DEAR ABBY: I had an affair years ago, and I recently confessed to my spouse that our child isn't his. Things are really bad now between the two of us, and I don't think we are going to make it. My question is, do I tell my child the truth? -- IMPERFECT MOM IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR IMPERFECT: At some point your child will need to know his or her entire medical history. He or she may also wish to meet the biological father. If your child is young, the news can wait. But if he or she is nearing adulthood, that information could be important in case there are diseases that run in the father's family -- diabetes, heart disease, cancer and Alzheimer's among them.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for two years. He shared with me that he was sexually abused by a cousin for years as a child. He told me he has never disclosed it to anyone but me.

My boyfriend says he has come to terms with the abuse and his abuser, but I'm not sure it's true. He became really upset when he spoke about it the one time, and we haven't discussed it since.

I'm afraid to pry, but I think he may need help. His abuser is still present in his life. I'm not sure what's stopping him from seeking help. What do you think I should do? -- ONLY TRYING TO HELP IN OHIO

DEAR ONLY TRYING TO HELP: Your boyfriend may not have discussed what happened because of fear or embarrassment, or because his abuser made him feel it was his fault. When someone is abused for years, that person is the victim of a predator.

Talk to him again about this. I agree that he should consult a mental health professional. Not only would it help him, but because therapists are "mandated reporters," it would also ensure that this cousin doesn't sexually abuse other children.

DEAR ABBY: We often go out to dinner with another couple and have done so for several years. It has become increasingly embarrassing because of the demands they place on the servers.

They always want more butter (and often demand it before the rolls or bread are served), they want more sauce, more gravy, more cheese, more dressing, then more bread, butter, syrup -- basically more of everything. Then they feel compelled to let the server know what was wrong with the meal after we are finished.

How can my wife and I bow out of dinner dates with them without canceling all other social activities we do together? -- DESPERATE AT DINNER

DEAR DESPERATE: I can see how eating with a couple like that could give someone indigestion. You don't have to cut them off completely, just be less and less available for those dinners.

DEAR ABBY: I have a hard time differentiating between enabling and just helping out my sister. Throughout her adult life, even while she was married, she has never been able to make ends meet.

She's single now and in her 50s, a hardworking but underemployed, depressed individual. I have a good job and I feel guilty if I don't help her each month. (She doesn't ask, but drops enough hints that I know things aren't going well.)

I have suggested repeatedly that she needs to find a better job. I even send her job leads, but I'm not sure she actually ever applies. My friends and relatives say I should use tough love and stop helping her. But I hate to see her struggle, and I don't want her kicked out of her apartment.

I will be retiring soon and won't be able to continue giving her money. What should I do? -- SYMPATHETIC IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR SYMPATHETIC: Have a frank talk with your sister NOW. Ask her how many of the leads you gave her were followed up on. Because you say she is chronically depressed, encourage her to see a doctor and find out what kind of help there is for her. It may be the reason for her divorce and for her inability to seek other work and improve her financial situation.

That you will no longer be able to continue assisting her financially is something your sister needs to know ASAP, so she won't be cut off abruptly. This isn't tough love; that you will be on a fixed income is a fact of life. You have been a wonderful sister. You have done more than many people would, so do not feel guilty for taking care of yourself.

DEAR ABBY: It has been eight years since my first love, "Oliver," and I broke up. It was amicable and we both had closure. I have been in my current relationship for six years. We love each other very much and have two beautiful kids together.

I don't often think about Oliver and we haven't spoken since our split. But the crazy thing is, I dream about him constantly. The dreams are pretty tame and they don't make sense. I don't understand why this is happening. I know myself and I know I don't miss Oliver. I'm happy in my current relationship. So what gives, Abby? -- TROUBLED OUT WEST

DEAR TROUBLED: I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. I was taught years ago that the things we see in our dreams are manifestations of our subconscious and are not meant to be taken literally. What you are dreaming about may not actually be Oliver at all, but something he symbolizes. Perhaps it's freedom, or youth -- who knows? But if the dreams persist and they bother you, I'm sure a couple of sessions with a licensed mental health professional would ease your mind.

DEAR ABBY: I have a good friend who is a bed-wetter. It's obvious because he's constantly doing laundry and his home smells bad at times. We once shared a hotel room, and I was awakened in the middle of the night by a strong smell of urine.

He tries to hide his problem, but seems to be doing little if anything to find a solution for it. I want to persuade him to get some help, but I don't feel comfortable saying anything, and I don't want to embarrass him. What can I do? -- CONCERNED FRIEND IN MICHIGAN

DEAR CONCERNED FRIEND: What would you want your friend to do if the situation were reversed, and you were the person with the bed-wetting problem? Friends communicate with each other. Talk privately with this person. Say you think there "may" be a problem and urge him to discuss it with a urologist.

There is help for bed-wetters -- medications, as well as mechanical devices -- that in many cases can fix the problem. But only if the sufferers -- and bed-wetters do suffer -- know help is available and are willing to ask for it.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Miles" for two years. He will move in with me soon. Miles has two sons from his previous marriage. He loves them and sees them regularly.

I can't help but feel a little jealous because he makes a huge effort to be with his kids as often as possible, entertaining them and taking them to nice restaurants. The issue I have is that Miles and I never go out. We have never been on vacation or had a weekend date. Our dates consist of eating a sandwich or me cooking. Is it normal to feel a little jealous, or should I call him out on it? -- AT THE FOOT OF THE LIST

DEAR FOOT OF THE LIST: Miles appears to be a good father, but your feelings are understandable and they should be discussed with Miles BEFORE he moves in. In romantic relationships there is a certain degree of "courtship" that appears to be missing here. And believe me, unless you talk this through, nothing will change because he thinks the status quo is acceptable to you.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are good drivers and enjoy driving. But we get into arguments during road trips about who should drive. He feels he should drive because "he's the man." I feel we should take turns. We both hate being the passenger. Can you give us some good advice? -- DRIVING IT HOME IN ARIZONA

DEAR DRIVING IT HOME: Yes. Instead of spoiling your road trip by arguing while you're on the road, have an agreement before you leave about how the driving duties will be shared. Because sitting in the passenger seat can become boring after a while, some couples split their trips into equal shifts. Others agree that one spouse will drive to the destination and the other will drive on the trip home. It has less to do with "who's the man" than with fairness.