What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Girl Worries About Hurting Mom Despite Past Abuse
DEAR ABBY: When I was in third grade, I moved in with my dad because my mother didn't want me anymore. She said, "You'll be going to a foster home if you don't get out of my house right now."
I didn't want to stay with her because she was abusing me. So was her fiance. At the time, I was living in Michigan, and Dad lived in Minnesota. One night, my dad got a call at work from my mom: "Come get her before I put her in a foster home!" So Dad came and picked me up at 3 in the morning. We lived in my dad's hometown in Minnesota for a while, but Dad didn't want me to go to school where we lived, so we moved to Missouri. That's where I am now.
My mother moved back to Minnesota, got married and now has two babies. My problem is she wants me to move back in with her, and so does my aunt, but I don't want to. I said I'd go to her house for the summer to take care of my little siblings. My question is, how am I supposed to say no to my mother without hurting her feelings and say no to my aunt, who I love so much? -- CONFUSED IN ST. CHARLES
DEAR CONFUSED: This is something you need to seriously discuss with your father, because I am not at all sure you should be responsible for your little half-siblings, even for the summer. I doubt that your mother has changed much, and I am concerned that you will be nothing more than a free baby sitter.
Please do not worry about hurting your former abuser's feelings. If you agree to this arrangement, the person more likely to be hurt will be you.
As for your aunt, if your love for her is reciprocated, she can visit you. Or you can visit her. But that visit should not include baby-sitting those children under the circumstances you have described to me.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have just learned that our 9-year-old nephew was molested by a teenage boy over the course of the last 18 months. My brother-in-law is requesting additional family contact, saying that the boy has lost friends and trust and needs us around more often. We live six hours away, and we certainly don't mind seeing him more often.
We have a family event coming up in a few weeks, and this will be the first time we'll see them in person since we found out. I am not quite sure how to treat the boy. Should I tell him I know about it? How do we offer comfort and support? -- CONCERNED AUNT IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR CONCERNED AUNT: There is no need to tell your nephew that you know what happened. The best way to offer comfort and support would be to treat him the way you always have -- be your normal, affectionate, good-humored selves. If the boy wants to confide in you, he will. But you should not bring the subject up or you could embarrass him.
DEAR ABBY: Is there a proper amount of time to wait to send a sympathy card when someone you know suffers a loss? Is it proper to send the card before the funeral, or is it better to wait a week or so? -- GEORGE IN SEATTLE
DEAR GEORGE: Customs vary among different cultures. Generally, sympathy cards are sent at the time one hears about the death. However, in some cultures sympathy cards with money enclosed are given to the grieving family at the funeral.
Husband Plays the Heavy in Wife's Weight Loss Plan
DEAR ABBY: I lost quite a bit of weight on a great diet that worked well for me. I did it for my health and because I was tired of carrying all that extra weight around. Everyone has been complimentary, except my husband.
He accuses me of "setting a bad example" for our kids, complains that the diet "costs too much," and says we can't share a meal at a nice restaurant together anymore. (Not true!) He also makes unwanted comments about what I'm eating, how much I'm eating and when I'm eating it.
I have invited him to go on the diet with me, because he could stand to lose about 20 pounds himself, especially around the middle. He refuses and insists that all he needs to do is exercise. Well, it hasn't worked, and now he needs to buy larger clothes while I am able to get into the clothes I wore when we first met.
I thought my husband would enjoy the new me, and now I am wondering what could be wrong. Jealousy? Fear of losing me? What's your opinion? -- PUZZLED BUT STILL GOING STRONG
DEAR PUZZLED: Congratulations on your weight loss. Losing weight is much easier if couples do it together, but you are to be especially commended because you are managing to do it in the face of serious attempts at diet sabotage.
I don't know what's eating your husband, but I do know he appears to be invested in keeping you fat. Maybe it's insecurity, or maybe he has eating issues of his own that he hasn't had to face because you were his partner in crime. Maybe he feels deserted (no pun intended).
I hope you will continue to eat and live more healthfully. This will require not allowing his problem to become yours, and "selective deafness" when he's spouting off. It also may require some professional counseling if he doesn't ease up, so be prepared.
DEAR ABBY: I want to be an actress more than anything else in the world, but my parents are against it. In fact, they are so against it that they have said repeatedly that they'll disown me if I become an actress. They think I am "too smart" to major in theater, and they don't ever want me to leave my hometown.
It's time for me to start thinking about college, and if I do what my parents want me to do, I don't think I will ever be happy. I don't want to stay in this town and be a teacher. I want to live in New York City and be an actress. -- DESPAIRING IN THE SOUTH
DEAR DESPAIRING: When parents give a child life, it is their responsibility to help that child develop his or her talents so that he or she can be successful and happy. It is possible that your parents are so emotionally invested in you that they are having trouble letting go.
If your dream is to be an actress, then that is the dream you should pursue -- if only as a minor in college so that you will have a degree in something else in case "Plan A" doesn't work out. Not only is it time to start thinking about college, it is also time to start researching scholarship programs that will help you finance it. Please don't wait to do that -- the sooner you get started, the better.
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Practice After Breakfast Puts Golfer in the Rough With Wife
DEAR ABBY: Is it harmful for someone to practice golf swings right after breakfast? I'm talking about leaving the breakfast table and heading outside to the back yard and starting practice. The way I see it, swings exert a lot of effort. Swinging a club for 15 to 20 minutes could do damage to the internal organs, right? To say the least, I don't think it helps the digestion.
The "someone" I'm writing about is my husband. He plays golf almost weekly. The only time he doesn't play is when he is away on a business trip. I'm 100 percent behind him playing golf because it's good for his health. I just don't think that practicing any sport right after a meal is appropriate.
I brought this up with him, but he keeps saying that it's the only time he can practice. My argument is: Not being able to do it at some other time doesn't mean that one should do it at the WRONG time.
Please enlighten me on this. If I'm convinced that it won't do my husband any harm, I'll shut up. -- PROTECTIVE WIFE IN SANTA CLARA, CALIF.
DEAR PROTECTIVE: You appear to mean well, but you also appear to have some control issues. If your husband says he feels no ill effects from swinging after breakfast, please leave the poor man alone. Be happy you're married to someone who cares enough about his health to exercise. Many women are not so fortunate.
DEAR ABBY: I was recently on a cross-country flight. My seat partner was an East Indian gentleman. During the flight I noticed that he still had the label sewn on the left arm of his new suit. Because he didn't seem to want to talk, I respected his privacy and didn't tell him about the label.
Now I wonder if I, a red-headed Southern lady, should have told him about his label. Abby, what should I have done? -- SOUTHERN BELLE
DEAR SOUTHERN BELLE: Because your seat partner was not inclined to talk, you should have done exactly what you did -- which was keep quiet.
The label on his jacket may not have been there because of an oversight. Some designers put their labels on the outside rather than the inside, so wearers can publicize not only the brand they are wearing but the implied price they paid for the garment. (Long gone are the days of quiet opulence.)
DEAR ABBY: How do you respond to a woman who is nearly 50 but acts like a child in public at meals? My sister-in-law, "Heather," who is divorced, will hum very loudly and sing out at the table. The family just smiles and says something about how she must really like the song.
Abby, it's embarrassing! We've been in very expensive restaurants, and Heather is rocking and saying, "La, la, la" loudly, and people ask if she's impaired. What can I do? I cringe at any public event. -- RED-FACED IN VERO BEACH, FLA.
DEAR RED-FACED: Heather may be making a bid for attention, which should strike you as more sad than embarrassing. Or she could have a mild form of Tourette's syndrome. Someone in the family -- not you -- should speak to her about it.
However, if she's unwilling or unable to "change her tune," you'll just have to accept her, eccentric as she is. It's really no reflection on you, and after all -- she's family.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)