07/26/2005DEAR ABBY: My heart goes out to the suicidal 12-year-old from Pennsylvania. That letter was a cry for help, and I urge him or her to seek help immediately -- today, not tomorrow; now, not later. No 12-year-old deserves to feel the way that child does.
I can empathize because my 12-year-old son is struggling with major depression. Neither his father nor I realized it until one day he wrote a suicide note. Like the writer of that letter, my son thought if he told anyone he felt depressed he wouldn't be believed.
Believe me, when his suicide note was found, although he did not actually try to harm himself, it was taken very seriously. Treatment started that very day. We are not so far along on this journey that we know exactly what the future holds, but we do know our son is in a much happier place now with proper therapy and medication.
Adults in that child's life should treat even the suggestion of suicide with the seriousness it deserves and seek mental health treatment immediately. After seeing the difference therapy and medication have made in my son's life, I feel it is important to let that child know help is available. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but of strength. -- BEEN THERE AND DOING IT
DEAR BEEN THERE: I'm sure many more young people besides the one from Pennsylvania will appreciate your encouragement.
I advised the child who wrote to talk to a trusted teacher or counselor and to ask that person to intercede with his/her parents. I also suggested, if the temptation to self-injure became overwhelming, that he/she pick up the phone and ask the operator for a crisis hotline.
After the letter was published, I heard from many readers whose lives have been affected by depression or suicide. A woman who had been suicidal at 15 suggested the writer confide in a clergy person or the parents of a friend. A sixth-grade teacher, whose daughter had suffered from clinical depression for several years, told me her child had talked to a campus police officer about it because she "didn't want to worry" her mother. And a school social worker from Illinois asked me to print the number of the National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433).
DEAR Abby: Over the last two years I have lost 95 pounds. I did it by changing my lifestyle, exercising and making better food choices.
My husband, "Paul," insists that he shouldn't have to hide his cookies, potato chips and chocolate candy, and says I should have self-control. I do have self-control, Abby, but sometimes the temptation is just too great. I feel Paul is unconsciously trying to sabotage me. How can I make him understand that I don't want junk food in my line of vision, and that it isn't all about willpower? -- RESENTFUL IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR RESENTFUL: Your resentment is justified. His insistence on keeping junk food where you will find it is an attempt at control. Your husband isn't "unconsciously" trying to sabotage you; it is overt and deliberate. Your victory may be a threat to him. On some level it may have made him feel less in control of you, or he may be threatened that you are now more attractive to other men.
Because you can't control what your husband does, you must control the way you react to it. The next time you take a bite of his junk food, remember why he left it there. I'm sure it will leave a bitter taste in your mouth.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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