he has milked the joke for all it's worth. However, if he refuses to let it go, then you will either have to accept Leon and his moldy memento as a package deal -- or "mooove" on.
DEAR ABBY: My precious Mitzy went to the neighbor's house to socialize. She primped for nearly two hours, and even though she is of humble breeding, I thought she looked stunning. But when she pranced over to see Adonis, he ignored her! She swayed her hips to entice him, but finally became discouraged and returned home. I held her in my lap to soothe her and gave her a bowl of warm milk.
Later that week, Adonis' master came calling and ordered me to "Keep that tawdry Mitzy away from my fine Adonis!" I politely replied that my Mitzy would be a marvelous catch for his Adonis, and I am encouraging the relationship.
How can I protect Mitzy's heart? Did I do the right thing? -- LOVER OF LOVE
DEAR LOVER OF LOVE: No, you did not. You may be a lover of love, but if you're wise you'll spay your cat and protect her from contracting a feline social disease. That is obviously what Adonis' owner has done, or Adonis would have succumbed to Mitzy's attempt at seduction.
DEAR ABBY: I understand men and women have different views on life. My fiancee and I are being married next June. She hangs onto old photo albums and T-shirts from her exes. If she never looks at them, then why keep them? -- PUT OFF IN SOUTH PORTLAND, MAINE
DEAR PUT OFF: People -- and that includes men, by the way -- usually keep memorabilia out of sentiment. The souvenirs may remind your fiancee of happy events, or even reassure her that people in her past found her attractive. I am sure they are no threat to you or your relationship. However, if the fact that she has them bothers you, ask that they be stored someplace where you won't have to see them.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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