For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Son Is Now Asking Questions About Dad Who Disappeared
DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother of a wonderful 7-year-old boy I'll call Jeremy. Jeremy's father, "Darren," has not been involved in his life since Jeremy was 15 months old. Although Darren provides financial support, he has not been there emotionally for Jeremy in 5 1/2 years. Jeremy doesn't even remember him.
My son is now at the age where he is beginning to question where his father is and why he isn't around. Darren chose to step out of his son's life with no explanation other than he didn't want to be involved with him. (I had already moved on.)
I have not remarried, and I have not introduced Jeremy to any man I have dated. What is the best way to let my son know all he needs to know about why his dad isn't around without hurting his feelings, or making him feel unloved? "I don't know where he is" just isn't working anymore. Jeremy wants to know details. Help! -- LOVING MOTHER IN TENNESSEE
DEAR LOVING MOTHER: Explain to Jeremy that his father's absence has nothing to do with him. Tell your son that some men are good at being parents, while others never learn -- and his father is one of those. As Jeremy matures, you can fill in more of the details. But it's important that your son understand that the problem was never that he was unlovable -- but rather that his father never learned how to love.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter and son-in-law were married on the beach in a beautiful setting in Mexico last March. Several of our family and friends were in attendance.
The other day, I asked my daughter why she hadn't changed her name to her new married name, as she has said she will be using her husband's name. She explained that although they were married in Mexico, their marriage certificate is valid only in Mexico, and she'll have to wait for her translated certificate in order to change her identification here.
The kids forwarded all their information two months prior to being married, had blood tests in Mexico (a requirement), and paid for a wedding. Since they have a Mexican certificate stating they are married, why does she have to wait to receive another type of document? My question: Are they married or not married here? -- BEFUDDLED IN BUCKINGHAM, PA.
DEAR BEFUDDLED: According to the Los Angeles County Registrar/Recorder's office, your daughter and son-in-law's Mexican marriage is recognized anywhere. If she wants to use her husband's name, all she has to do is notify the Department of Motor Vehicles, credit card companies, etc. of the name change.
DEAR ABBY: When we go out to dinner with another couple, what is the proper way to handle the bill? My husband and I are frequently invited to join other couples at a restaurant for dinner.
We always assume the bill will be split among the couples. If we ask another couple out, are we required to pay the tab?
Last weekend, we invited "John and Mary" to dinner and we were stuck with a $250 bill. They never mentioned the bill, nor the $50 tip we left. -- JEN IN TOWNSEND, DEL.
DEAR JEN: Couples usually discuss this before the meal or when the check arrives. Because John and Mary said nothing, you or your husband should have suggested splitting the check.
Being Gay Isn't an Illness; Don't Bother With a Cure
DEAR ABBY: I have reason to believe that a young man in my family may be gay. (He is 15.) I have been thinking a lot about it lately, and have been wondering if circumcision would cure it. What do you think? -- GRANDMOTHER IN MISSOURI
DEAR MISSOURI GRANDMOTHER: Homosexuality is not an illness, and therefore there is no need for a "cure." I predict that your family will be happier if you accept your relative exactly the way he is, love him, support him, and stop trying to think of ways to cure him.
P.S. Circumcision is a sacred rite of the Jewish religion. If your theory were valid, then there would be no Jewish homosexuals. And yet, among the successful, gay, Jewish men who are "out" are Harvey Fierstein, Michael Feinstein, Barney Frank and David Geffen -- to name a few. (Oops! And let's not forget Isaac Mizrahi.)
DEAR ABBY: My name is "Alicia" and I'm 16. About a year ago, my mom got two puppies. Although they are annoying, I have to admit they are very cute and adorable.
My problem is, ever since we've had the puppies, I have thought my mom loves them more than she loves my brother and me. For some reason, I feel replaced by them. I know she loves us very much, but it hurts to think she cares more for them than she cares for us. I think that because my brother and I are getting older, she needs something else to love. Sometimes I just want to sit and cry, but I have never been a person to spill my guts out to my parents. Can you give me any advice that would help me with this? -- REPLACED BY DOGS IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR REPLACED: Keeping your feelings locked inside is no way to resolve your problems. Your mother may be an animal lover, but I can guarantee that she loves you and your brother far more than those dogs. However, the person you need to hear it from isn't me -- it's her. So please clip this letter, give it to your mother and tell her you wrote it. You appear to need a long, hard hug and some reassurance, but your mother can't know that unless you tell her.
DEAR ABBY: My friend and I have one teacher who is beginning to scare us. He says things like, "You know I love you," and he tells us how he misses us when we're not in class. He also will come from behind and give us back rubs, put his arms around us and give us an occasional hug.
We have been trying to ignore it because, when we told my mom, she said he probably didn't mean anything and was just trying to be nice. But at a school dance, he gave my friend a kiss on her cheek and put his hands on my waist.
Maybe we're overreacting, but, Abby, we are the only two in our class he does this to. Other teachers have made us sit through videos and read brochures on "improper touching," and we are beginning to wonder. Is he stretching the line? -- CONCERNED STUDENT, PARKERSBURG, W.VA.
DEAR CONCERNED: Your teacher appears to be using very poor judgment. He has not only "stretched" the line, he has crossed it. It's time you and your friend visit the principal of your school. Explain that the man's overly affectionate behavior is making you both uncomfortable, and you are the only two students that it's happening to. If he hasn't been "counseled" about touching students, this teacher definitely needs to be.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Woman Who Sleepwalks Has Mom's Suicide on Her Mind
DEAR ABBY: I am a 37-year-old married woman with a problem. My mother committed suicide when I was 18, and I have never dealt with my loss. The day after she died, my father bagged up all of her possessions and gave them to charity. I tried talking to him about her, but he told me she was "gone" and I had to move on. I guess I have just put my pain on the back burner all these years.
For the last five years or so, I have been sleepwalking and having horrible nightmares about my mother's death. My husband tells me I carry on conversations with him, but that I am not really "there." I also take baths when I'm technically asleep. On one occasion, I woke up behind the wheel of my truck in my garage. I don't know if I went out driving or not, but the thought terrifies me.
I am afraid I will hurt myself, or possibly others, in my zombie-like state. Any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated. -- OUT OF IT IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR OUT OF IT: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the tragic loss of your mother. The first thing you must do is ensure that your husband has the keys to your truck at bedtime.
Then, contact your physician and ask for a referral to a sleep disorder specialist for an evaluation. Some people experience the symptoms you have described as a side effect from certain sleep-aid medications. However, if you are not taking anything, you may have a treatable sleep disorder.
After that, ask your doctor to refer you to a licensed psychotherapist who can help you deal with the emotions you have kept buried all these years since your mother's death. Once your feelings are out in the open, you will be able to deal with them -- and discussing them with a professional will help you more quickly through the process.
DEAR ABBY: I have a good friend, "Cathy," whose 11-year-old son, "Evan," is a friend of my son, "Noah." Evan has always been a name-caller. He constantly uses words like "stupid," "idiot" and "butthead" when talking to my son, but Noah has always laughed it off or told him to cut it out.
Today Noah told me he no longer wants to play with Evan because Evan is such a name-caller. Evan's habit apparently doesn't bother Cathy, since Evan constantly calls his baby sister the same names, and Cathy doesn't seem to notice. She is, however, worried about Evan's socializing at school because no one seems to like him.
How do I approach her about this problem, and mention that her son's name-calling is the reason Noah doesn't want to be with him anymore -- and probably part of the reason Evan is not very popular at school -- without causing discord between us? -- PUZZLED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR PUZZLED: Arrange a private chat with your friend and tell her exactly what you have told me. Love may be blind, but she must be besotted to have allowed her son to verbally abuse his little sister and the other children around him for so long. This is as much her fault as it is her son's. Evan would be a much happier boy if she had curbed his behavior when it began. (I wonder if he watches too much television or is emulating his father ...)
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)