For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
FRIEND ADVISES PUNSTER TO GO SLOW WITH NEW COLLEAGUES
DEAR ABBY: My significant other helped me find a wonderful job with intelligent people. I'm an inveterate punster -- "If I put a leafy green vegetable on the barbecue, will it be chard?"
My friend says I shouldn't share my puns with my new co-workers as it may make them feel stupid and lead them to be mad at me. Is this a problem? Will my co-workers dislike me if they don't get my puns?
Where do Bambi and the other deer go in the forest for sanctuary from hunters? To Deer Abby! -- COMPULSIVE PUNSTER IN CHICO, CALIF.
DEAR COMPULSIVE: Cute. But technically it would be "Deer Abbey." I'm voting with your friend. Humor is risky, so curb the punning until they get to know you better. MUCH better.
DEAR ABBY: Where is it published that "you're welcome" should be replaced with, "No problem"? I never received that memo and, what's more, I don't think it makes sense.
I didn't intend to be "a problem" to anyone in the first place. So why am I not "welcome" now? It seems that parents and children have abandoned all forms of courtesy.
To those who still teach their children good manners, I say, "Thank you," and I hope you'll reply, "You're welcome." -- MANNERLY MOM IN CUMBERLAND, MD.
DEAR MANNERLY MOM: You have posed an interesting question. If I had to make a guess, it might be "you're welcome" carries a connotation that what you are thanking the person for might have been a burden or an imposition. "No problem" is meant to convey that it wasn't a burden.
While I agree that it can be jarring when you're expecting "you're welcome," English is an evolving language and, rather than becoming offended, perhaps you should be grateful that the person is trying to be gracious.
DEAR ABBY: When I proposed to my wife 15 years ago, I surprised her with a trip to San Francisco. We got engaged on one of the benches in Ghirardelli Square. I spent thousands on the ring and more on the flight, hotel, dinners, etc.
Ever since, my wife has returned every gift I have given her for Christmas, her birthday, our anniversary and, most recently, on Mother's Day. It's never right. It's too small, too large, too expensive, too shiny, too furry -- too anything.
Not surprisingly, my desire to buy her gifts has dwindled over the years to the point where I never feel like getting her anything.
Our 14th anniversary is coming up. I know, as usual, she expects me to do something to celebrate the occasion -- but I don't want to waste time and effort on something she won't like and will return. I think she is ungrateful, and she will probably get nothing this time around as I am too tired to deal with it. However, if I don't buy something, I will probably feel guilty because she always buys me "something," even if it's another watch -- I already have seven, which I don't wear. What should I do? -- GIFT GRINCH IN CARLSBAD
DEAR GIFT GRINCH: Rather than "surprise" your wife with nothing, have a talk with her. Explain that buying her gifts that only get returned is depressing and suggest that from now on you shop for gifts together. That way each of you can select something you will enjoy, and you can share the "thrill of the hunt" together.
Summer Heat Turns Locked Car Into Furnace for Helpless Pet
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "No Dogs in the Car" you printed last year (Aug. 6) appeared one day too late for me. I pulled into a supermarket parking lot on a hot afternoon and, as I was getting out of my car, I heard a dog barking and whining. It was a sweet little Yorkshire terrier that had been locked in a brand-new luxury vehicle with the windows barely cracked open. I couldn't tell how long he had been there, but his barking suggested he was not comfortable. I walked over to see if I could open the door.
A well-dressed woman came out of the store, saw me and shrieked, "Why are you standing next to my car?" I explained that because of the heat, her dog should not have been left in the enclosed vehicle. Her response? "Mind your own business, you dumb (rhymes-with-witch)!" she screamed and then stormed off.
I read the letter in your column from "No Dogs" the following day and made a copy. I hope I run into that "charming" woman again so I can hand her one. -- BONNIE'S MOM IN BEVERLY HILLS
DEAR BONNIE'S MOM: Your letter is timely because in parts of the country the temperature is soaring. And people frequently forget how quickly the temperature rises in an enclosed vehicle. Every summer we hear sad stories about pets perishing in parked cars.
But I digress. For your own safety, please don't hand that ill-mannered woman anything. Instead, leave it under her windshield wiper. Read on for what other readers say on this important subject:
DEAR ABBY: My animal services' phone number is programmed into my cell phone, and I used it recently when I saw a small dog locked in a hot car one afternoon. I called animal services and gave the location and description of the vehicle.
An animal control officer arrived within five minutes and stuck a thermometer in the window. Determining that the dog wasn't in immediate danger, he left a one-hour notice on the vehicle. If the owner returned within the hour, he would get a warning. If, however, the officer returned in an hour and the owner still had not appeared, the officer would break in and release the poor animal.
It's a useful number for animal lovers to keep on hand. -- READER IN RENO, NEV.
DEAR ABBY: According to the Arizona Humane Society, NEVER leave your pet in a parked car. Leaving a pet in a car on a hot day is not only against the law, it would lead to charges of animal cruelty. If you see an animal in a locked car, call your Humane Society Rescue Unit. They can respond more quickly than the police. But if the police are called, they can legally break a window. -- P.V.S. IN PHOENIX
DEAR ABBY: While attending the 1994 Gator National Drag Race in Gainesville, Fla., an announcement was made for the owners of an '89 Buick station wagon to please get their dog out of the car. Fifteen minutes later, a new announcement: "For the owners of the '89 Buick station wagon, we have good news and bad news. The good news is, your dog is fine. The bad news is, your passenger side window is now broken."
Everyone in the stands cheered! -- MITCH IN ROXBORO, N.C.
DEAR MITCH: Thanks for writing. I love a happy ending.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Guardian's Cancer Diagnosis Puts Boy's Future in Question
DEAR ABBY: My cousin's 9-year-old son, "Andy," has been living with me for the past few years. Now my husband has been diagnosed with cancer, and I must return Andy to his mother.
Abby, his mother is an alcoholic and drug addict. She has no income, and the list goes on. How do I return that boy to this type of environment? My immediate and extended families insist he go home to his mother, but I am worried about his future. What do I do? I need to concentrate and focus on my husband's health, but who will give Andy the care that he needs? -- WORRIED AUNT IN COLORADO
DEAR WORRIED AUNT: There is an alternative to returning Andy to that unhealthy environment, but it will require cooperation from your immediate and extended families. Keep the child with you, but have him stay with the relatives at the times your husband is getting his treatments. If they are unwilling, perhaps the parents of some of Andy's friends would be willing to help out. Please give it a try and let me know what happens, because the best place for Andy is with responsible people who know and love him.
DEAR ABBY: I am in my early 40s. Most of my good friends, whom I have known my whole life, have not given a second thought to our approaching "golden years." No one is saving money for retirement, participating in any sort of plan or even thinking about how they will manage later in life.
They all have fun, interesting, low-paying jobs. This mindset may have been fine 20 years ago, but we aren't kids anymore. I worry that when my friends are senior citizens they will be destitute. They laugh off my worries.
My parents are enjoying a modest but comfortable retirement which they worked for -- and planned for -- most of their lives. I want the same for myself and my friends. How can I inspire them to take action? -- TOM IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR TOM: You are a caring and wise friend who is surrounded by perpetual adolescents. Sometimes people can be their own worst enemies, and it's not always possible to save them from themselves.
Talking to people who choose to live for today while ignoring the importance of preparing for tomorrow won't work. A better approach would be to teach them by example, then cross your fingers and hope they catch on.
DEAR ABBY: Perhaps you can settle a minor disagreement between a fellow bartender and me. I say it is impolite to remove a cash tip from the bar before a patron leaves. She, however, just grabs the money and counts it -- right in front of the customer. She thinks it's OK because the customer wants to be acknowledged and thanked.
Abby, I always thank my customers, whether they tip or not, and I think counting money in front of them sends a message that we value their gratuity more than their business.
What is the polite way to handle this? -- SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED IN MARCO ISLAND, FLA.
DEAR "S.N.S.": Your co-worker's technique makes me wonder if her acknowledgment is given on a sliding scale, commensurate with the tip. (Ten percent gets a nod. Fifteen percent gets a smile. Twenty percent and she says, "Come back soon!")
I prefer your more low-key and appropriate method -- and it isn't even close.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)